If College Admissions Were Like Job Listings


Undergraduate student, United States 

A leading private university in the American East Coast region is seeking an entry-level student to execute its four-year undergraduate academic program. Salaries range from negative $65,000 to negative $5,000 a year, depending on experience. 

Please send in a cover letter that includes the amount of money you're willing to pay to go to college, a second cover letter with your thoughts on which historical figure you would most like to meet, and a third cover letter that's the same one you send to every job.



  • Work in-office up to 15 hours per week; attendance not strictly mandatory. 0–80 hours a week of outside work required.
  • Assist other students in sexual activities, cultivating alcoholic dependencies, and yelling at athletic events.
  • Undergo frequent and continual performance evaluations, and diligently work on manipulating these performance evaluations.
  • If selected to the football or basketball program, perform professional-intensity athletic work for an additional 40–60 hours per week.
  • Develop and maintain high levels of bankruptcy-proof debt.
  • Work closely with professors to ensure that they have lots of free time and that you do not bother them.



  • 5+ years previous experience as an undergraduate student preferred.
  • Must be knowledgeable in all subjects taught at the University (English, History, Economics, Mathematics, Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Political Science, Political Economy, Theatre, Film Studies, Jazz Studies, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian, Italian, French, Neuroscience, Gender Theory, Psychology and Early Childhood Education, Medieval and Early Modern Studies, African and African Diaspora Studies, Greek, Biomedical Engineering, Anthropology, Latin, Latin-American Studies, Cell and Molecular Biology, Musical Composition, Musical Performance, Musical Theatre, Sociology, Legal Studies in Business, etc.)
  • SEO experience required.
  • Must be willing to relocate to Boston, or to commute daily.
  • Excellent record of ineffective but photogenic charity work. 
  • Ability to use social media constantly for everything. 


Qualified candidates will be asked to come in for an interview. Please bring contact information for three professional references, and a list of every place you have previously gone to school and how much money you paid to go to school there. 

Due to our volume of applications, only accepted candidates will be contacted. If you are accepted, we ask that you be willing to begin school within one week of being notified of your admission.