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Make your choice below. We won't judge.
Illustrated By Jacob Greif
East River Dog Run
Saw you at the dog run yesterday morning. You were wearing a leather collar and running around in circles. I was wearing a gold collar and trying to have sex with you. At one point I managed to mount you and we sort of had sex for a couple of seconds. You shook me off, though, and ran away. I’m interested in getting to know you a little better. We obviously have chemistry and even though we just met once I really sensed a connection. I’ll be back at the dog run tomorrow morning. Hope to see you there.
I saw you out the window of my master’s car, during a traffic jam. We barked at each other for a while. I thought you made some interesting points. Would love to meet up sometime for a casual, low-key date. Maybe we could go to central park together and eat garbage off the ground. Open to anything.
75th Street and Park Avenue
Saw you yesterday afternoon, helping a blind human cross the street. You seem like someone with a gentle soul and a caring heart. Would love to mount you violently from behind and have aggressive sex with your body.
Astoria (alley behind Taco Bell)
Saw you by the dumpster, eating a pile of what appeared to be human vomit. You seemed like someone who doesn’t take himself too seriously. Not sure if you’re male or female, but either way I’d love to smell your genitals. Let me know if you’re intrigued.
83rd and Broadway
Saw you a few hours ago, tied to a parking meter outside Zabar’s. You had a large cone on your head and seemed frustrated. Life’s too short for drama. I think you’re cute. Let’s meet up sometime and forget about our worries for a while. :)
I am neutered, BTW, but no one ever complains…
Chelsea Dog Run
Spotted you at the Chelsea Dog run last night. You were wearing a red sweater and nothing else. We sniffed each other’s genitals for a while and I was about to have sex with you, when another dog came over and starting having sex with me, even though I am a male. By the time I escaped from him you were gone. It really felt like a lost opportunity. Would love to meet up sometime and continue where we left off.
I saw you recently in my master’s house, dangling over the side of a couch. You were a long, fleshy tube with a knee in the middle and a sneaker at the end. I tried to hump you, but you kicked me away. Listen: I know you’re a leg. And who knows if you’ll even read this. But for what it’s worth, I just wanted to say I think you’re beautiful.
Illustrations by Mollie Lief Abramson
This article was originally published March 2012