A Gentleman’s Guide To Murdering Another Gentleman


When inviting another gentleman to your country club, it is imperative
to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when
inviting him to meet his maker. 

  1. Have your secretaries set up a round of golf at your country club, and politely inform the gentleman of his impending murder. 
  2. Let the country club know of your plans to murder a guest, and request that the standard, brand-name burying tools be reserved for your use. 
  3. Meet the gentleman at the practice green. Shake hands and let him know your decision to murder him was difficult and unfortunate.
  4. On the 4th hole, casually inform the man that he shall be murdered on the back nine in case he has any business transactions to complete or family to notify.
  5. On the back nine, keep an eye out for a quiet, pleasant area to kill the gentleman. Avoid sand bunkers so as not to get sand all over the grass and create more work for club staff.  
  6. Having settled on an appropriate location, find a treed area to change into your killing clothes. Allow the victim to change into his victim clothes that you have provided. 
  7. Allow golfers behind you to play through. 
  8. Cover the grass in a sheet or tarp so as to avoid grass stains. 
  9. You are now ready to murder. Approach the man, bow, and say, “May you either dance in the fields of Heaven or find comforting warmth in the fires of Hell."  
  10. If there are any golfers behind you, allow them to play through.  
  11. With the coast clear, or at least manageable, grab your victim's neck, with the pinkies thrust outward. Squeeze. Squeeze until you feel the rush of love and anger and confusion and fear drain out of him, and his body is nothing more than an finely-dressed, empty vessel.  
  12. Light a cigarette. Take a long, deep drag. Stare at the gentleman’s lifeless face. Take out your phone, make the call, and say, "It's done." 
  13. Extinguish the cigarette and dispose of it into a nearby receptacle. Wrap the body in the blanket that was on the ground. Take out the burying tools from your cart.  
  14. Allow any waiting members to play through.  
  15. Having ensured the burying spot is not in the fairway or green, dig a hole, taking breaks every ten minutes to reduce the presence of sweat. 
  16. Pull the body into the hole. So as to alleviate the smell of decomposition, drizzle a solution of herbs and scented oils onto carcass. 
  17. Fill hole with dirt and replace divot.  
  18. Change back into club-appropriate attire and finish your round of golf. Remember not to let the possible stress of killing another human being affect your handicap.