New Publishing Schedule

Updating a website is a daunting task. Four writers died this week in the process. As a result, to save lives, The Occasional will now be publishing once a week. A new batch of goofs will arrive on your internets EVERY WEDNESDAY

 

 

Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time (Volume 5)

HI! I'M DR. SEX MAN! I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do.

Read More →



On The 7th Day, God Accidentally Slept Through His Alarm And Totally Freaked Out

On the 7th Day, God woke up to the afternoon sun on his face. There’s no way. He couldn’t have. Sure enough, he indeed had. For on the 6th Day, God went hard at the bar to blow off some steam after creating the entire universe. And on the 7th Day, God overslept and freaked out. 

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MY FUCKBOT ROOMMATE!

I am finding it hard to live with my roommate, Fuckbot XXXtreme. My main problem is that he never stops fucking. He fucks at all hours of the day. He fucks at all hours of the night. Every night. He fucks dozens of sexual partners per week, often many at the same time.

Read More →

Blue Armoire For Sale, Not Infested With Scorpions

I inherited this armoire from my great-great-grandfather, who found it during a long journey through India 100 years ago.

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My Personal WiFi Terms & Conditions

Dear Library Free WiFi, Thank you for sharing the Terms & Conditions of your use. Before I click “Accept,” I want to let you know that I have a few Terms & Conditions of my own.

Read More →

An Interview With Aristotle

In 335 B.C., Aristotle wrote Poetics, a landmark work of literary theory. In it, the great philosopher asserted that “spectacle” was the least-important component of a play, ranking far below the work's “morality” and “logic.” 

Read More →


Disappointed Yelp Review For Space Camp

Hello, Yelp. This is my first ever review but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t register and warn you of the sham that is Space Camp.

Read More →

QUIZ: Are You Sexually Attracted To Your Cousin

Choose the options that best describe your feelings toward your cousin.

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Jim's Discount Cloud

Google and Apple's cloud services too expensive for you? Not sure what a cloud even is? No problem! It's easy to get confused with today's modern technology. 

Read More →

Pulp Pulp

Tag Heuer glanced down at his Rolex (this irony was not lost on him; even though it wasn't mentioned earlier, Tag had conveniently earned an advanced degree in Tactical Weaponry and Irony during his time at Cambridge-On-Oxford)—a watch that probably cost at least $8,000, if not more. It was exactly 3:49 p.m. 

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Batman by Other Directors

With superhero movies being rebooted faster and faster these days, it seems like only a matter of time before every director in Hollywood gets a chance to do their own ‘Batman' movie.

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Night Night With Ron Funches Episodes 1 & 2

Who says a talk show needs to be an hour? That’s way too long. We’ve got everything you need, in less than five minutes.

Watch →


Henderson Family Reunion

Our Planning Committee has been working nonstop for the last two years to put together what is sure to be an action-packed, fun-filled weekend—for the whole family! Ha, ha! This handy guide will allow you to take full advantage.

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Product Review: Cell Phones

It seems like everyone has a cell phone nowadays. Everyone except grandmas. Grandmas never like to listen to their grandsons about what’s good for them. I once suggested that my grandmother get a crew cut and she called me an idiot.

Read More →


Morphs: Here's What These Super Hero Stars Looked Like When They Were Younger

The appearances of the actors portraying iconic superheroes are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, became synonymous with the character. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they even had donned a cape?

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The One Man Affected By Y2K

In 1999, Alan White had everything: a house, a wife, a life full of promise. But when the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2000, that all changed.

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5 Heroic Questions With Ian Edwards

Heroes Month continues into month two or three here at The Occasional. Joining us for an in-depth look at heroes is stand-up Ian Edwards.

Read More →

Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time (Volume 4)

I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do.


Today's Goofs Are Sponsored By:

 
 

 

Writer Spotlight: Simon Rich

 

The New Yorker seems to be highlighting Simon Rich a lot, so let's do that too.


 

An Annotated Breakdown Of Enrique Iglesias' "Hero"

In the spirit of Rap Genius, we bring you a thorough analysis of a classic. 

Read More →

An Analysis Of Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet In ‘Batman V. Superman’

This weekend San Diego Comic Con debuted an exclusive first look at Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet from the upcoming film. The Ocassional breaks it down.

Read More →

Potential Daydreams For A Weak Teenage Boy

Weak teenagers spend much of their days in school daydreaming. Sometimes, however, one may find himself daydreaming the same scenarios over and over, and grown a little tired of it. Well, here are some new daydreams to get you through the rest of high school, college, and, let’s face it, life

Read More →


Thank You For Calling Time Warner, Your Call Is Very Important To Us And Also We’re Busy Saving The World

“Time Warner Cable, this is Erin speaking, please hold,” I say.

“Oh, I just wanted—” 

“Please hold,” I say again, despite the woman’s exasperated tone. For the good of mankind, she’s going to have to wait.

Read More →

A Letter To Marvel Regarding My Recent Radioactive Spider Bite

Had a couple questions I was hoping you could help me with — mostly regarding Spiderman’s origin story. In both the comics and the films, I was lead to believe he was bit by a radioactive spider? Cause the thing is, um, so have I.

Read More →


The Adventures Of A Female Super Hero

When the fighting finally finished half the town lay in ruins, but she had won. Galaxis, Earthʼs greatest hero and guardian of humanity, staggered to her feet. Her blue cape was tattered, her silver polymer jumpsuit scorched with countless laser burns.

Read More →


Being Superman Has Bored Me And I’d Like The Entire Justice League To Have Sex While I Watch

Oh, sorry. One more thing: You’re all going to have to wear a Superman suit. Not to worry; I had Batman’s weird old roommate get all your sizes.

Read More →

A Gentleman’s Guide To Becoming A Supervillain

When running your lucrative business, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when running the world.

Read More →

Weapon X To Wolverine: Please Come Back To Finish Your Physical Therapy

Hello Mr. Wolverine. My name is Keith Lemay, I’m a physical therapist at the Weapon X program. Our records show that recently you violently escaped our compound after Dr. Stryker grafted adamantium to your skeleton, but that you did not complete your physical therapy.

Read More →


Happy 4th Of July! Or Don't!

Whatever, We're Not Your Dad!


Women Are The Real Heroes

Women can have babies, while all men can do is fire a few sperm into the vagina. Women house the place where a sperm penetrates an egg and creates a zygote — the beginnings of human life. Men have a penis and two balls that hold the ammo for the penis to squirt.

Read More →

I Think I Should Get More Credit for Killing Hitler

I think I should get more credit for killing Hitler. And I know you’re thinking: “Who’s Hitler? I’ve never heard of a guy named Hitler.” But the only reason you’re saying that is because I went back in time and killed him.

Read More →

Catching Up With 'Orange Is The New Black' Star Jermaine Fowler

We sent along some questions for Jermaine and he was nice enough to take a few minutes off from promoting the new season to send back some answers.

Read More →


Night Night With Ron Funches

Who says a talk show needs to be an hour? That’s way too long. We’ve got everything you need, in less than five minutes.

Watch →




Bigfoot's Line of Self-Help Books

He's big, he's hairy, and he's unlocking the keys to financial success.

See Them All →

Terry Richardson's Children's Book

Much like many celebrities these days, photographer Terry Richardson has published his own children's book. 

Read The Book →

Belle Banquets: Have Dinner With Any Person, Living Or Dead

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would you choose? Aristotle? Catherine the Great? Mahatma Ghandi?

Read More →

Our “Our Philosophy Poster” Poster

Relax. Breathe in. See those three Vitamix blenders? They are state-of-the-art in healthfulness tech.

Read More



History's Dumbest Theories About The Moon

As long as there have been idiots, there have been idiot theories about the moon: what it’s made of, what exists on its surface, and who, if anyone, might live there. Here are some of our favorite theories of the moon over the ages. Read More →






"Where's Waldo Today?" With Tony Hale

In the years since his last book, Waldo has hit hard times. Find him - as he finds himself - with his latest pictorial.




 

Follow Us on the Internet


 
 

Conversations Throughout History


 

 

Best App of the Month: Uber For Dogs

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download. [READ MORE]

 

 
 

 

 

bestieXBestie


Featuring Jenny Slate & Gabe Liedman

 
 

Here's Some Shit We Didn't Know What To Do With


 

Life Tips!

QUESTION:

Internet is out. How do I keep myself from going nuts?


ANSWER:

Have you tried using your iPhone, you big fat idiot?

Fun Things To Tell a Widow at a Funeral

  • Well if I knew you were going to get in a tizzy about it, I wouldn't have eaten that Bomb Pop during the eulogy.
  • I think you're wrong. He would have wanted me to wear shorts.
  • I forgot my wallet, can you spot me a buck to put in the casket/jukebox?
  • I've never felt so alive.
  • Have a great summer.

Really Surprise Her Tonight

When you reach for a condom, tell her about how you cry when she goes to sleep because "this isn't how you planned it and the worst part is that it's nobody's fault." Bitches love that shit. 

 

 

Fuck, Marry, Kill


An interactive game. We won't judge.