Family Review: Uncles

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Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

id you know that 90% of the people in this country are uncles? I forget where I heard that statistic. I think it was from that maniac who hangs out at the library. I get most of my news from him. He’s like a really loud, dangerous newspaper. 

For those of you who don’t know, an uncle is a man who hangs out around families during holidays, birthday parties, and other events where there is free food. They are a vital part of extended families and come in three different forms: Cool Uncle, Bad Uncle, and Girl Uncle.

Cool Uncles usually have a mustache. They’re the uncles your dad loves and your mom hates. They will give you a sip of their beer when no one’s looking, and let you eat dessert way before dinner. Most cool uncles wear shirts they got for free, and always have a story about seeing a rock star eating lunch at a deli. For some reason, all cool uncles want in life is to see rock stars eating sandwiches. But always round down the rock star they said they saw. If they told you they saw Mick Jagger, they actually saw Rod Stewart. If they said they saw Tom Petty, they really saw John Cougar Mellencamp. And if they told you they saw Bryan Adams, they didn’t see anyone. No one brags about Bryan Adams unless it’s a panicked lie. 

Cool uncles are fun because they love to joke around. No object is shtick proof. Give a cool uncle an ice cream cone and he’ll show you five different ways to put it on your head. Everything’s a joke with them. Everything except Vietnam. Vietnam is a cool uncle’s Vietnam. 

Popular names for cool uncles are Joe, Hank, and Buck. 

Bad Uncles usually have a mustache. They’re the uncles that you see a lot in pictures when you’re a baby, then not again until you’re in high school. A sign that someone’s a bad uncle is that when they walk into a room everyone gets quiet. Another sign is that they give inappropriately expensive gifts to your sister. That’s a sign of a very, very bad uncle. 

Bad uncles will get in a minimum of one fistfight with your dad during Thanksgiving. It’ll usually start with a just-for-fun front lawn football game and turn into a way-too-serious running race/wrestling match on the street. In-laws will try to intervene, only to be told to “stay out of this”, and it’ll all end with Grandpa somehow falling in the driveway, and a silent dessert-in-the-car drive home.    

Bad uncles are also always “in-between” things. They’ll say stuff like “Hey, do me a favor...”, “Can I borrow your cell phone?”, and “I pay taxes. I’m shitting on this beach.”   

Popular names for bad uncles are Deadbeat, Asshole, and Loser.

Girl Uncles are just like other uncles except they’re girls. Popular names for girl uncles are Aunt Karen, Aunt Dawn, and Aunt Judy. 

In conclusion, cool uncles rule! Bad uncles suck. And girl uncles are weird, but sometimes hot in the way ladies in medication commercials are hot. The best part about uncles is that they’re basically practice dads. If you’re ever worried your dad is gonna get mad at you for something, just practice it on your uncle. That’s why I punch my uncle a lot. Sometimes I get mad at my dad and feel like punching him, but I don’t because he’s strong from being in the Army. So, whenever my uncle comes over, I punch him. It’s great! He can’t get mad at me ‘cause I’m not his kid. This one time when I was in high school, I wanted to throw a huge keg party at my house, but was worried my dad would get angry. So I broke into my uncle’s house and threw it there instead. He was furious, but who cares, he’s not my dad! I guess a lot of kids porked in his bed. Actually, I know a lot of kids porked in his bed. It’s where I told everyone they could pork.

Overall Rating

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Five out of five Cindy Crawford posters

Uncles LOVE Cindy Crawford.

This article was originally published November 2013

Fitness Review: Exercise

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Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

ho’s got time to be healthy and in shape? I’ll tell you who: boring people. I once read that exercise was invented by a nerd who was actually just running from a bully. There’s a chance I didn’t read that, but was told it by a guy who was bullying me while I was jogging. I kind of get bullied a lot. It’s not because I’m a nerd, it’s usually because of the different T-shirts I wear. I think they’re funny, but most people don’t seem to get them. My funniest shirts are probably “Mexicans Are Bad,” “Indians Should Be Punched,” and “Black People Are Inferior.” I guess I’m just ahead of my time when it comes to comedy. 

One reason I don’t like exercise is that it always reminds me of my Phys Ed teacher, Mr. Steigerwald. What a bozo that guy was. Every time we played dodgeball in class he’d yell stupid things at me like “Take your hands out of your pockets, you’re gonna get hit in the face!” or “Where’d you get that snake?!” I remember telling him that when 
I got older I was gonna come back to school and kick his ass. 
And I fulfilled that promise right after I said it and he turned around. Technically, I was older (by one second) and technically, I kicked his ass (‘cause my foot hit his ass). So, I kicked his ass. Then he tried to get me suspended, but I told him if he did I’d tell everyone that he molested me. You can get away with a lot of cool stuff as a kid if you lie about being molested.

Another reason I hate exercise is that there are too many strong people. The government should make a law that only allows one or two strong people per city. That’s more fair to all the weak, lazy people. What good is government if they can’t protect the people who don’t wanna work hard? Besides, no one needs to be strong any more. In the past, people had to be strong to pick up things. Nowadays, we rarely have to pick up anything because of robots and computers. Sure, a lot of them aren’t invented yet, but who cares? I’m still not picking up all the garbage in my apartment.

Here are three alternatives to exercise:

1. Nightmares. Really bad nightmares pretty much count as working out, especially if they involve a lot of sweating and screaming. If you have trouble having nightmares, try eating a full bowl of spaghetti right before you go to bed, or try being mean to a lot of dangerous people during the day.
2. Eating. I’ve run three miles before, and I’ve eaten seven cheeseburgers before. If all exercise is is feeling tired when you’re done doing something, then eating seven cheeseburgers is as good as any exercise
3. Just talk about working out. Most people work out so they can tell people they’ve worked out. No one ever calls their bluff. So if you want to feel like you’ve exercised, just tell people you did. A good way to fake having just worked out is to walk around drinking a smoothie. Drinking a smoothie is pretty much the international symbol for “I spent twenty minutes on an elliptical.”

In conclusion, exercise stinks.  If you feel the urge to work out, don’t. Just find a cologne ad with a muscular guy in it and put a photo of your head on his. Then maybe take a picture of that and send it to your ex-girlfriend. Now who stinks, Amy? Not me. I’m in a cologne ad, which is the opposite of stinking.

Overall Rating

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FOUR OUT OF FOUR FACEBOOK BIKINI PROFILE PICS

Don’t waste your time working out while these photos of your co-workers are free on the Internet.

This article was originally published August 2013

Job Review: Doctors

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Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

ou can’t tell right now, but I’m sick. It’s hard to tell whether or not a person is sick if you don’t care. But life is so much easier if you don’t care about other people. For example, my wife said she wanted to have a kid, and I said, “I don’t care what you want.” Now I don’t have a kid, or a wife, but have tons of time!

I’m not sure how I got sick. My friend said it was probably from petting and kissing all those stray dogs I saw at the park. I remember he said I should stay away from them because they looked mean and feverish. But I don’t listen to him because he’s really short. I just keep him around to make me look taller. Plus, it’s hard to tell if a dog is sick or not. It’s also hard to tell if a dog is a guy or a girl. The best way to figure that out is to ask the dog’s owner if it has a pussy. That usually helps narrow it down. Unless the owner is being a prude.  

Regardless of what happened, I’m at the doctor’s office now. Before today, I hadn’t met many doctors. I know people say they are great, but I don’t see what the big deal is. If I wanted someone to tell me what to do with my body, I’d get a third dad (I already have two: one real dad and one fake dad to make my real dad jealous). I’m just not impressed. Anyone can go to college for eight years. Try doing nothing for eight years straight. That’s an accomplishment. And I don’t need certificates on my wall to let people know I’m successful. That’s why you buy a falcon. If you can’t afford a falcon, you can just lie about having one to impress the barista near your house. She’s not coming over anyway. And if she does, just put a sign on your bedroom door that says “Warning: Falcon. Do Not Enter.” If she still calls your bluff, push her in the room and lock her up with the rest of your secrets.

I don’t think we even need doctors. Anyone can give medical advice if they want to. “Don’t shit blood.” There, I just gave medical advice. And I didn’t even need a lab coat to do it. It would have helped. They have so many pockets and buttons. A lab coat is basically Batman’s utility belt in coat form. “Don’t eat blood.” That’s some more medical advice for you. Eating blood is bad because it’s not a food.  I’m kind of on fire with this medical advice thing. “Don’t steal blood.” That’s a mix of medical advice and one of the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not blood.” That’s just a Commandment with the word “blood” instead of “kill”. Thought it sounded cool.  

Here is a list of three jobs that impress me more than being a doctor:

1. Gravedigger: A lot of teenagers sneak onto cemeteries to smoke cigarettes, and one of the cool parts about being a gravedigger is you get to chase them away with a shovel. I chase people with a shovel for free all the time, and it’d be nice to get paid for that. 
2. Guys Who Look For Bigfoot: These guys basically get to camp with their buddies and shit in the woods. I actually think it’s less about finding Bigfoot, and more about shitting in the woods. People are gross like that.
3. Thermometer: I know it’s not a job people do, but I think it would be cool to be a thermometer. You’re outside all the time, and people pay attention to you. That’s more than I can say about being a stupid person. No one pays attention to me. And I wear a top hat and scream a lot. That’s hard to ignore.

In conclusion, doctors seem to get paid a lot of money to boss us around about our bodies. For example, when I found out I had canine tuberculosis, my doctor laid into me about my personal life then said he’d have to examine me further. No thank you. I watch a lot of pornos, and I know how exams like that end up (with getting jizzed on). 

OVERALL RATING

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I GIVE DOCTORS TWO THUMBS UP...SOMEONE'S BUTT.

(Take that you gaybo doctors)

This article was originally published February 2013

Review: Getting Arrested

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Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

reetings from jail! I’ve been here for the last thirty-six hours not able to sleep (too many people screaming) and it gave me an idea for a review about a new lifestyle I discovered called “getting arrested.”   

I discovered this new lifestyle while engaged in a casual fistfight with a fellow motorist. The details are a little blurry (I was drunk) but I remember running through a few red lights. I didn’t not see them, it was just my understanding that you don’t have to stop for red lights when you’re listening to Van Halen. 

So, next thing I know, I smash into this parked car and there’s a guy yelling in my face. First off, don’t park your car where people are drinking and driving. Secondly, don’t be surprised when I punch you in the middle of an “I’m sorry.” A little tip, if you act like you’re gonna apologize to someone, they never see a punch coming. It’s pretty much the only way to fight. The other way to fight is to have a big friend who’s willing to clean up after your mess.  

When the cops finally showed up, I was happy because I’m a sucker for sirens and flashing lights. I’m really just a fan of anything loud and distracting because while people are preoccupied you can squeeze their butts. It’s not a sexual thing, it just gives me a boner.

So I tried to lie to the cops and tell them that it wasn’t me who was drunk and crashing into things, but I was drunk and crashing into things. It’s hard to lie when you’re actively doing the thing you’re supposed to be lying about. For example, this one time I was supposed to get married. I changed my mind at the last minute because my fiancé was fatter than I remembered. So I told her I was going to go to the bathroom then ran away. I’ve seen her a few times since, and I just keep telling her that I’m looking for a bathroom. I’ve gone this long with the lie, and I’d look stupid if I didn’t commit to it.  

Here are three positives I’ve found after getting arrested:

1. It makes Tuesdays more interesting. Usually the only thing that happens on Tuesdays is New Girl. Getting arrested kinda fills the time before New Girl. Also, if you work, I don’t think getting arrested counts as a sick day, which is nice.  
2. A lot of people touch you. When you get arrested you’re pretty much man-handled by everyone you come in contact with (especially if you make your body into a ball). The point is, you get a lot of attention and you can’t put a price on human contact.  
3. No pressure to floss. The aftermath of getting arrested kind of changes your priorities. Suddenly, everything becomes about your future and where your life is headed, not about how inflamed your gums are. Gums are supposed to bleed and a stupid piece of string isn’t gonna change that. As far as I’m concerned, if your mouth isn’t bleeding, you’re not living.

Here are three negatives I’ve found after getting arrested:

1. Some family members will stop talking to you. That’s a good thing unless the person who stops talking to you is one of your cool cousins. Everyone has a cool cousin who lives in Hollywood and has hung out with Stephen Dorff.  That guy’s been in movies I think.    
2. People will think you’re dangerous. That’s good if your landlord is on your back about paying your rent, or parking your car in the apartment courtyard. But bad if the guy who owns a motorcycle sees you acting tough. He seems like the type of person who will call your bluff. It’s always safe to assume that anyone who owns a motorcycle will beat you up and fuck your girlfriend.     
3. Still have to do the dishes. You know how your girlfriend always wants you to clean the dishes? Well, when you get arrested, you still have to do them when you get home. Usually while your girlfriend sits silent and angry in the kitchen. If you’re lucky, she’ll have a movie-type meltdown and throw all the dishes on the lawn. But like I said, if you’re lucky.  

Overall, I found getting arrested to be pretty exhausting. I can’t believe there are people out there who do this every day because they’re bored, or black. If there’s any way for you to do bad things and not get arrested, I’d suggest that. This way you can get away with doing bad things and not get in trouble. Bad things are always better than not bad things. For example, any kind of fraud is pretty fun. It’s always better to be someone other than yourself. Yourself has debts, and no friends, and a wiener that’s not as nice as other wieners I’ve seen on the Internet. Is there such thing as wiener fraud? That would be worth getting arrested for. I’m gonna look into that.     

OVERALL RATING

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Four out of five Johnny Depps

(I rate products in Hollywood stars as opposed to those stupid gold ones.)

This article was originally published December 2012

Lifestyle Review: Shower

Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

I’m here today to talk to you about a new lifestyle that I discovered last week while I was stealing bike pedals at the gym. It’s called showering.

You might be asking yourself “If you’ve never heard of showering, how do you clean yourself?” Good question, simple answer: tongue baths. My motto has always been, “If it’s good enough for a cat, it’s good enough for me.” So, if cats can bathe themselves, why can’t I? I’ve got less hair and a bigger tongue, so it seemed natural. And it’s worked out great for the most part. The only time it became a problem was when I was around people, or at work, or not around people, or not at work.

The thing is, I’ve always known what a shower was, I just didn’t think people used them for anything. I thought they were purely decorative. You know, like the fruit they put in living room displays at IKEA. That fruit is not real, by the way. But that doesn’t mean you can’t eat it. Just because something isn’t food, doesn’t mean you can’t eat it. Like this one time, I ate my neighbor’s kid’s tire swing. They didn’t even get mad at me. They actually bought me dinner for a week straight, then checked in with me sporadically for the next couple years. They said it was to make sure I wasn’t eating more garbage, but I think it was because they respected what I did to their swing.

Since discovering this showering thing, I decided to do a little research. And I found that there’s a whole culture of it in our country. Apparently, about 98% of our population chooses showering as their primary method of cleaning.  And here I am thinking it was only for fancy, ribbon-wearing horses. Sometimes I’m such a dope.  

After some more research, I decided to try this thing for myself. Here are three things I noticed since I started:

1. That smell is gone. You know that smell that follows you around all day every day since you hit puberty? The one that smells like fleshy onions and dirty hair? Well, it’s gone. Showering must have cleaned out my sinuses or something. So that’s pretty cool.
2. The drain is the perfect size for pee. A lot of life is finding places to take a leak. And in the shower is the perfect spot. You can clean yourself and get rid of your waste at the same time. I know what you’re thinking, and no, you can’t poo in it. For some reason babies are allowed to poo while they take a bath, but when adults do it people think you’re being an asshole. Which is okay. Unless they’re like a Duke or something, I don’t care if people think I’m an asshole.
3. You can smoke in the shower and there’s never anybody telling you it’s bad. It’s hard nowadays to go places without people criticizing you for smoking. For example, I have these parents who give me a bunch of guff about it. I just tell them that I did it when I was nine years old and I was fine then, so why would it be any different now? Plus, everyone thought it was cool when I was nine. And trends don’t change. Why ruin my rep because my parents “want me around longer”?

Overall, I think showering is a lifestyle that’s here to stay. It’s easy, it’s fast, and there’ll always be enough water.  I know this because there are literally millions of faucets. I think that’s the problem in Africa. No faucets. All they need is a good plumber. You know, my uncle’s a plumber, he could probably do it. Actually, probably not. He’s afraid of flying, so I don’t know how he’d get there. I’m sure one of his friends would do it, just as long as it doesn’t get in the way of their bowling league. Plumbers get real serious about bowling. So they can help Africa any day, except Tuesday and Thursday nights.

Overall Rating

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Four Out of Five Weird Baby Heads

(Baby heads are weird.  They’re bald and lumpy and mostly ugly.  But they must be a good thing because people seem to love babies.  I don’t get it, but I’ll follow trends off a cliff and babies are hot right now.)

This article was originally published October 2012

Product Review: Screwdriver

I'm here today to talk about an amazing product: The screwdriver.  Some of you might be surprised that I’ve never heard of a screwdriver before, but that’s because some of you didn’t know I was legally deaf for five years. Sure, it was by choice, but that’s because everything before 9/11 was so boring. It’s actually pretty easy to pretend you’re deaf. All you have to do is scream, spit a little, and angrily point at your ears. You’d be surprised how many people don’t even try to talk to you then.

So, apparently, the screwdriver is a tool commonly used for construction. And if you can get past the wacky name, it can actually be a very useful product. You can use it for a variety of household tasks (i.e., putting up shelves, taking down shelves, stealing shelves from Rite Aid). In many ways, it makes life much easier. I guess the most difficult part about using a screwdriver is not thinking about its sexual connotations. Not only because “screw” means sex, but also because screwdrivers can fall into people’s butts pretty easily. I’ve even heard that it can happen in the bathtub last Tuesday night while my roommate was sleeping. But that’s just a rumor.  

The one criticism I have of the screwdriver is that it’s hard to be around it and not be horny. Come to think of it, it’s hard to be around anything and not be horny. That might be a me problem. Here is a list of three things and why they are sexy:

1. Rugs. Rugs are sexy because they’re basically hair. And hair is sexy because Sean Connery has hair. Anything Sean Connery has, or had, is sexy.  That could be a list on its own. I’m not going do it here, but that’s why they open up the floor at PTA meetings.
2. Holes. Holes are sexy because a hole is fifty-percent of what you need for sex. The other fifty-percent is your willingness to stick your stuff into holes. If you do the math, that’s about 500 things to have sex with per city block. So go ahead and add “cities” to the list of things that are sexy.
3. Mammals. I’ve thought mammals were sexy ever since I heard ZZ Top’s Legs. That song’s about mammals, right? I don’t give a shit if it’s not. I’m just going to think it is.

Overall, I think the screwdriver is a great product.  If you’re thinking of buying one, it’s definitely worth the money.  Unless you’re thinking about buying an Xbox.  In that case, all other purchases should go on the back burner.  Xbox is great because if you play it too much you can die.  I heard that happened to a Chinese kid.  I felt bad for him until I remembered he died from playing video games.  That’s a fun way to go.  Better than being squished by a wrecking ball.  I heard that also happened to a Chinese kid.  Chinese kids are always dying weird.  

Overall Rating

Four out of Five Hostess Cupcakes  

(I rate everything in products I can potentially get for free.  And I figured Hostess has plenty of cupcakes to spare, especially for a guy who uses them exclusively to throw at his neighbor’s stupid motorcycle.)