Had a couple questions I was hoping you could help me with — mostly regarding Spiderman’s origin story. In both the comics and the films, I was lead to believe he was bit by a radioactive spider? Cause the thing is, um, so have I. But so far I’m not experiencing any new powers. In fact, I just feel kinda terrible and weak?
I know what you’re thinking: “How do you know for sure this spider was radioactive?” Well, for starters, he was glowing. Second, this was right outside a power plant. So it’d have to be a pretty crazy coincidence not to be. Your second question is probably: “Well, was it the same size?” No, it was bigger! So if anything I should have become more powerful than Spiderman. Additionally, where Peter Parker was bit by accident, mine was intentional. I basically saw an opportunity for super powers and I took it. Poor thing didn’t even want to bite me at first. I really had to work for it. Poked it with a stick a bunch. Called it names. Where Parker didn’t provoke his spider in the least, I did some pretty awful stuff to mine and it mostly just tried to run away.
When he finally entered the fight or flight stage, he bit. “Hooray! Super powers!” WRONG!!! All that happened was it hurt a bunch. But that’s fine! I can handle it! As the poster says, with great pain comes great responsibility. I also wasn’t worried when my powers didn’t arrive immediately cause, as everyone knows, Peter Parker wakes up with them the next morning. If anything, the shade of blue my wrist was turning made me think it was happening faster than normal.
I went to bed that night thinking of all the stuff I’d do in the morning. Climb walls, beat bullies, upside-down kiss girls — the whole nine. You can imagine my disappointment when I woke up feeling AWFUL. Not only could I not lift my bed, I couldn’t even get out of it. Marvel, is this supposed to happen? If it is, I think you should have included it in the comics. I puked 37 times that morning, constantly reassuring myself it was just weakness leaving my body. I mean, the blue wrist was now a blue arm so clearly this spider did something right.
Here’s where my main question comes in: Was I missing a step? It’s been a couple of weeks now and I still don’t have my powers. None of them. And I realize Spidey’s webslingers were something he built, but, to be honest, I just don’t have the strength to put something like that together. I don’t even have the strength to write this. I’m currently dictating it to my mom’s lawyer, who suggested I get my affairs in order.
None of this is to imply my body hasn’t gone through a noticeable transformation. It has. In the weeks since I forced a spider to bite me, I’ve dropped 75 lbs. But I feel like that was mostly muscle and more a side effect of not being able to swallow food. Definitely not from being a superhero. In fact, I saw a bank robbery out my window yesterday and, not only did I not stop it, I couldn’t even muster the strength to dial 9-1-1. A lot of people were killed. I’m also going blind, which is more of a Daredevil thing and, to be honest, I’m not a fan of his. The ONLY real Spiderman thing that’s happened to me is my Uncle Ben was recently murdered. But that was just an unlucky coincidence.
Please do not take this letter as criticism. It’s more of a fact-finding mission. I’m still a huge fan of the comic. Even though I can’t muster the strength to visit the comic book store anymore, some really nice nuns have been coming by and reading them aloud to me. Yesterday, a priest came by to read me something called “Last Rites.” Excited to see where that storyline goes. Anyways, do you think you could do me a favor and bring Green Goblin back? Hopefully sooner than later cause I don’t think I have a ton of time left.