First Woman: I swear, this child is mine!
Second Woman: She’s lying! It’s mine!
King Solomon: I have a solution. Take this knife and cut the baby in two. You shall each receive one half of the child.
First Woman: I respect your judgment.
Second Woman: Oh King Solomon! I cannot bear to see my child harmed! That said, you are the wisest man in Israel and so I guess I have no choice but to respect your judgment as well. (Cuts baby in half)
King Solomon: Wait…! Oh geez…oh no.
Second Woman: (sobbing) My only child is dead by my own hand!
King Solomon: Okay…um…I’m going to call a short recess.
(Women leave)
Royal Advisor: Holy moly, Solomon, that was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life.
King Solomon: I know... I don’t know what happened in there.
Royal Advisor: What the heck were you thinking?
King Solomon: I had a plan…it just…it didn’t work out the way I thought it would.
Royal Advisor: You didn’t wait to hear any testimony. You didn’t ask to see any evidence. The second they finished talking you just said, “Cut the baby in two,” like some kind of maniac.
King Solomon: I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Everyone is always saying how wise I am…I guess the pressure just got to me.
Royal Advisor: Listen, Solomon, don’t take this the wrong way, but I really think you need to take a vacation.
King Solomon: I’m not taking a vacation.
Originally published November 2013