The Choice is Yours
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would you choose? Aristotle? Catherine the Great? Mahatma Ghandi?
How Does it Work?
As soon as your payment clears, our skilled technicians will travel back in time to capture, sedate and abduct a historical figure of your choosing.
Is Sedation Necessary?
Unfortunately, yes. Most historical figures are confused by the concept of time travel. When we appear in their homes they often flee or become physically combative. Once sedated, though, guests usually “accept their invitation” to dinner.
What should I talk to my guest about at our dinner?
Unfortunately, conversation at your dinner will probably be minimal. Most historical figures do not understand modern English. Also, it is unlikely that your guest will be in the mood to talk. Time travel, you must understand, is extremely physically traumatic. Each trip involves over six and a half minutes of free fall, 900 Gs of pressure and temperature swings ranging from 150 degrees Fahrenheit to 30 degrees below freezing. By the time guests arrive at dinner they are almost always unconscious.
Are any historical figures “off-limits?”
We regret to inform you that William Shakespeare is no longer available for Belle Banquets™ events.
In the first few years of our operation, Shakespeare was one of our most sought-after guests, appearing at dinners at a rate of 3-5 times a week. These appearances put a heavy strain on him, both mentally and physically. He began to recognize our technicians, and whenever he spotted them, he would burst into tears and run screaming through the streets of London. Many of our technicians are former Navy Seals and they seldom had difficulty capturing Shakespeare. But the amount of violence needed to subdue the famous playwright grew to unacceptable levels. After a series of tribunals, the United Nations concluded that we can no longer “invite” William Shakespeare to Belle Banquets™ events.
Can I read any testimonials?
Sure. The following reviews come from actual, satisfied customers:
Bob from San Antonio
I wanted to meet Da Vinci, because I saw that movie about his code and I wanted to know if it was real. The first thing he said was ‘oh mio dio,’ which a technician told me means, ‘Oh my God.” Then he started crying and whispering “diablos.” I guess he thought he’d died and was in hell? Anyway, I tried to ask him about his code, but he was pretty strung out from his trip and all the sedation, so I just let it go. It was cool to see his clothes; he had a brown shirt with funny wooden buttons.
Mike from Charleston
It was pretty wild hanging out with John Lennon. The first thing he said when he came through the portal was, ‘I need my stomach pumped.’ I think he thought he was having a drug experience.
He was really fidgety, so a technician decided to put him in a restraint chair. When Lennon saw the straps, he freaked out. The scientists kept warning him to ‘be good,’ but Lennon wouldn’t stop flailing, so one of the technicians had to slap him. When the restraints were finally on, Lennon’s body went limp and he started to cry.
I was a little nervous to talk to him, because he’s such a big celebrity, but eventually I worked up the nerve. It was during dessert, after Lennon had been quiet for about an hour. Two technicians propped Lennon’s head up and I said to him, ‘Mr. Lennon, I just want to tell you that I love your music and I cried for hours the day you got assassinated.’ As soon as I said it, I realized I’d made a bad mistake. Mr. Lennon’s eyes got wild and he started saying, ‘Who’s gonna kill me? When’s it going to happen? You’ve gotta tell me! This is my life! MY LIFE!’ He got so angry that he managed to rip off one of his restraints, which is incredible, because they’re made of metal. With his free hand he reached for a butter knife and the technicians had no choice but to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart. It hit him right in the center of his chest. He looked down at the dart for a few seconds in total shock. Then he looked up at me and started to weep, with a look on his face, like, ‘how could you have done this to me? What have I done to deserve this?’ I could smell that he had defecated. All in all, I give the evening a B plus.
This article was originally published December 2012