KUMAIL NANJIANI RATES MOVIES BASED ON HOW EDUCATIONAL HE FOUND THEM.
2 Life Lessons
- If you call 911 because your magically sentient teddy bear has been kidnapped, do not say “My magically sentient teddy bear is kidnapped!” Instead, say that your friend has been kidnapped. It’s true, and will yield a more considered response.
- If a magically sentient bear is born and everyone knows about it, the government will let the boy keep the bear. Instead of, you know, sticking it in a lab for testing. This whole movie should be set in a research facility. The bear would not be renting hookers or cracking wise or singing Hootie at a karaoke party. It would be strapped down in a gurney with syringes sticking out of it, surrounded by men in lab coats saying things like “But it has no lungs! How does it convey oxygen into the blood stream?” or “Some guy who looks like Marky Mark shows up every day to ask for his Christmas present back” or “If it has no hormones, why does it keep telling Dr. Cheng that he wants to see her big wontons? Also, this bear is casually racist.”
6 Life Lessons
- Just because a movie has closing credits does not mean it has an ending.
- Trained geologists will freak out at the first evidence of a far away ancient civilization, but will be totally fine petting an obviously evil reptile vampire monster just 20 minutes later. Totally fine.
- Make sure your captain is Idris Elba.
- Idris Elba is the shit. He’s just awesome.
- This movie is a prequel to Alien, so apparently later the space ships get shittier. The biggest technological upgrade that the Nostromo (ship from Alien) gets over the Prometheus (ship from Star Wars--joking it's the ship from Prometheus) is the addition of a room with wet, rusty chains hanging from the ceiling. And I don’t know what kind of technological upgrade that is.
- About a year ago, Patrick Wilson’s agent called him and said “Can you do a British accent, and are you free this afternoon?”
12 Life Lessons
- Full disclosure: I didn’t see Magic Mike, but my wife has seen it 3,222,556 times. High five. Good joke.
- I should stay away from carbs, I guess?
- How many sit-ups does it take to get a six pack? I don’t know, but I do know that it’s more than I’ve done in my whole life.
- Maybe I’m not drinking enough protein shakes? That might be it.
- Okay, this nutrition thing is hard. Did you know onions have calories? Fuckin’ onions, guys. Straight to your butt. That’s where the phrase onion booty comes from.
- I mean, I bet Channing Tatum doesn’t get onions on his burgers right? I bet he doesn’t even eat burgers. I bet he eats raw chickens that have been shown Pumping Iron clips their whole lives.
- Maybe if I shave everything I’ll see my results quicker. BRB.
- My everything hurts.
- Every muscle in Matthew Macaunaghey’s body points to his dick.
- Don’t leave your wife/girlfriend alone with Matthew Macaunaghey. But you already knew that. (See 9.)
- I don’t know how to spell Matthew Macaunaghey. And I don’t care. And get away from my fucking wife, dude.
- My friend’s wife used to call him “Matthew McCumOnMe.” They got divorced later that summer.
The Amazing Spiderman
5 Life Lessons
- If you are going to be a nerd, it helps to have the bone structure and hair of Andrew Garfield.
- You are a nerd even if you don’t look or sound like a nerd, as long as the people around you treat you like a nerd.
- The webbing apparatus that is extremely cutting edge, is also surprisingly cheap! How else could a high school student from a lower middle class home afford it?
- Big time research labs will allow high school students to do experiments there, and to lead in depth tours of other high school students. As long as you look like Emma Stone.
- The scientist who really hates that he has only one hand, and stares at it sadly all the time, and is working on a thing that’ll regrow limbs no matter what the cost? Yeah, he’s the bad guy.
This article was originally published July 2012