Film School

 

Kumail rates movies based on how educational he found them.


Chronicle

Five life lessons

 

1. If you see an unnatural crater in the middle of a forest with a weird sound    emanating from it, DEFINITELY go down it. Your life is about to get awesome.

2. ...unless you are with the weird creepy loner kid whose dad hits him every day (heretofore referred to as WCLKWDHHED). Do NOT let that kid get superpowers. 

 

 
 

1. What is your dad’s favorite food? 

Acceptable answers: quiches, scones, finger sandwiches.

Unacceptable answers: alcohol, my tears, my blood on his fists.
 

2. When did your dad last hug you?

Acceptable answers: When I hit the winning homerun/threw the winning pass/dunked the winning dunk.

Unacceptable answers: Is face-punching a kind of hug?

 
 

 

3. Use your magic powers to get laid.

4. Watch out for planes while playing sky football.

5. Don’t piss off the WCLKWDHHED.

 

 

Ghost Rider 2

Two life lessons


  1. When being chased by a guy whose face is a skull that is completely on fire, pumping bullets into it for 90 minutes straight is not the way to defeat him. You might as well be pelting him with paper planes, ice cream sandwiches and unsold Blu-Rays of Ghost Rider 1.
  2. Never tell Nicholas Cage to “really go for it this time.”


The Woman in Black

Four life lessons

  1. You know that house that everyone in the village says is haunted? It probably is. Especially if it has a DIY graveyard attached to it.
  2. Do not spend a night in the obviously haunted house that has no phones and is on an island that is connected by a windy, submerged road to the village where all the kids kill themselves.
  3. Do not vacation with your son in the village where all the kids kill themselves.
  4. I will never be able to see Daniel Radcliffe as anything but Harry Potter. For instance, in this movie he is basically Harry Potter except that he makes the “Voldemort is nearby because my scar hurts” face the entire movie and his Patronus is sadness.  


The Vow

Two life lessons

 

  1. It’s hard to make Channing Tatum look like a hipster, no matter how many flannel shirts and fedoras you put him in. He looks like a cat trying to backwards-crawl out of the cat sweater you made. 
  2. Don’t watch The Vow.
 

This article was originally published March 2012

 

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas,
There's a girl in my office that I've fallen for. She works in HR, which makes things that much more awkward. If I make things uncomfortable for her, I could easily get fired. But I like her so much. How do I subtly make it known I have feelings for her?
Crushin' in my Cubicle

Dear Crushin,
This is a tough one since Valentine's Day has already passed and you can no longer tell 30 people at once that you love them. Have you tried punching her in front of all your friends?
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
My girlfriend is pressuring me to get married. But mentally I'm not ready. It has nothing to do with her, honestly. But I don't want her to feel let down with each passing day. Any suggestions?
Cold Feet in California

Dear Cold,
You should do that. My parents are married and are very happy. My Mom often screams "THANKS FOR NOTHING" to my dad. She's so happy and my dad didn't have to do anything. Marriage sounds great.  Happy!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
I've been with my girlfriend for over a year and I've yet to bring her to orgasm. Any tips?
Impotent in Iowa

Dear Important,
Bears maybe? That's probably the best orgasm there is. You should bring her that. Bears rule!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
I wrote to you a few weeks ago about pleasuring my girlfriend. You wrote something about bears. My guess is that it's because you're a child and didn't know the difference between an orgasm and an organism. No big deal. I knew what I was getting into when I sought your advice. But seriously, I'd love any tips you could give me on making my girlfriend feel good in bed. 
STILL Impotent in Iowa

Dear Still Important,
As a licensed sex therapist, I think I know the difference between orgasm and organism. Like I said, bears.  
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
Impotent again. I'm very sorry I questioned you. But when I introduced bears into the bedroom, my girlfriend scoffed. Then she was eaten by the bears. What now?
On The Run and Impotent in Iowa

Dear On The Run,
Hahaha. Yeah, bears sure are funny. One time at the zoo, I saw a bear. It was the best day of my life. Bears still rule!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
My deceased girlfriend's parents has had me arrested for the murder of their daughter. Do you know any good lawyers?
Incarcerated in Iowa

Dear Incarcerated,
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been at swim class. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
You've been in swim class for the last 7 months??? I'm rotting in here, you little shit.
Seething in Cell Block 9

Dear Incarcerated,
I'm done with 3rd grade so this project is over. Thanks for being my pen pal!
Lucas

 

This article was originally published May 2012