Being Superman Has Bored Me and I’d Like The Entire Justice League To Have Sex While I Watch


eing Superman has bored me and I’d like the entire Justice League to have sex while I watch. Oh, sorry. One more thing: You’re all going to have to wear a Superman suit. Not to worry; I had Batman’s weird old roommate get all your sizes.

Now, put them on. Strip. I’ll wait. Don’t be shy, everyone. Do it out in the open so I can grab a mental picture for later. Batman, do you really think I can’t see through that cape you’ve draped over yourself? And Wonder Woman, that jet is invisible and you’ve got nothing I haven’t seen before.

Everyone set? Let’s get it going.

Let’s see ... Aquaman, do you have a human dick or a fish dick? You know what, never mind. I wanna be surprised. OK, The Flash, I was thinking you could start by — oh, um, I see you’ve finished already. I should’ve seen that one coming from a mile away. My fault for — oh, you’re ready for another round? Wow. Yeah, you may be the star I was looking for. 

You know what, Batman? Changed my mind — you stay in your Batsuit. Actually, strike that — let’s go Supersuit but keep your Batbelt on for the toys. Oh! Oh! And when you’re entering Robin, I want you to do it on the hood of your FuckMobile — sorry BatMobilewhich I’m going to have enter frame midway through the shot. That’s right, I’m filming it. 

Green Lantern, I don’t know what you look like anyway so I’m gonna have to ask you to wear this Lois Lane mask.

Oh, also, since you’re all wearing my suit, your actual names will become irrelevant. I’ll be calling you all “Super YOUR NAME HERE.” Though if we’re being honest, things are gonna get pretty hot and heavy soon enough, so most likely I’m gonna get caught up in things and occasionally just scream my father’s name. To be safe, while you’re all fucking, just maintain eye contact with me at all times, so you know who I’m talking to.

Now a lot of you are asking, “Shouldn’t we be focusing on all those hostages in the White House?” And I agree with you! The sooner we finish, the sooner we can rescue the President. Flash, yes, I see you’ve finished again. You can put your hand down. For the rest of you, I wanna see some enthusiasm. So let’s get out there and — I’m sorry, Batman? Batman, it looks like you’re putting on a condom? Do you really think Superman wears condoms? I can bend bars of steel but you think my seed can’t penetrate latex? Trust me, those do nothing. Put it away.

Also what do you guys think of changing the name from “Hall of Justice” to “Hall of Just Tits”? I know given our current staff it’s not accurate; we’ll need some more lady heroes. For now that’s a lot of presh on you, Wonder Woman. Again, stop hiding in that jet. You’re as clear as day. And is Aquaman also in there using the restroom? What do you know, it IS a fish dick.


Illustration by Kevin Alvir