A More Useful College Course Catalogue


Hallucinogenic Drugs You Can Add to Ramen

Professor: Jungle Tom

Time: Whenever, after 2 p.m., or whenever the Universe beckons you

Along with amphetamines and opiates, hallucinogens offer a world of whack-ass experiences for the typical college student. Unlike crack or heroin, this will only SORT OF destroy your life and give you flashbacks that’ll really fuck you up when you need to be doing something grown up, like witnessing the birth of your first child or driving. This course will cover the various ramens, such as beef flavor and chicken flavor, and how to pair them with your LSD or mushrooms appropriately. Clear three to five days after each class to process what the fuck just happened.


Vagina — Where Is it, and Why?

Professors: Melissa & Marshall Watkins

Time: 8 a.m. As they say, the early bird catches the exciting, consensual sex!

In a world riddled with vaginas, most men and women still struggle with this age-old question. While the penis flops about, announcing “I am here and have nowhere to hide!”, the vagina is a bit more elusive. This course will cover the basics, such as “Who has vaginas?” and “Really, all of them have vaginas?” It will be an education in sexual satisfaction and a reminder that yes, women are super into orgasms.


Bongs: A History

Professor: Puff-esser Dank

Time: 4:30 p.m. JK, obviously 4:20 p.m.

Behind every great man is a great bong. From the Prophet Mu-HIGH-med to Johnny Appleweed, we will look at the evolution of bongs, and critique the various styles. With in-depth individual analysis, the student will gain a profound knowledge of all things bong, though he or she will most likely forget it all almost immediately due to cannabis maximus in the brainimus.


How to Act When You Run into Someone You Made Out with and Can’t Remember Their Name

Professor: Visiting Professor Stephen Hawking

Time: 11 a.m.

This is a delicate situation that seems fairly simple but actually requires thoughtful mathematical navigation. Generally speaking, this is a person who put their mouth on your face once and will therefore probably be into and/or fine with doing it again, with the eventual possibility of developing into a full-blown fuckbuddy. If he or she realizes you do not remember their name, chances of repeating the awkward encounter drop by 35%. Using quantum mechanics and advanced theoretical physics, it is possible to convince them they have forgotten YOUR name, putting the onus on them and leaving the power with you. If you can’t fit this course in your schedule, Professor Hawking offers you his time machine.


Beer Pong: Beginning, Intermediate, and Advanced Levels

Professor: Tad McTad

Time: When You Are Ready, Bro, And Only When You Are Ready, Bro.

What’s the point of playing beer pong if you fuckin’ blow chunks at it? If you’re gonna be a human testicle, just drink in the fucking corner and let the big boys play. Otherwise man up, and show that your cock is hugemongomatic by totally ripping it on the beer pong field. Ladies also welcome to show that their metaphorical cocks are hugemongomatic.


Breaking Up with Your High School Sweetheart Over Thanksgiving Break: A Primer

Professor: Mickey Ricketts

Time: 2–3 p.m., every day the week before Thanksgiving

This is a quick, two-credit elective going over polite but firm breakup basics. You want to get in, get out, and enjoy your turkey cranberry sandwiches and fantasize about your future, now-allowed sexual sandwiches. Ideally, you’ll be arguing with the hottie in the dorm next door whether or not you gave him chlamydia by Christmas.


Philosophy 101: Buy Underwear or Do Laundry?

Professor: A hologram of Friedrich Nietzsche

Time: 10 p.m.

Aristotle first posed this question to his hot, hot girlfriend in 347 B.C. She didn’t care because she was still sort of in love with her high school boyfriend and was busy etching him sexts on leaves of papyrus. Aristotle got jealous, broke up with her, and then got really into CrossFit, but the age-old question remains: When is it appropriate to do your laundry, and when is it appropriate to say fuck it, I’m just gonna buy new underwear?


Make-Your-Own-Drugs Chemistry

Professor: Mr. Feeny. No, not from Boy Meets World. If anyone comments on that reference in class, I will straight Season 1 Breaking Bad bathtub dissolve your fucking ass.

Time: Don't worry, the shit I give you will knock you out completely as we cross the border. No need to wake up till Oaxaca. 

This course will instruct you on how to make your own drugs, and also how to SELL your own drugs by putting into place a practical business model. This class appeals to the business major looking to start a supply-and-demand–based business, and the liberal arts major looking to huff, snort, or inject literally anything they can get their hands on.