What is your ideal best friend?
My ideal best friend would be so fiercely loyal to me that he or she would become enraged if anyone ever upset me, or slandered me, but not enraged in a psycho way. Just like, so much honor. So much honor in this person's heart, but also, MAJORLY into relaxing. "Hey Jen, it's ________ , let’s jump into the car, (and the car is a convertible) and just get super stoned and go somewhere far away and have spaghetti." My ideal best friend knows what all of my shirts are. My ideal best friend knows how my parents met, that I am racked with jewy guilt very often, and drags me to do something that I should do, like get bangs, get a purse instead of a canvas bag, take a shower, go to a party filled with people that kind of scare me but I should get over it. My ideal best friend is beautiful in a way that I never expected, very good at cooking and always ready to take a long time cooking a really good dinner, the kind that is in a magazine and then you make it and it's in your house. My ideal best friend thinks that I am the funniest, but not because of comedy that I do, mostly because my purse is full of trash and my dresser is a mess and I literally have 9,000 unread emails and I think I'm doing really well.
How would your ideal best friend describe you?
My ideal best friend would describe me like this: Jenny? Oh my god. She's fucking crazy in the best way. She literally has no idea what is going on and it's the best. She's very responsible about her work but also she's just fucking kooky and she literally does not get how to do anything. But she's a great hostess and a great dresser. She's either super early or weirdly late and both just make you LOVE HER. But, I mean, she is from an outer space planet that is in the shape of a giant heart, and everyone else seems like a faceless animal compared to her. I think her blood is hawaiian punch and her heart is a peeled plum. Maybe what's going on with her is that she is a witch and is guilty about it and won't fully own that she is powerful, but also, she might just be a hyper pothead from a haunted house in Massachusetts and she's just trying her best. But she's, like, so crazy.
What's with quiche?
A quiche is a fucking waste of your time, unless you are such an old cunt, let's just start there. It's a fake pie that isn't sweet but is grossly not even very flavorful, even if you put ham in it and cayenne.
You're a pussy if you think that a quiche is anything but a pillow to put in the bottom of a trash bag. A pillow for the other trash. When I was a waitress, the restaurant had two quiches of the day, and the lady that made them was a bitch and people that bought them by the slice looked like they had just lost all will to discover anything new in life. I wouldn't feed a quiche to anybody unless I wanted them to hate me and think I was a fucking pussy. Fuck you, quiche. You're lucky anyone is even asking about you.
Where do doctors even get off?
Doctors really have a lot of nerve. They should always be the NICEST, because we are all so scared that we are going to die so soon, or that something is going to fall off, or that my vagina is ruined this time for sure right? This time I really ruined it, right? They have to pretend that it's not even a thing to them to see tons of people naked, but obviously it is a thing because being naked is NAKED and we all know that. Why do they want to get in there and look at stuff? They should be nicer. Basically one time in college I had a yeast infection and I went to the campus health center and the doctor there accused me of having sex up the butt and I was just really offended. Not because that kind of thing is off the table (I mean, never say never, but also NO NOT NOW OR SOON), but because she was a crazy bitch about my vagina and I know how you get a yeast infection and having a dick in your BUTT is not even near the top of the list of causes. Not even NEAR the top. The top is sitting around in a wet bathing suit at nana's pool all day, the second is antibiotics. And if she doesn't know that, then she's way to dumb too be a doctor. Also, I can't believe that no doctor has ever sung a song to me when I'm scared. They're just so proud of themselves for being doctors. Well guess what? I'm proud of myself for staying alive and I've done it all by myself. But also, congrats. I could never see all of those naked nakies without laughing and getting upset. Way to keep it neutral, psychos.
This article was originally published July 2012