I'm here today to talk about an amazing product: The screwdriver. Some of you might be surprised that I’ve never heard of a screwdriver before, but that’s because some of you didn’t know I was legally deaf for five years. Sure, it was by choice, but that’s because everything before 9/11 was so boring. It’s actually pretty easy to pretend you’re deaf. All you have to do is scream, spit a little, and angrily point at your ears. You’d be surprised how many people don’t even try to talk to you then.
So, apparently, the screwdriver is a tool commonly used for construction. And if you can get past the wacky name, it can actually be a very useful product. You can use it for a variety of household tasks (i.e., putting up shelves, taking down shelves, stealing shelves from Rite Aid). In many ways, it makes life much easier. I guess the most difficult part about using a screwdriver is not thinking about its sexual connotations. Not only because “screw” means sex, but also because screwdrivers can fall into people’s butts pretty easily. I’ve even heard that it can happen in the bathtub last Tuesday night while my roommate was sleeping. But that’s just a rumor.
The one criticism I have of the screwdriver is that it’s hard to be around it and not be horny. Come to think of it, it’s hard to be around anything and not be horny. That might be a me problem. Here is a list of three things and why they are sexy:
- Rugs. Rugs are sexy because they’re basically hair. And hair is sexy because Sean Connery has hair. Anything Sean Connery has, or had, is sexy. That could be a list on its own. I’m not going do it here, but that’s why they open up the floor at PTA meetings.
- Holes. Holes are sexy because a hole is fifty-percent of what you need for sex. The other fifty-percent is your willingness to stick your stuff into holes. If you do the math, that’s about 500 things to have sex with per city block. So go ahead and add “cities” to the list of things that are sexy.
- Mammals. I’ve thought mammals were sexy ever since I heard ZZ Top’s Legs. That song’s about mammals, right? I don’t give a shit if it’s not. I’m just going to think it is.
Overall, I think the screwdriver is a great product. If you’re thinking of buying one, it’s definitely worth the money. Unless you’re thinking about buying an Xbox. In that case, all other purchases should go on the back burner. Xbox is great because if you play it too much you can die. I heard that happened to a Chinese kid. I felt bad for him until I remembered he died from playing video games. That’s a fun way to go. Better than being squished by a wrecking ball. I heard that also happened to a Chinese kid. Chinese kids are always dying weird.
Four out of Five Hostess Cupcakes
(I rate everything in products I can potentially get for free. And I figured Hostess has plenty of cupcakes to spare, especially for a guy who uses them exclusively to throw at his neighbor’s stupid motorcycle.)