Heroes Month continues into month two or three here at The Occasional. Joining us for an in-depth look at heroes is stand-up Ian Edwards. Ian is very funny and you should buy his CD.
If you could craft the perfect superhero, what powers would it have? What would it look like?
If I could craft the perfect superhero the world would be in trouble cause I’d probably guilt him into only serving me. “Look I created you, so you gotta beat these dudes up for me. I don’t care if they’re grown men with families. They shouldn’t have picked on me in high school." He'd probably have muscles -- can’t have him looking puny and unintimidating cause villains won’t respect that. They don’t even respect with muscles. He’d have to have super strength. The ability to fly in case I need something from the store. He’d have to have a small carbon foot print, which means he’d have to annually smog checked. He’d turn down my woman if she wants to sleep with him, help me move, get me into clubs, and have an endless supply of ready to loan me cash.
Which current Superhero needs to step up its goddamn game?
Superman. He destroyed an entire city in his last movie. I couldn’t enjoy the fights cause I kept calculating how much each punch was gonna cost. Man OF Steel has a lot of construction to do. Metropolis is unlivable at this point.
Fuck Marry Kill: Heroes (The TV Show), Heroes (The sandwich), Heroes (Single Moms)
Fuck: Heroes (single moms), Marry: Heroes (the TV show) Kill heroes (the sandwich) By the way these are dumb examples for this game.
Who do you think looks up to you?
Usually people at outdoor concerts sitting in the grass, little kids, people in wheelchairs. Asian guys in their low rider Fast and Furious cars. Obama. A stripper crawling towards me for singles, and anyone I’ve lied to about how great I am.
Say you are a superhero, name 5 things you would have in your lair.
First I’m excited to have a lair. Always wanted to be able to afford one. I’d definitely keep my car/cars there, weapons, a computer so I can track what evil-doers are doing to my city, tons of bullet-proof stuff, and the morning after pill.