Dear Mr. Logan Wolverine:
Hello Mr. Wolverine. My name is Keith Lemay, I’m a physical therapist at the Weapon X program. Our records show that recently you violently escaped our compound after Dr. Stryker grafted adamantium to your skeleton, but that you did not complete your physical therapy. After such an extensive surgery I strongly recommend returning to the Weapon X compound to complete your PT and avoid any lingering joint pain you may experience as a result of your procedure with Dr. Stryker. It’s a necessary part of any surgery, even if, as your records state, you have a mutant ability to heal extraordinarily fast. It’s not about healing fast, Mr. Wolverine, it’s about healing right.
When we first met, Mr. Wolverine, you told me that your claws hurt “every time.” Now while that’s a sad statement that humanizes your character and your condition, I can’t help but think that this pain could have been avoided had you worked with a PT professional from the start. The second those claws came out of your hands you should have gotten a physical therapist on the line. It should have been your first thought. Well, your first thought probably should have been: “Oh my god, claws!” but your second thought definitely should have been physical therapy.
Believe me, I’ve heard all of the excuses: “I don’t have time for physical therapy, I have a job,” or “I don’t have time for physical therapy, I have kids,” or “I don’t have time for physical therapy, also I don’t want to go back to a government organization that attempts to turn me into a human weapon.” None of these excuses are valid. How are you going to keep performing your job when the chronic carpal tunnel hits? How will you play with your children when you can’t even play catch? And as far as that human weapon one, I can’t make any promises. I can’t control what Dr. Stryker does — I’m kind of low on the totem pole here. But at least your wrist won’t click when you move it.
We’ll need you back for 12 weeks, minimum, and probably longer. When a patient undergoes a traumatic procedure on a wrist they typically require between eight to twelve weeks of recovery. You had a procedure on your entire skeleton. Also, you have those retractable claws. Full disclosure: At this point we have no retractable claw exercises, and I’m a little worried they’ll pop all our yoga balls. But we will work with you to create a custom program. I got my degree in sports medicine from Arizona State. You’re in good hands.
And not to scare you but legally we are not liable for your recovery if you do not participate. You may recall one Victor “Sabretooth” Creed who also didn’t complete his therapy? Well, he is currently pursuing legal action for lingering damage to his left knee. Trust me when I say we have a very strong legal team. Sabretooth is getting nowhere with us in court. He has a weak argument and it doesn’t help that he looks like an actual monster. When all’s said and done he’s going to be out a lot of loonies, and if he had just had the therapy it would have been free. We’re in Canada. It’s all covered.
So please, Mr. Wolverine, come back and complete your PT. This is not an attempt to lure you back so we can continue to brainwash you. This is an attempt to make sure you’re comfortable jogging in your old age. You’re not getting any younger. You’re already, like, 150 years old.
Weapon X Program
Somewhere in Canada, Alberta, T3H 2E1
P.S. If your legal name is not Logan Wolverine please excuse me. Those were just the two words repeatedly scrawled on your papers. It was unclear if Logan was your first name or your last name or your Madonna name.