“Time Warner Cable, this is Erin speaking, please hold,” I say.
“Oh, I just wanted—”
“Please hold,” I say again, despite the woman’s exasperated tone. For the good of mankind, she’s going to have to wait.
Read MoreA Letter To Marvel Regarding My Recent Radioactive Spider Bite
Had a couple questions I was hoping you could help me with — mostly regarding Spiderman’s origin story. In both the comics and the films, I was lead to believe he was bit by a radioactive spider? Cause the thing is, um, so have I.
Read MoreThe Adventures of a Female Super Hero
When the fighting finally finished half the town lay in ruins, but she had won. Galaxis, Earthʼs greatest hero and guardian of humanity, staggered to her feet. Her blue cape was tattered, her silver polymer jumpsuit scorched with countless laser burns.
Read MoreBeing Superman Has Bored Me and I’d Like The Entire Justice League To Have Sex While I Watch
Being Superman has bored me and I’d like the entire Justice League to have sex while I watch. Oh, sorry. One more thing: You’re all going to have to wear a Superman suit. Not to worry; I had Batman’s weird old roommate get all your sizes.
Read MoreA Gentleman’s Guide To Becoming A Supervillain
When running your lucrative business, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when running the world.
Read MoreWeapon X to Wolverine: Please Come Back To Finish Your Physical Therapy
Hello Mr. Wolverine. My name is Keith Lemay, I’m a physical therapist at the Weapon X program. Our records show that recently you violently escaped our compound after Dr. Stryker grafted adamantium to your skeleton, but that you did not complete your physical therapy.
Read MoreWomen Are the Real Heroes
Women can have babies, while all men can do is fire a few sperm into the vagina. Women house the place where a sperm penetrates an egg and creates a zygote — the beginnings of human life. Men have a penis and two balls that hold the ammo for the penis to squirt.
Read MoreI Think I Should Get More Credit for Killing Hitler
I think I should get more credit for killing Hitler. And I know you’re thinking: “Who’s Hitler? I’ve never heard of a guy named Hitler.” But the only reason you’re saying that is because I went back in time and killed him.
Read MoreCatching Up with 'Orange is the New Black' star Jermaine Fowler
We sent along some questions for Jermaine and he was nice enough to take a few minutes off from promoting the new season to send back some answers.
Read MoreTom Hanks Stories
My uncle Mort used to work at a drug store in Los Angeles. One day, in the middle of his shift, Tom Hanks walked in and bought a tube of toothpaste.
Read MorePhone Call With The DMV About A License Plate Which By Chance Spelled Out BRUCLEE
“Hi, yes, I’m calling about an issue with a recent license plate that I paid for.”
...
“No, it arrived fine. That’s not the issue.”
...
“The issue is that the license plate says Bruce Lee.”
...
“Yes, that’s right. The Chinese kung-fu movie star from the 1970s.”
...
“B...R...U...C...L...E...E.”
…
“No, my problem’s not with -”
…
“Yes, I know that there’s a seven character limit.”
…
“Yes, I agree that even with the ‘E’ left off of ‘BRUCE’ you can still tell what it says. That’s not what -”
...
“Listen to me! The problem is that I didn’t order a novelty plate. I ordered a regular plate and through some sort of statistical anomaly instead of a seemingly random assortment of letters, the plate I just received looks like I did in fact intentionally choose this particular collection and order of characters with the purpose of conveying my enthusiasm for the oeuvre of film star Bruce Lee.”
...
“I’m serious.”
...
“Yes, I’m sure I didn’t accidentally buy a novelty license plate.”
...
“Well, I know because I paid the standard $25 rate for regular plates, not the $60 initial fee plus $31.25 annual upkeep fee thereafter for personalized plates.”
...
“Well, as it so happens, I am familiar with vanity plate logistics.”
...
“Why? I don’t want to tell you because I think it will make you believe me less and I just want you to send me a different plate.”
…
“Can’t you just look it up in your system? Look, fine, I know because I have bought a personalized plate in the past. Okay?”
...
“I don’t want to tell you what it said.”
...
“Because it will make you believe me less.”
...
“Fine. It said Lee Jun-fan.”
...
“Well, it’s relevant because it is Bruce Lee’s given name.”
...
“No, his real name wasn’t Bruce.”
…
“He was Chinese.”
…
“Bruce isn’t a Chinese name.”
...
“Excuse me?”
...
“How is me saying that ‘Bruce’ isn’t a Chinese name racist?”
…
Well, Lee Jun-fan is a Chinese name. It’s Cantonese for ‘return again.’”
...
“‘Bruce’ doesn’t mean anything in Cantonese because it isn’t Cantonese.”
...
“Well, I don’t like your tone and I am not lying.”
…
“Why did I get it? I don’t want to tell you.”
…
“Because it will make you believe me less.”
…
“Fine. I got it because I’m a huge Bruce Lee fan.”
…
“Stop laughing.”
…
“Please stop laughing.”
…
“Yes, he’s something of a personal hero of mine.”
…
“Sir, please stop laughing.”
...
“Yes, I know. I know it makes it even that much more of a coincidence that I would receive this random assortment of letters.”
...
“No, I wouldn’t describe it as ironic.”
...
“Well, I wouldn’t describe it as ironic because that’s not what irony means.”
…
“No, irony doesn’t mean -”
…
“Right, well, according to an OED commissioned study approximately 78% of printed uses of ‘irony’ are incorrect.”
...
“Most of the time when people say ‘ironic’ they mean ‘coincidental’ or ‘improbable.’ So, for example, it would be correct to say that it is ‘improbable’ that a huge Bruce Lee fan would randomly receive a random license plate that spelled out Bruce Lee. But that would not be ironic.”
...
“It actually means a state of affairs that seems deliberately contrary to expectations and is thus amusing as a result.”
...
“Um, I don’t know, remember those ‘PARENTAL WARNING’ explicit music labels that used to be on CDs? Well, those were designed to warn parents and thus prevent children from listening to those CDs, but the actual outcome was that they became more cool and thus attractive to children and so CDs with ‘PARENTAL WARNING’ labels were even more likely to be listened to by kids instead of less likely as the label was intended. That’s ironic.”
...
“Or if I said, ‘This phone call is going well’ it could be said that I was saying it ironically because I wish to convey the opposite meaning, so synonymous to ‘sarcastic’ in that usage, which is also correct.”
...
“Yes, that means that in that song she was using it wrong. She was a dumb Canadian.”
...
“How is that racist? She misused a word, which makes her dumb, and she was from Canada, which makes her Canadian. And Canadian isn’t a race.”
...
“Yes, everyone misuses words, but not so much that it causes a generation of others to also use it wrong.”
...
“Yes, I agree English is an evolving language.”
...
“I don’t think that’s a fair comparison.”
...
“Because Shakespeare invented words, he didn’t misuse existing words.”
...
“Um, I don’t know, like, ‘gloomy’ and ‘majestic’ and ‘lonely’ and a whole bunch of others.”
…
“No, ‘You Oughta Know’ was the one about the guy from ‘Full House.’ Look, can you please just send me a new plate?”
...
“Well, you’re wrong. I am not stoked.”
…
“No, I do love him and he is still my hero, but I was fired from my job recently and my girlfriend wouldn’t be happy to see me spending money frivolously.”
…
“Right, but she won’t believe that. She’ll think I am not being frugal, which is another word that Shakespeare invented.”
...
“No, it’s not ironic that I just thought of that.”
...
“Right, but just like you didn’t believe me at first, she isn’t going to believe me that I didn’t spend money on a novelty plate. I have most of his movies memorized. I’ve read every interview with him that ever was done. I have posters of him in my bedroom. Posters plural as in more than one. She is not going to believe that this just happened by chance.”
...
“36 to the power of 7, actually, just accounting for 26 letter possibilities and 10 number possibilities for each of the seven slots.”
...
“Yeah, big. It comes out to one in 78 trillion.”
...
“No, it’s bigger actually. There are 300 billion stars in the Milky Way.”
...
“It varies but most scientists say 37.2 trillion cells in an average human body.”
...
“Yeah.”
...
“Well, I guess he is my hero because I think he sort of represents the pinnacle of the combination of mental and physical discipline. His life was a fully present one. A lot of his philosophy was about being rather than doing. Like, he said, ‘There is nothing to try to do but try to be purposeless and formless, like water.’”
...
“You could start with his first film, ‘The Big Boss’ from 1971, but that was written and directed by Lo Wei. So, if you were just going to watch one, I’d say go with the only film he wrote and directed, ‘Way Of The Dragon’ from 1972, which was the year before he died.”
...
“Yeah, that’s true.”
...
“Of something called a ‘cerebral edema’ which basically just means excess fluid in the brain.”
…
“Really sad, yeah.”
...
“No, that’s the thing. Nothing caused it. Just one of those freak accidents that can happen.”
...
“Hah, yeah, maybe like 1 in 78 trillion.”
...
“True.”
…
“Wow, yeah. Well put, but look, could you please just… My girlfriend is going to break up with me if she thinks I am spending money on stupid stuff like novelty plates and she already thinks my Bruce Lee fandom is unhealthy.”
...
“How? I don’t want to tell you how I lost my job.
...
“I don’t want to say because -”
…
“Fine. My boss thought my novelty Lee Jun-fan license plate was racist.
…
“Well, Lee Jun-fan was too many letters, so it actually said JUNFAN1.
...
“She, actually, and yes, she was Chinese.
…
“So, there’s no way that you’ll send me a new random one?
...
“No, it’s okay. I understand.
...
“Okay, I guess I’ll just pay for a new novelty plate but choose random letters.
…
“Yes, I do want a random one, but if I actually order another random one and I get another 1 in 78 trillion anomaly of, say FRYFIST or something my girlfriend is not going to believe that it was random and I’m back in the same spot.
...
“Thank you. Yes. Okay, choosing randomly, how about…C...H…, and let’s throw a number in so I definitely won’t accidentally spell something...1...N...3….S...how many is that?
…
“Okay, and how about end with a 3.”
...
“Great. Do you need anything else from me?”
…
“Oh yeah. Duh. My name is Dave Coulier.
…
“No, I’m not him, we just have the same name.
…
“No. No it is not. It’s just chance.”
What’s Underneath the Turtleneck of the New Yorker’s Fancy Man Mascot
What’s this dandy hiding?
Read MoreMe, My Me, and I: A Love Story
I've loved me since the day I met me. It was three years ago when I first caught sight of that mirror in Bed Bath & Beyond. I couldn't look away: Me had wild brown hair, soft green eyes, and a great ass. I made one of my signature catcall whistles to let me know I liked the way me looked.
Read MoreBigfoot's Line of Self-Help Books
He's big, he's hairy, and he's unlocking the keys to financial success.
Read MoreOur “Our Philosophy Poster” Poster
Relax. Breathe in. See those three Vitamix blenders? They are state-of-the-art in healthfulness tech.
Read MoreNobody’s Buying Our Bamboo and You All Are To Blame
D
ear Employees of Bamboo Revolution Furnishings,
Congratulations to everyone for a great first year. Founding this company has been a dream. With our commitment to natural materials and hard work, we’ve created the healthiest, most timeless products possible. Like the bamboo we import from China, our furnishings are strong and elegant.
But it’s not all good news. Despite the quality in our craft, sales are down. And after a month-long dive into the data, our research team has found the cause:
Our employees are eating all the bamboo. And not just the building supply. The actual products. All of it.
Now, I recognize this is partly my fault, as I gambled on hiring a team of giant, adult Panda Bears to be my salesmen. It was a calculated business move and I stand by my rationale: Who knows more about bamboo than Panda Bears?
Nobody. Nobody knows more about bamboo than Panda Bears. Panda Bears are bamboo.
But if I’m being honest, I now regret a lot of my decisions. Notably spending millions of my own dollars to purchase Panda Bears that otherwise would have been sold into captivity at the San Diego Zoo. I felt it was a win-win situation for both parties: Panda Bears would be freed and given employment in a lucrative position with room for growth; and I would get the best, most knowledgeable salesmen outside of the competitive Asian market.
Alas, I know it’s not useful to regret things. Could I regret connecting the sales office and the warehouse, the latter of which is filled with delicious, fresh bamboo? Perhaps. Could I regret constructing a bamboo wall to separate the two sides, a wall that would only get eaten the day it was finished? Perhaps. But perhaps you all could practice some goddamn self-control and not eat all the products. Got that, Panda Bears? Don’t. Eat. The. Products. Bad Panda Bears. That’s a bad Panda Bear.
To recap:
- The tables: Don’t eat them.
- The hardwood floors: Don’t eat them
- The cabinets: Don’t eat them
- The cutting boards: If you need to eat something, these are acceptable. In fact, as a bargaining chip, I will be stocking the vending machines with these handcrafted bad boys.
Now, this memo isn’t all reprimanding. I’ve got some good news, too. Our regional salespanda of the month, Xin Xin, gave birth to a new cub this year. Congratulations to Xin Xin and her new family. Though if I’m being honest here, you have got to be goddamn kidding me. That’s another mouth to feed. It’s nearly impossible to get Panda Bears to mate, yet here I am, watching Bamboo Revolution Furnishings go down the goddamn drain as generations of Panda Bears chow down on my product.
The message I’m getting at here is very simple — a message I reiterated in the hundreds of emails I’ve sent in the last few months: Don’t eat the bamboo. Just don’t, Panda Bears. Are you guys even reading the emails I send??? Are you??? For that matter, I’m now realizing you guys may not be able to read at all! You Panda Bears a like a pack of hairy Helen Kellers and sending you something you have to read is probably not the brightest move. And that’s on me. I must be a big goddamn idiot. First the hiring of you assholes and then the emails to illiterate Panda Bears? I might as well eat the goddamn bamboo myself!
Sorry. I apologize. If you’re still reading this/can read at all, I’m very sorry I let myself go off the handle. And congratulations again to Xin Xin. I’m sorry I screamed so loudly at your child’s birth and held up that sign that sign that said “NOOOO” as he emerged unto this earth.
I frankly don’t know why I’m continuing to write this update. Screw it, Panda Bears, here’s a graphic that should convey what I’m trying to get at.
By the way, I had to hire an outside graphic designer to make this image. As you probably guessed, I got nowhere when I tried to explain what I wanted to the Panda Bear currently employed as Art Director.
Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time (Volume 3)
Hi! I'm Dr. Sex Man
I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do. The questions below have been provided by actual readers. If we didn't get to yours in this round, stay tuned, and as always, keep the questions coming to drsexman@funnyordie.com.
Dear Dr. Sex Man,
I've been dating my girlfriend for years. Her dad wants me to propose. Should I do this while "doing it"?
— Doer From Dover
No. I tried it once. I was having, you know, sex, with this girl I liked and I wanted to marry her and I said, “Will you marry me,” but the only thing that she heard was “Mary,” because I was thrusting and out of breath and probably drooling. Anyway, Her name was Claire, not Mary, and she got really mad. A second later I tried to propose again but by that time she was in the bathroom cleaning herself up, and she thought I proposed to my flaccid, um, you know, my penis. She left because I blew it.
Dear Dr. Sex Man,
Dear Dr. Sex Man,
I love my boyfriend very much, but I'm a very sexual person and love to please. Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s is 55 going on 56 and I’m 47. We only have sex once a week, if that. His testosterone levels are extremely low and I've suggested he see another doctor since the current doc feels like a man his age shouldn't be having a lot of sex. What should I do? Also, how can get I him to go down on me nicely without his "EGO" getting hurt? Sexual conversation is not an easy convo with him. HELP!!!!!!
— Sexually Frustrated 47-Year-Old sent from my iPad
Oh, man, that’s great that you have a boyfriend at that age! And I guess it’s also great that you are still having, you know, sex. I’m hoping that when I reach that age I will no longer hyperventilate when the word "sex" is even mentioned out loud in a PG-13 movie.
But wait a second, he has a doctor who doesn’t think a man his age should be having a lot of sex? Is that something doctors say? Will he have a heart attack? I usually trust doctors, because they tell me when I've swallowed too many coins or when I can start lifting houseplants again, but this sounds strange. Sex is something to be feared because it is terribly frightening and embarrassing and I blow it all the time, not because it is unhealthy.
If you are competing with the doctor, maybe you need to turn your boyfriend on in more ways. Why not try incorporating something men of his age are into? Dressing up like a boat, or barbecue, perhaps? Maybe temporary tattoo the New York Times crossword on your back or tummy? This sounds weird; I think I’m blowing it right now.
As for your final question of many, Ms. My iPad, I would suggest yelling “Keep Going!” while he is going, you know, downtown on you. That way his EGO will be more encouraged than intimidated. Just don’t yell, “You look so funny from up here,” “Is your tongue made of uncooked bacon?”, or “Leaning against a purring cat is more effective than this.” All of those will make him feel bad, and you’ll blow it.
Hi Dr. Sex Man,
I was wondering: why do men like it when girls arch their backs during doggy style? And which is better, when a girl is on her hands and knees, or on her elbows and knees?
— Doggy-Gone from Des Moines
Holy Moly. Okay, so doggy style is when you are, you know, having sex with a girl, and the man is standing or he’s on his knees, right? And the girl is on all fours, er, she’s pretending to be a table. So the guy is having sex with the girl pretending to be a table, right, and you’re asking why men like it when girls arch their backs during that time? I’m going to assume you mean arch the back down, like a ‘U’ shape, right? And men like it more? They do? I guess since I’ve only had sex with a girl while she was in that kind of table-pretending position one time, I don’t have an opinion, personally. I’m not sure if she did anything with her back, to be honest, because I couldn’t stop thinking about tables, and that she was a table, and then I pictured a coffee table book on her back and then I thought how that’s a mean thought because coffee table books are so heavy, and then I thought how hard it would be to balance a cup of juice on her back, and that makes her a bad table, and then I thought it’s weird to think of a girl you like as a bad table, so I blew that one.
Maybe guys like the arched back because then the girl doesn’t remind them of tables so much? So if we are sticking to this table logic, maybe being on the elbows and knees is a more-preferable position, because then you won’t look anything like a table, ladies. Not even close.
Get Advice:
More Sex Advice From Dr. Sex Man:
History's Dumbest Theories About the Moon
As long as there have been idiots, there have been idiot theories about the moon: what it’s made of, what exists on its surface, and who, if anyone, might live there. Here are some of our favorite theories of the moon over the ages.
Albino Stingray Moon - 400 A.D.
A group of nomadic tribes on the island of Papua New Guinea were convinced the moon was an active mass of albino stingrays. As the story goes, an albino stingray was found on the ground one day during a full moon, and this one guy, Alvin, said that it must have fallen from the moon, and everyone just kind of went with it. Historians believe Alvin was the member of the tribe who would test mushrooms to see if they were okay to eat.
Forest Moon - 1780 A.D.
Celebrated amateur astronomer William Herschel used his homemade telescopes to discover the planet Uranus and thousands of binary star systems. Hershel was also able to observe the most detailed views of the moon in human history, and concluded the moon was covered in vast forests of trees, which is really dumb. Upon hearing this theory, the Royal Society of London went outside to double check that whole Uranus thing.
Moon Blankets - 1840 A.D.
As pioneers crossed the Great Plains along the Oregon Trail, many scientists were amongst them, and had unprecedented, clear views of the night sky. From there they believed the moon was covered in blankets. Aliens would picnic on the moon, romantically stare up at the Earth, and smooch tentacles. Historians believe these “scientists" were probably cold, ridden with typhoid fever, and were testing out any new mushrooms they came across.
Hollow Spacecraft Moon - 1893 A.D.
After the Industrial Revolution, many thought that the moon was actually a giant hollow spacecraft. Star Wars is actually a satire making fun of all those idiots.
Cigar Moon - 1919 A.D.
A bunch of smoking ding dongs also thought the moon was covered in cigars and cigar ash. Cigars are so good they had to have come from a place not on this Earth, they would say with smoke coming out of their mouths at the dinner table. This way of thinking was so popular, in fact, it is why to this very day rich idiots call cigars “Moon’s gift to man.”
Moon of Ants - 1930 A.D.
As entomological studies increased, experts began to understand that ants could live in nearly every type of environment. So why not the moon? The large craters could be nothing more than colonies run amuck, right? Bug nerds from across the world hoped it to be true, but it’s not.
The Spilled Milkshake Moon - 1955 A.D.
As milkshakes grew in popularity, so too did the theory that milkshakes were the reason the moon was two shades of vanilla and chocolate. After the owner of a soda shoppe presented his thoughts to the Royal Society, he was immediately shot. The shooter turned out to be an extremist Cigar Mooner, attempting to quell the growing Milkshake Movement.
Moon of Melted City Snow - 1968 A.D.
Astronaut Neil Armstrong was personally convinced that the moon was made of a mix of white snow and a shitty, dark, city snow that is half-melted, full of trash and suspicious-looking dirt. He held onto the City Snow Theory until he took his first step on the moon. Disappointed, Armstrong begrudgingly said, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” instead of his originally planned phrase, “I fuckin’ knew it was snow!”
Illustrated & Animated by Natasha Federova
Fine Dining Round-Up
Marn Staples
I’m esteemed food critic Marn Staples. There are a lot of great restaurants out there. But how will you know which one to open your wallet (and mouth!) at?
Hostaria Del Sogno
Located in the lobby of the Lafayette Hotel, one would be excused for assuming Hostaria Del Sogno is only worth your time if you’re staying there on business. But its fantastic menu and impeccable service make this seasonal Italian restaurant one of the city’s finest.
Chef Gianni Derivi, a native of Florence, prepares delightful rustic Italian fare using locally sourced ingredients. My server, Brian, recommended the wild boar sausage polenta with morels. He did not steer me wrong: I ate every heavenly bite.
Later, when Brian returned to check up on me, he looked at my clean plate and remarked, “Boy, sir, you must’ve hated it!” I burst out in hysterics! What a marvelously delivered quip. I expected to have a belly full of food, but I also got a belly full of laughs!
After I finished my dessert — a sumptuous blueberry ricotta cheesecake — I found myself hoping Brian would pull the same joke on me again. But I guess he decided once was enough. I anticipate my return to sample more of Chef Derivi’s delicacies — and more chuckles courtesy of Brian!
HIGHS: Densely flavored Italian dishes; wonderfully funny wait staff
LOWS: Underwhelming courtyard view; expensive corkage fee
Jin San
Jin San is the brainchild of Chef Tetsuo Nomura, formerly chef de cuisine at legendary sushi outlet Susubane. Striking out on his own, Nomura has crafted an ambitious Japanese/New American fusion concept that sometimes seems unsure of its own identity.
My server, Janet, suggested the omakase, a chef’s selection of sushi dishes and small plates. The initial courses of sushi I received arrived room temperature and smelled sour — major red flags. A later cooked dish — a miso mackerel with wasabi emulsion — tasted rancid, but I finished my plate out of professional obligation. Janet noticed my empty dish, and asked, “You still working on that?” I stammered, confused by the question, when suddenly, Janet cut in with a “Gotcha!” Hilarious! The whole meal was redeemed!
The next day, while I was besieged by the worst case of foodborne illness of my life — repeatedly filling my toilet with watery brown liquid spraying from both major orifices — I thought back on Janet’s outrageous quip and laughed and laughed. Sorry, Brian, but you’re no Janet!
HIGHS: Hilarious staff that will have you rolling on the cherrywood floors
LOWS: Food is lacking in flavor and presentation; “C” rating from the Health Department
Lucidity
Most chefs go their entire careers without winning a coveted James Beard Award. Chef Ty Alexander received his prior to his 30th birthday. This young lion of American fine dining is a master of seafood, so it’s appropriate his flagship restaurant has a picturesque bay view.
My exceptionally accommodating server, Alan, steered me through multiple courses of absolutely stunning food: a Woodleaf farms kale salad that was at once light and opulent; seared sea scallops over Israeli couscous that tasted like food for the gods. But as my meal approached its end, there was one problem: I had yet to laugh.
Then, I had an idea. Remembering Brian’s joke, I thought I could induce Alan to play along. So, I pointed at my empty plate and said, “As you can tell, I hated it!” Alan did not understand and apologized, offering the meal on the house. I had to clarify that I was joking, which he met with an “Oh, okay.” A deflating end to an otherwise transcendent meal.
When I got home, still starved for laughs, I called Hostaria Del Sogno and asked them to put Brian on the phone. I reintroduced myself and asked Brian to do the plate joke for me. He seemed extremely confused, but still willing to play ball. After he said, “Boy, you must’ve hated it!,” he stayed on the phone with me as I laughed for four minutes straight. If only Lucidity was so accommodating to its patrons.
HIGHS: Imaginative, delicious dishes by a true virtuoso
LOWS: Where are the jokes, ya goobers?
Chucklers Comedy Club
With its oversize cutout of a laughing cartoon man on the backstage wall, you know exactly what you’re in for when you find your seat in Chucklers. This stand-up club doesn’t have a kitchen, so the closest you’ll get to food is any garnishes that come with your two-drink minimum. But I found that trade-off more than worthwhile.
Our headliner was Liz Greenberg, who I learned I should know from her appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly. Perhaps in another life she was a doctor, because her observation-based humor had me in stitches! In fact, midway through her set, Liz noticed my boisterous laughter and turned her comedic guns on me. “Who’s that asshole laughing so obnoxiously?” she said. “Shut the fuck up, everyone hates you!” she finished, to hysterics from me and emphatic applause from the delighted crowd.
As security escorted me to my car, still convulsing with laughter, one thought filled my head: This was the best meal of my life.
HIGHS: Riotously funny; open-mic on Sunday nights for the daring
LOWS: Not a restaurant
How to Give Him the Sexiest Flag Day of His Life
Ladies! You’re a lady, and you know what THAT means–SEX SEX SEX! Also, Flag Day is right around the corner, and you know what THAT means for us ladies–SEX SEX SEX! Holidays are the best because it gives MODERN ACADEMIC WOMEN a chance FINALLY to be SEXY for once! Follow this fun, flirty guide to make sure your MAN is satisfied this Flag Day!
Do
Since Flag Day commemorates the adoption of the flag of the United States by resolution of the Second Continental Congress in 1777, a good sexy tip for Flag Day is to lightly massage his prostate.
Don't
Make the mistake of shouting out that “Flag Day’s a Federal holiday” while climaxing because Flag Day is not an official federal holiday, though on June 14, 1937, Pennsylvania became the first (and only) U.S. state to celebrate Flag Day as a state holiday, beginning in the town of Rennerdale!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WOULD BE A MAJOR SEX DON’T!
Fun Fact: tickling a man’s prostate will lead to marriage.
Do
Dress up like George Morris of Hartford, Connecticut, who first coined the name “Flag Day” in Kansas: a Cyclopedia of State History, published by Standard Publishing Company of Chicago in 1912. But, like, slutty!! George was a prude!
Don't
Burn a flag. Unless you want to have twins. :/
Do
In honor of the designer of the American flag, try one of Betsy Ross’ favorite sexy positions! YOU know what I mean by sexy positions – I mean SEXUAL POSITIONS!! Ol’ Bets was pretty freaky, so only try them if you’re comfortable. Betsy Ross could massage Abraham Lincoln’s prostate with her MAN HANDS! Fun fact: Abe Lincoln’s prostate was four feet tall.
Don't
Try Betsy Ross’ VERY favorite position. I can’t even tell you what the position is, it’s that gross. She died by doing it. Betsy Ross died in a horrific sex accident. I know this is a sex article, but that position is so gross. Betsy Ross had huge hands.
Do
Make a sexy lingerie number out of one of the sexier parts of the flag (the stars). The stars of the flag, from far away, look like nips! And EVERY lady knows that men LOVE nip-tips! The exchange rate of nips to love is 4:1!!! So if you put this flag around you, you will get one (1) love. Didn’t your mom teach you that when she taught you shaving?
Don't
Make lingerie out of a flag that isn’t the United States. Estonia? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING. Those are three horizontal stripes. They’ll make you look fatter than you already are, you Estonian cow. Excuse me, I take it back, you’re a “lehm.”
Do
“LEHM” IS ESTONIAN FOR “FAT IRISH-COW” HAHAHAHA
Don't
Look up if I was telling the truth about the Estonia thing just now. JUST BELIEVE IT, LIKE YOUR MOM BELIEVED IN FEEDING YOU TOO MUCH PIZZAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
Do
Sex a flag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't
Sex a kid.
This article was originally published May 2012