Hello honest deaf,
My name is Rose Williams i work for the uk deaf government..in manchester, i will really love to pass this information to you. Which i know i am convinced that you are really willing to take good care of 3 years old kids both boys . Their mother and father came from unknown area and they live in uk..in 3 months ago their parents die and they left the some of 3,million pounds with the Uk deaf Finance Department, which is Equivalent to $6,000,000.00. The 2 deafs kids are been admitted in the hospital were doctor Benedict is taking good care of them because they were included in the accident that happen few months back, to God be the glory that they were not dead like their parents.we shall love a good honest deaf or woman who can acept the2 kids and take good care of them and after 2 months the uk government will always come to check after them..and such that person will be given the 3million pounds to take good care of the kids.Please write me back if you are intrested so that we can proceed towards securing you all the documents.
I am definitely interested in adopting a couple of deaf orphans from "unknown area" endowed with an incredible fortune, but I do have some questions before becoming their legal father that I hope you can answer:
I didn't know deaf people had their own government! It's like the hidden wizarding world in the Harry Potter series: operating unseen behind magical veils (or should I say "unheard," LOL, I love to have fun). Have you read the Harry Potter books? I thought the first two were very stupid and just for children, but the third book started to pick up and the fourth and fifth books were pretty dark and cool, but then the sixth and seventh books were boring and predictable, I thought, and like, we're supposed to believe that there's this entire planet of wizards but only six of them ever do anything of actual value? And three of those are teenagers? That's just not a very boldly imagined alternate universe if you ask me. Rose? Any thoughts on Harry Potter?
Also, I'm actually very curious how you got my email address. Don't get me wrong: I definitely am the first person I would think of to adopt two strange, deaf children with a multi-million dollar inheritance and no familial connection from a foreign country. I'm your guy! But how did you find me? Was it my post on Yahoo! Answers asking whether or not the correct idiom was "tickle the ivories" or "tinkle the ivories"? (Answer: tickle, although as far as I'm concerned both make sense.) This is just the type of intellectually engaging home of curiosity and learning that I would offer to Eddie Brock and LaTron. (I have already named the orphans Eddie Brock and LaTron. I'm sorry if this is presumptuous or pre-emptive, but I feel a deep connection to these poor, rich cripples. I love them so much already I want to love them right now! Give 'em!) Or perhaps you found me through my Craigslist add for a "lovingly used" jiu jitsu gi? In the end I suppose it doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is that Eddie Brock and LaTron come to believe that I am their true father and that their dead parents are just a poorly remembered nightmare. A figment of their imagination that daddy will help them to forget once and for all. But if you do remember on which submission grappling listserve or in which Game of Thrones internet forum you got my information, I'd still be curious to know.
Finally, your initial letter implies that you think that I am also deaf. I totally am, no, for sure. But, in the case that it turned out my hearing had miraculously returned at some point, I wouldn't be asked to give back the children or any of their fortune that I may have invested in their and our family's future, right? Asking for a friend.
Other than these questions, I'm ready to go. Please send me the documents right away. I am so excited about this whole thing.
P.S. I have attached an mp3 of myself singing a lullabye. Could you please play this for Eddie Brock and LaTron each night as they fall asleep so that they will come to know and love the sound of my voice? Thanks in advance.
Your E-mail was well received and was approved by the United Kingdom Deaf Organization. Every documents that will back you will be procured by Dr Bruse Wilson from the legal department of this office.
Note before we move further you will have to fill in the form below:
GET BACK TO ME WITH THE REQUIREMENTS:
And a photo of you ………………………………
As soon as we hear from you the lawyer will proceed towards providing you letter thet will help you take the kids and the fund.
N/B: The name of the two kids are (Wilson and Daniel) Attached is a picture of them.
Wow, those are some cute deaf kids. I'll be honest, I thought they were going to be black. Don't get me wrong, I still want to adopt them. If anything, I want to adopt them MORE now that I know they're white. (But I totally would have taken them even if they were black like I originally thought, and it's not just because of their incredible fortune, Rose. Please know that.) Maybe I shouldn't have told you that I thought the boys were going to be black, but I'm just being as honest with you as possible, because that's the kind of relationship I want to have with my sons. No secrets! No shoes!
I would also like to say how honored and flattered I am that the United Kingdom Deaf Organization has so much faith in my abilities to care for and love these innocent children that the only information you need is my name, address, phone number, gender, and a photo. As you can probably imagine, things are quite a bit more strict here in the United States when it comes to the well-being of young children, no matter how obvious it may be that you could totally take super good care of them. Thanks a lot, OBAMA!
Here is the information you requested:
Addrress Times Square, New York City, NY 10000000
Gender… Yes please! …………………………………….
And a photo of you ………………………………
As you can see, I live in a great location for having children (Toys R Us right nearby and the M&M Store for all our groceries) and believe strongly in the importance of physical fitness.
Here's a question from my end of things: what kind of name is Bruse? It's beautiful!
Now, I recognize that it may still be a bit too early to be making requests like this because I don't want to ruffle any feathers and I for one won't feel comfortable about this whole thing until the kids are here in my strong, hairy but not too hairy I don't think, loving arms, but I noticed that you referred to the boys as "Wilson" and "Daniel." As I mentioned in my previous letter, I have already come to think of my boys as "Eddie Brock" and "LaTron." Do you have children, Rose? If you're a parent like I am now, then you know how painful it can be to imagine your children suffering whatsoever, and I would just hate for my sons to become confused or overwhelmed in any way. I really think it's best if we all start referring to them as "Eddie Brock" and "LaTron" from now on, so as to ease them into their new life as soon as possible.
(Out of curiosity: how come your initial email was sent from an Italian email address and your current email is from an English account? I'm sorry to be so nosy, I just love to hear about people's lives. I'm sure you have some great stories you could tell!)
P.S. I remembered after my last email that sending a lullabye was probably pointless because the kids are deaf. Haha. Whoops! I'm sure this is just the first of many mistakes I will make as a new father, but I promise you that I will keep the boys alive and never, ever leave them on the roof of my car. In the place of the lullabye, please pass along this loving video that I have made for the boys.
videoanimation1.mov NOTE TO ABBY/NATE/DAN TO PUT IN THE VIDEO FILE RIGHT HERE.
I got your E-mail and the info also. I will like to let you know that
after receiving your first response i held a meeting with the UK adopt
child online community, and have concluded in given you the baby and the
fund which the late parent of the baby left before their death.
To proceed further, you will have to contact Dr. Bruce Wilson the lawyer:
who will get you with an authorization letter that will back you to
contact the UK DEaf Organization to release the funds and the Baby to you
as the next caring parent of the two baby’s.
The contact of the lawyer:
Bruce Wilson Lawchambers
Dr. Bruce wilson
Send him an E-mail requesting for an Authorization letter that will help
you get the baby in 24 Hrs.
I will wait for your Update.
Date: Apr. 17, 2011 09:39 AM
Subject: Adopting Two Kids or Whatever
I was given your email by Rose and told to contact you about adopting my two beautiful children. Please don’t take offense, but is your first name Bruce, Bruse, or e1960ebi? Let me know!
I do need to express some concern. In Rose's last email, she referred to a "baby." I was under the impression that I was adopting two deaf, impossibly wealthy, shoeless white boys. Am I also being given a baby? So three children? This is fine. I was already preparing the home for a third child just in case. But please let me know that Eddie Brock and LaTron are safe and sound. Rose's sudden silence concerning their well-being and when they would be arriving on my doorstep has made me more than a little nervous, as I'm sure you can imagine. Are you a parent yourself, Dr. Wilson? If so, then you know exactly what I'm going through: it's torture. If you are not a parent, ask Rose. She will tell you. It's torture, like I said. The only thing worse than a father having to bury his children is a father who has to bury his children before he even gets to meet them in person.
While we're on the subject of Rose, I am beginning to worry about her. She has never answered any of my questions, and while I appreciate the speed and formality with which she is trying to complete these adoption proceedings, we are all human beings, and human beings are social creatures. Surely with two and now three beautiful, deaf lives (I assume the baby is also deaf, please advise) hanging in the balance, we should all get to know each other and answer each other's questions and maybe even have dinner if you are ever in town. Let me know! I know a great Italian place around the corner that you and Rose will love. Get the pork braciola.
Question: does the baby have a separate, additional fortune? If so, how much?
Also: can you please confirm that all of the children are in good health (besides their chronic deafness) and have never been cursed by a high-ranking demonspawn on the Devil's advisory board, raised by Brazilian Nazis as Hitler clones, and/or been Freaky Friday body-swapped with an adult? I realize I should have asked this question earlier, and I apologize.
P.S. Please send a photo of the baby holding today's newspaper.
ATTN:I GOT YOUR E-MAIL AND THE FOWARDED INFORMATIONS OF YOU FROM THE UK DEAF OFFICIAL CUSTODY. I WILL PROCEED IN GETTING YOU WITH EVERY DOCUMENTS YOU NEED, AND THE AUTHORIZATION LETTER ALSO THAT WILL ENHANCE YOU TO REACH WITH THE UK DEAF ORGANIZATIONS, AS WELL AS THEIR FULL CONTACT DETAILS.
BELOW IS THE REQUIREMENTS FROM YOU BEFORE DOCUMENTS WILL BE ISSUED OUT TO YOU.
1. YOUR DRIVER’S LICENCE OR YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT NUMBER.
2. WE WILL LIKE TO KNOW WHEATHER YOU ARE CAPABLE OF TAKING CAR OF THE KIDS AND ARE YOU A HONEST MAN?
AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU I WILL GO AHEAD IMMEDIATELY IN SECURING YOU WITH EVERY DETAILS YOU NEED.
THANK YOU FOR GETTING BACK TO ME SO QUICKLY. IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW BEFORE ME, EDDIE BROCK, LATRON, AND BABY CHUPACABRA ARE UNITED AS A FAMILY. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE EACH OF THE BOYS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, IN HONOR OF THEIR GODFATHER: "BRUSE." (THAT'S YOU, BUDDY!) (DON'T TELL ROSE, LOL.) (QUICK QUESTION: WHY ARE WE YELLING?)
ONCE AGAIN I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU AND THE ENTIRE UK DEAF COMMUNITY FOR ENTRUSTING ME WITH THE SAFEGUARDING OF THESE THREE BROKEN CHILDREN BASED ON SO LITTLE INFORMATION. FOR ALL YOU KNOW, I COULD BE A CRAZY PERSON, OR SOME KIND OF INTERNATIONAL EMAIL SCAM ARTIST. PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT I AM NEITHER OF THESE THINGS. GREAT. GLAD WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY.
I BELIEVE YOU ALREADY HAVE MY ADDRESS AND THE REQUIRED PHOTOGRAPH OF ME. IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT DOCUMENTATION REQUIREMENTS, MY DRIVER'S LICENSE # IS 4815162342. AND IN RESPONSE TO YOUR SECOND QUERY, I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT OUR RECENT EXCHANGE OF EMAILS HAS PROVEN THAT I AM AN HONEST MAN. AS I MENTIONED EARLIER IN THIS MESSAGE, I AM NOT A CRAZY PERSON AND I AM NOT AN EMAIL SCAM ARTIST LIKE YOU MAY HAVE READ ABOUT IN ONE OF THE NEWSPAPERS. I AM A GOOD, HONEST MAN, AND A LOVING FATHER OF THREE. FOR THE RECORD, NO ONE HAS EVER CHOKED TO DEATH IN MY HOME, OR BEEN BURNED ALIVE IN A FIRE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. NOT ONCE! PLEASE ALSO NOTE THAT THE CHILDREN'S FORTUNE WILL BE WELL MANAGED AS CONSTRUCTION IS ALMOST COMPLETE ON A STATE OF THE ART SCROOGE MCDUCK VAULT ON THE EDGE OF MY PROPERTY WHERE WE WILL KEEP ALL OF THEIR COINS AND SWIM IN THEM AND SPIT THEM OUT AND BE A FAMILY.
AS FOR BEING CAPABLE OF TAKING CAR OF THE KIDS, DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
AS YOU CAN SEE, I TAKE CAR OF KIDS ALL THE TIME.
HOPEFULLY YOU NOW HAVE ALL OF THE INFORMATION THAT YOU NEED, AND YOU CAN SEND THESE CHILDREN TO ME IMMEDIATELY. IT HAS BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE I FIRST HEARD OF THEIR EXISTENCE AND THEY STILL AREN'T HERE. YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S BECOMING A LITTLE RIDICULOUS.
P.S. I HAVE ATTACHED ANOTHER VIDEO FOR MY CHILDREN. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH THIS, IT IS FOR THEIR EYES ONLY, THANK YOU!
I GOT YOUR E-MAIL RESPONSE AGAIN. YOU ARE ADVISED TO GET BACK TO THIS OFFICE WITH ANY ID OF YOU THAT INDICATES YOUR PERSONALITY OR YOUR PERSONAL ID COPY PHOTO, I WILL PROCEED FROM HERE AS SOON AS YOU ARE ABLE TO GET BACK TO THIS OFFICE WITH OUR REQUESTS.
LET ME HEAR FROM.
It's so nice to finally be on such intimate terms. And appropriate.
If you'll excuse me, Bruce, I was under the impression that my last email provided you with everything that you needed and now I am being asked to further identify myself and vouch for my personality. I understand that we are talking about the transference of three children and millions of dollars between two continents without ever having met in person or even spoken on the phone, but it's like how many hoops am I going to have to jump through LOLOLOL you know? Obviously I want everyone to be on the same page about what a great dad I'm going to be, excuse me, what a great dad I already am, and I will continue to cooperate with your office as I have been cooperating for almost three days now. But could you let me know in your next email how many more steps you think there are going to be before me and the boys are sleeping head to foot to head to foot like the grandparents do in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Just give me your best guesstimate, thanks. I'm getting so tired! This bed is too big for just one boy!
As far as an ID card that demonstrates my personality, I believe this should suffice.
And if you need any further evidence as to my suitability as a parent, please consider the breathable athletic boxer-briefs that I am wearing right this second:
Uh, yeah. I know.
Send me the kids now, puh-leaze.
Any word on when the kids will be arriving in the U.S. for me to pick them up? Which airport? Thanks.
P.S. I also checked my bank account and it's got, like, no money in it. Will you be wiring the money over separately, or will it just be stapled to one of the boys's cheap sweatshirts?