A Gentleman’s Guide To Purchasing Illegal Drugs


When purchasing consumer products, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when procuring that good shit.


  1. First, determine which manner of illicit drug you wish to imbibe by hiring a peasant boy to try every narcotic, stimulant, and psychotropic on the market. 
  2. Carefully observe each substance’s effect on the young street urchin - whichever puts him in the gayest mood, and does not kill him, is the drug for you. I have decided to go with sniffing salts, aka “cocaine."
  3. Have the street boy arrested for soliciting illegal drugs. Poor people should not break the law. 
  4. Next, you’ll need to find a Drugsmith, also known as a “dealer." Do not go with any of the dealers used by your urchin boy, however, as he is a felon and therefore untrustworthy.
  5. In order to secure a proper Drugsmith, you must first officially announce your intention to buy drugs. Do this by throwing a large gala at your home, country club or polo grounds.
  6. To command the attention of potential drug-sellers in attendance, clink your teaspoon against a brandy snifter exactly three times, curtsey, then say the words “I am interested in purchasing illegal drugs."  
  7. At this point, the drugsmiths will line up by height, and each will be given five minutes to pitch his wares. Each drugsmith will try his best to woo you with fleeting glances, weekend trips to the country, and whispered promises of “the good shit," but only you can decide which peddler is right for you. 
  8. Once you’ve selected your drugsmith, it is customary to introduce him to your parents. If they approve of his upbringing, where he attended grad school, and how many horses he owns, you may proceed with your drug deal.         
  9. Before receiving the drugs, you must now convince your drugsmith that you are not a “narc." A narc is an impish knave who seduces drugsmiths into thinking he is chill and down to smoke or do blow, but, in actuality, he is a policeman in disguise. If your drugsmith asks “Are you a cop?”, you should respond by reciting the following limerick:  

    “A cop is fop and I must decree / I am no more a cop than I am a tree! / for a tree’s made of wood and a cop just bacon / I am down as a clown, sir, and I ain’t fakin’!” 

    If that doesn’t work, just say “I am not a cop."
  10. Next, your drugsmith will ask you what denomination of drugs you would like to purchase. Illegal drugs are typically doled out in the following denominations: one lump, two lumps, a bushel, a peck, or a carriage-load. 
  11. Once you have purchased your desired amount of sniffing salts, smoking soils or shooting savories, you may bid farewell to your drugsmith with a gentle kiss on the forehead. 
  12. Now, immediately throw your newly-purchased bag of drugs into the nearest trashcan. Illegal drug-buying is done merely for sport In high society, and it is seen as uncouth to ingest one’s own score. If one still wishes to get fucked up, he simply eats a bunch of prescription pills, like a gentleman.  



A Gentleman’s Guide To Sleeping With Another Gentleman’s Wife


When sleeping with your wife, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when sleeping with the wife
of a fellow gentleman. 


  1. By keeping your eyes open at social functions and reputable soirees, locate the married woman you most desire to sleep with in a secretive manner. 
  2. Introduce yourself to the woman and let it be known through heavy flirtation, arm touching, and eyebrow raising that you are interested in the ultimate transgression.
  3. Send the woman a formal request to engage in an affair via handwritten letter, candy gram, or tasteful dick pic. 
  4. Have your secretary inform the woman’s gentleman-husband that you are sleeping with his wife and request that he not be present for the intercourse.
  5. If he inquires about the availability of your own wife, let him know if she is currently seeing any other gentlemen, and if she has an adequate schedule to participate in an affair of her own.
  6. Meet the woman and her servant at a prearranged location, often a hotel. 
  7. Have your servants undress you in front of each other, placing your clothes neatly on the hotel bed. Take a moment to stare at each other’s naked bodies, taking in the sight of the forbidden flesh. 
  8. Consume an alcoholic beverage, so as to either lessen or heighten any remaining feelings of guilt. 
  9. Using an abrasive pumice stone, have your servants vigorously scrub you and the woman’s skin, ensuring any and all lingering skin flakes of married partners has been removed. 
  10. Inform servants they may retire to the hotel bathroom until you have completed your act of indiscretion. 
  11. Stand atop the bed. Hold each other’s hands and say, “We shall now engage in a sexual act of indecency. May our bodies be free and our hearts intoxicated in the spirit of betrayal.” 
  12. Screw like vodka-addled rabbits. 
  13. Smoke a cigarette. Call your wife and ask her if she needs anything from the grocery store. She will understand this to mean you have just ejaculated into the vagina of another woman, and she should not expect sexual intercourse for the next ten hours. 
  14. Instruct your servant to call the front desk and have the maids informed that sexual fluids have been released upon the mattress. 
  15. If you wish to continue the affair, have your secretary let the woman know in a detailed sexual message, highlighting future acts you would enjoy completing with her as well as emphasizing how much you enjoyed her company. 
  16. Return to work and remind your servant that if he or she says anything they are fired and you will ruin them.  



How to Pleasure Yourself Like a Gentleman


When making love to a woman, it is important to behave like a gentleman. The same rules apply when making love to yourself.



Take it Slow

A gentleman mustn’t rush right into sex with himself, as this would be brutish and uncouth. A gentleman must first woo his penis.


Display Common Courtesy

Politeness is key. A gentleman always tips his hat before lowering his pants. 


Avoid Discussing Politics or Religion

Your penis may be standing erect, but you don’t know where it stands on the issues, so keep the conversation light.


Be Attentive

Ask your penis, “How was your day?” If it responds, “Hard,” be sure to laugh, as your penis has just made a funny joke.


Call Your Father and Ask for His Blessing

A gentleman always asks his penis’s father’s permission before pleasuring himself. This should be easy since your penis’s father is also your father, so you probably have his number. 


Use a Gentle Touch

A gentleman is never rough with his penis. A gentleman is firm yet tender, and always puts his penis’s needs before his own. Never bend or break your penis.


Display Old-Fashioned Chivalry

When pleasuring yourself on a sidewalk or by the side of the road, be sure your penis is furthest away from traffic. This makes the penis feel protected, and reduces your risk of being hassled by the 5-0. 


Never Let Another Man Touch Your Penis

Your penis belongs to you and you alone. If another man tries to seduce your penis, you must defend its honor. If it comes to fisticuffs, be sure to tuck your penis between your legs where it will be safe.  


Never Let a Woman Touch Your Penis

A gentleman finds women confusing and scary, and therefore, highly uncouth. If a woman attempts to besmirch your penis’s good name by placing her hands on it, scream, “No!” and run away as fast as you can (being careful not to alert the 5-0, because of your priors). 


Never Let a Cop Near Your Penis

A gentleman will often find himself nude on the side of the road being tased by the pigs for resisting arrest. In this situation, a gentleman must never allow himself to be tased directly on the penis or ballsac. Not only is it highly improper, it hurts real bad. A gentleman should instead raise his nude buttocks skyward, so that they absorb the brunt of the tasing, and cry until the pigs feel sorry for him.


Your Penis Is Too Pretty for Jail

It is imperative that a gentleman do all he can to keep his beautiful penis out of prison (a very uncouth place indeed), even if it means slicin’ up some Bacon, if you catch this gentleman’s drift. Oink, OINK, motherfuckers.


Always Be Polite While on the Run in Mexico

After knifing those piggies and makin’ ’em squeal real good, a gentleman will want to hot-wire their squad car and make a speedy getaway. Opening the door for his penis first, a gentleman should gun it, blowing all red lights, until he reaches sweet freedom in Mexico. Upon beginning your new life as a gringo fugitive, you’ll want to start pleasuring yourself again right away. It is important to remember that adapting to a new language in a foreign land is no excuse for behaving like anything less than a gentleman. When screaming in Español at the local boy you pay to keep an eye out for the Donut Patrol while you pleasure yourself on a Mexican back road, be sure to mind your manners:

Incorrect:  “¡Oye chico, gritar si ves a la policía!”  (“Hey kid, holler if you see the 5-0!”)

Correct: “¡Oye chico, por favor, gritar si ves a la policía. Gracias!”  (“Hey kid, please holler if you see the 5-0. Thank you!”) 


Make an Honest Penis of Your Penis

By now, you and your penis have been through a great deal together, and it’s time to make things official. That’s right, it’s time for you and your penis to be married. Keeping an eye out for roving members of La Nuestra Familia, a prominent gang at the Mexican prison where you are currently incarcerated, get down on one knee, take your penis in hand, look directly into its eye, and ask it, “Will you marry me?”. If your penis says, “I will,” you may then go to the warden with the good news and begin making arrangements for your gala prison wedding. If your penis says nothing, however, the answer, sadly, is no. A gentleman must respect his penis’s wishes, whatever they may be. 


So there you have it! Follow these steps and before you know it, you too can be crouched on the floor of a Mexican prison cell, proposing to your own penis like a true gentleman.




A Gentleman’s Guide To Murdering Another Gentleman


When inviting another gentleman to your country club, it is imperative
to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when
inviting him to meet his maker. 

  1. Have your secretaries set up a round of golf at your country club, and politely inform the gentleman of his impending murder. 
  2. Let the country club know of your plans to murder a guest, and request that the standard, brand-name burying tools be reserved for your use. 
  3. Meet the gentleman at the practice green. Shake hands and let him know your decision to murder him was difficult and unfortunate.
  4. On the 4th hole, casually inform the man that he shall be murdered on the back nine in case he has any business transactions to complete or family to notify.
  5. On the back nine, keep an eye out for a quiet, pleasant area to kill the gentleman. Avoid sand bunkers so as not to get sand all over the grass and create more work for club staff.  
  6. Having settled on an appropriate location, find a treed area to change into your killing clothes. Allow the victim to change into his victim clothes that you have provided. 
  7. Allow golfers behind you to play through. 
  8. Cover the grass in a sheet or tarp so as to avoid grass stains. 
  9. You are now ready to murder. Approach the man, bow, and say, “May you either dance in the fields of Heaven or find comforting warmth in the fires of Hell."  
  10. If there are any golfers behind you, allow them to play through.  
  11. With the coast clear, or at least manageable, grab your victim's neck, with the pinkies thrust outward. Squeeze. Squeeze until you feel the rush of love and anger and confusion and fear drain out of him, and his body is nothing more than an finely-dressed, empty vessel.  
  12. Light a cigarette. Take a long, deep drag. Stare at the gentleman’s lifeless face. Take out your phone, make the call, and say, "It's done." 
  13. Extinguish the cigarette and dispose of it into a nearby receptacle. Wrap the body in the blanket that was on the ground. Take out the burying tools from your cart.  
  14. Allow any waiting members to play through.  
  15. Having ensured the burying spot is not in the fairway or green, dig a hole, taking breaks every ten minutes to reduce the presence of sweat. 
  16. Pull the body into the hole. So as to alleviate the smell of decomposition, drizzle a solution of herbs and scented oils onto carcass. 
  17. Fill hole with dirt and replace divot.  
  18. Change back into club-appropriate attire and finish your round of golf. Remember not to let the possible stress of killing another human being affect your handicap.