New Publishing Schedule
Updating a website is a daunting task. Four writers died this week in the process. As a result, to save lives, The Occasional will now be publishing once a week. A new batch of goofs will arrive on your internets EVERY WEDNESDAY.
Starting next Wednesday. We swear.
HI! I'M DR. SEX MAN! I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do.
On the 7th Day, God woke up to the afternoon sun on his face. There’s no way. He couldn’t have. Sure enough, he indeed had. For on the 6th Day, God went hard at the bar to blow off some steam after creating the entire universe. And on the 7th Day, God overslept and freaked out.
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I am finding it hard to live with my roommate, Fuckbot XXXtreme. My main problem is that he never stops fucking. He fucks at all hours of the day. He fucks at all hours of the night. Every night. He fucks dozens of sexual partners per week, often many at the same time.
Tag Heuer glanced down at his Rolex (this irony was not lost on him; even though it wasn't mentioned earlier, Tag had conveniently earned an advanced degree in Tactical Weaponry and Irony during his time at Cambridge-On-Oxford)—a watch that probably cost at least $8,000, if not more. It was exactly 3:49 p.m.
The third book in our ongoing series.
The appearances of the actors portraying iconic superheroes are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, became synonymous with the character. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they even had donned a cape?
Today's Goofs Are Sponsored By:
Writer Spotlight: Simon Rich
The New Yorker seems to be highlighting Simon Rich a lot, so let's do that too.
In the spirit of Rap Genius, we bring you a thorough analysis of a classic.
This weekend San Diego Comic Con debuted an exclusive first look at Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet from the upcoming film. The Ocassional breaks it down.
Weak teenagers spend much of their days in school daydreaming. Sometimes, however, one may find himself daydreaming the same scenarios over and over, and grown a little tired of it. Well, here are some new daydreams to get you through the rest of high school, college, and, let’s face it, life
Thank You For Calling Time Warner, Your Call Is Very Important To Us And Also We’re Busy Saving The World
“Time Warner Cable, this is Erin speaking, please hold,” I say.
“Oh, I just wanted—”
“Please hold,” I say again, despite the woman’s exasperated tone. For the good of mankind, she’s going to have to wait.
Had a couple questions I was hoping you could help me with — mostly regarding Spiderman’s origin story. In both the comics and the films, I was lead to believe he was bit by a radioactive spider? Cause the thing is, um, so have I.
When the fighting finally finished half the town lay in ruins, but she had won. Galaxis, Earthʼs greatest hero and guardian of humanity, staggered to her feet. Her blue cape was tattered, her silver polymer jumpsuit scorched with countless laser burns.
Oh, sorry. One more thing: You’re all going to have to wear a Superman suit. Not to worry; I had Batman’s weird old roommate get all your sizes.
Hello Mr. Wolverine. My name is Keith Lemay, I’m a physical therapist at the Weapon X program. Our records show that recently you violently escaped our compound after Dr. Stryker grafted adamantium to your skeleton, but that you did not complete your physical therapy.
Happy 4th Of July! Or Don't!
Whatever, We're Not Your Dad!
I think I should get more credit for killing Hitler. And I know you’re thinking: “Who’s Hitler? I’ve never heard of a guy named Hitler.” But the only reason you’re saying that is because I went back in time and killed him.
We sent along some questions for Jermaine and he was nice enough to take a few minutes off from promoting the new season to send back some answers.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would you choose? Aristotle? Catherine the Great? Mahatma Ghandi?
In the years since his last book, Waldo has hit hard times. Find him - as he finds himself - with his latest pictorial.
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Conversations Throughout History
Featuring Jenny Slate & Gabe Liedman
Here's Some Shit We Didn't Know What To Do With
Internet is out. How do I keep myself from going nuts?
Have you tried using your iPhone, you big fat idiot?
Fun Things To Tell a Widow at a Funeral
- Well if I knew you were going to get in a tizzy about it, I wouldn't have eaten that Bomb Pop during the eulogy.
- I think you're wrong. He would have wanted me to wear shorts.
- I forgot my wallet, can you spot me a buck to put in the casket/jukebox?
- I've never felt so alive.
- Have a great summer.
Really Surprise Her Tonight
When you reach for a condom, tell her about how you cry when she goes to sleep because "this isn't how you planned it and the worst part is that it's nobody's fault." Bitches love that shit.