Blue Armoire For Sale, Not Infested With Scorpions


Blue armoire, near-perfect condition, w/ original lock - $375 (Flatbush Area)

My wife and I are moving and need to pare down our stuff. I inherited this armoire from my great-great-grandfather, who found it during a long journey through India 100 years ago.

Note: This item is NOT infested with scorpion eggs! 

Antique armoire, great price, NOT infested with scorpion eggs!!! - $350 (Flatbush Area)

The price was a little too high in my previous listing (got greedy, hah!). The new price is a steal, as this armoire is in great condition. Perfect for a bedroom or a rumpus room.

Note: I’ve received a lot of curious emails, and to clarify, this item is definitely NOT infested with nasty scorpion eggs. Scorpions are not indigenous to Brooklyn. I was just making a joke referencing the fact that the armoire is originally from India, which is home to all sorts of strange bugs (i.e., Temple of Doom).

Blue armoire ***FREE transportation*** NOT infested with ANY insect eggs - $299 (Flatbush Area)

Still need to unload this sucker before our big move. It’s in peppermint condition and has a new low price. We’re now offering to move it to your home for free. No catch!!!

Note: This item isn’t infested with scorpion eggs, nor any other kind of egg. Noting that it isn’t infested with scorpion eggs wasn’t meant to be a diversionary tactic to distract from other possible infestations (i.e., bedbugs, termites). It was a simple joke, which I'm starting to regret. Next time I make a joke, I’ll be sure to put a cautionary “LOL” next to it.

Beautiful armoire w/ special ANCIENT (!) prize for ///NO EXTRA COST\\\ - $99 (Flatbush Area)

I’ve measured, and there’s just no way we can fit this thing in our moving truck! This sucker needs to go FAST!

While carefully inspecting the armoire to prove its lack of any insect eggs, we discovered a secret compartment with a shriveled monkey paw inside. As you can tell from the photo, the paw is inscribed with what appears to be a poem written in Sanskrit.

We don’t have time to get it appraised (too busy with moving stresses!), and Google translate doesn’t have a Sanskrit option, but the paw looks HIGHLY valuable. We’ll throw it in for free, if it helps us get rid of this armoire!

Note: The monkey paw is NOT cursed. My wife already made a few “wishes” on it and we certainly aren’t millionaires. (Yet — LOL!)

^^^Blue antique armoire^^^ extremely valuable!! - $10,000 (Flatbush Area)

The price might be a little high this time, but the profits will go to my wife’s medical bills. She has contracted the plague, possibly while cleaning our basement for the move. I’m wishing like crazy on this monkey paw she’ll get better.

Note: Any inquiries re: the monkey paw possibly being cursed by an evil fakir to produce ironic wishes in order to convey some childish platitude (i.e., “Be careful what you wish for”) are deeply insensitive given the gravity of the situation here at Mount Sinai Hospital.

AMAZING Armoire with RARE ~~UNCURSED~~ mOnKeY pAw - $10, OBO (Flatbush Area)

Since my wife’s disappearance, I just need to get rid of this thing and move on with my life. The $10 price is just a suggestion, but it’d be more than helpful, as my wife left some pretty staggering medical bills, and insurance can’t be claimed if there’s no proof of death.

360 lbs. of splintered scrap wood - FREE (Flatbush Area)

Worthless scrap wood. Some pieces have blue paint on them. Perfect for a fireplace or wood stove or whatever, I really don’t care. It’s in a haphazard pile in my front yard.

Note: The blue paint is non-toxic.  



Illustrations by Justin Bilicki