Kumail rates movies based on how educational he found them.
Five life lessons
1. If you see an unnatural crater in the middle of a forest with a weird sound emanating from it, DEFINITELY go down it. Your life is about to get awesome.
2. ...unless you are with the weird creepy loner kid whose dad hits him every day (heretofore referred to as WCLKWDHHED). Do NOT let that kid get superpowers.
1. What is your dad’s favorite food?
Acceptable answers: quiches, scones, finger sandwiches.
Unacceptable answers: alcohol, my tears, my blood on his fists.
2. When did your dad last hug you?
Acceptable answers: When I hit the winning homerun/threw the winning pass/dunked the winning dunk.
Unacceptable answers: Is face-punching a kind of hug?
3. Use your magic powers to get laid.
4. Watch out for planes while playing sky football.
5. Don’t piss off the WCLKWDHHED.
Ghost Rider 2
Two life lessons
- When being chased by a guy whose face is a skull that is completely on fire, pumping bullets into it for 90 minutes straight is not the way to defeat him. You might as well be pelting him with paper planes, ice cream sandwiches and unsold Blu-Rays of Ghost Rider 1.
- Never tell Nicholas Cage to “really go for it this time.”
The Woman in Black
Four life lessons
- You know that house that everyone in the village says is haunted? It probably is. Especially if it has a DIY graveyard attached to it.
- Do not spend a night in the obviously haunted house that has no phones and is on an island that is connected by a windy, submerged road to the village where all the kids kill themselves.
- Do not vacation with your son in the village where all the kids kill themselves.
- I will never be able to see Daniel Radcliffe as anything but Harry Potter. For instance, in this movie he is basically Harry Potter except that he makes the “Voldemort is nearby because my scar hurts” face the entire movie and his Patronus is sadness.
Two life lessons
- It’s hard to make Channing Tatum look like a hipster, no matter how many flannel shirts and fedoras you put him in. He looks like a cat trying to backwards-crawl out of the cat sweater you made.
- Don’t watch The Vow.
This article was originally published March 2012