Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time


Hi! I'm Dr. Sex Man

I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do. If you have a, you know, a sex question, feel free to email me at I'm here to help!


Dear Dr. Sex Man, 

My girlfriend wants me to rub her chest but doesn't want me to touch her nipples. Is this weird? 

- Nipless in Nebraska


Wow, okay, I guess we’re jumping right in to nipples. Well, first off, that’s awesome that you have a girlfriend. That probably means you can kiss her all the time and she won’t get mad, unless she's in a meeting or something. Also I imagine you guys get to do a lot of activities together that aren’t even sexual. Just, like, spend time together. That’s great.

Full disclosure: the last time a woman told me she wanted me to touch her chest I kind of freaked out and said, “Okay, let me wash my hands first because I was eating a lot of peanut butter earlier, and I don’t want to get any on your tix.” 

I blew it in a lot of ways there. First, don’t go wash your hands unless you know they are covered in a bad disease. Second, don’t even bring up peanut butter if you know what’s good for you, and third, don’t call tits ‘tix.’ They won’t like it. Also don’t call them ‘Brauts.' I know that kind of sounds like breasts but it’s really more like a sausage, which is another word for, you know, your um, your penis. 

So there you are, rubbing her chest, with desire and permission and everything, which is great, but she doesn’t want you to touch her nipples. I don’t know, that’s pretty standard for me, especially since my hands are often covered in peanut butter or worm guts (I fish).

If your hands are free of nut butters and she’s still not into it, have you asked her why yet? Maybe if it hurts her or something (I know my nipples hurt a lot, but that’s from my work pals giving me twisters whenever I jam the puzzle cutter) you could try coming at the nipples from a different angle. Try pushing them in like an elevator button, even say something dirty like “69th floor, please.” Oh! Maybe try throwing some thick leather gloves on and then touching the nipples. That’s all I got. I hope you don’t blow this. 



Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I’m a woman who is uncertain how to move when I am on top. Do you have technique advice? 

- Straddling in St. Louis


Oh my God. First off, it’s awesome that you would even email me. I can’t believe this. This is great. Okay, let’s jump in, sorry. So, when you are on top, you say? So that means you’re already having sex. That’s juicy stuff. 

So there you are, having sex, on top of a guy, and you’re probably naked, and that’s, you know, that’s great. But now you’re wondering how to move around up there. Well, this one time I had sex once, and I was on top. I would get tired and fall across the body of the woman I was plowing love into. I got a cramp and, trying to get off, dug my elbows into her rib cage, which made her scream in pain. I thought that was an orgasm, so then I orgasmed, and then it was over. I blew it big time there. Just don’t do that.

I think as long as you’re not flailing your arms all over the place and sticking your fingers in his nose, you should be okay. Another thing to avoid is holding your stomach and saying, “Too much soup.” I learned that the hard way. 



Dear Dr. Sex Man,

How can I tell that my girlfriend really had an orgasm during sex? 

- Anxious in Arkansas


MAN, I wish you didn't ask this, because I really blew this one recently. I had, you know, sex, I think, and I finished fast and got worried she didn't, um, orgasm, so I accidentally yelled "ORGASM, YOU DID?" right in her ear, in a shrill Yoda voice. Then I started sneezing, and I couldn't stop. I sneezed all over her until she left. Then I cried a lot. 

So I think just live life hoping she did, because there's too much room to blow it.