It seems like everyone has a cell phone nowadays. Everyone except grandmas. Grandmas never like to listen to their grandsons about what’s good for them. I once suggested that my grandmother get a crew cut and she called me an idiot.
Fashion Tips: How to make people lose respect for you if you're a man
Put on your tank top.
Name the famous TV mini-series:
This TV mini-series followed the plight of African Americans as they struggled to make it in America. Drama, violence, lashings; its power will never be forgotten. What's its name?
How They Pitched The Film Batman and Robin: A Short Play
Director: It'll be great. We'll get Arnold to play Mr. Freeze. Everybody loves Mr. Freeze.
Studio Head: ...Eh, I don't know.
Director: And the bat suit will have nipples on it.
Studio Head: I'm listening...
Who Am I?
I set a Major League record with 6 Grand Slams in one season
(HINT: I played for the Yankees)
What a Real Asshole Looks Like
This is Derrick. He vomits all over the place and is the worst.
Things to do to Subtly Intimidate Your Enemies
Hold eye contact longer than necessary. Mention your casual hangout with their spouse and then trail off. Let them gently brush your hair while you stare off into space and sigh disapprovingly.
Flubbed (verb): To botch or bungle. Ben Affleck flubbed his lines during the shoot
Snubbed (verb): Ignored or spur-ned disdainfully. Ben Affleck was snubbed for his work by the Oscars
Nubbed (verb): To have a person with a missing hand lightly massage your back with their stump. After a long day of being famous, Ben Affleck likes to have his one-handed assistant nub him as he reads the next day’s script. Ben Affleck’s staff is filled with nubbers and often requests dozens as part of his contract with film studios.
Strange But True
In ancient Rome, when the Coliseum did not have prisoners to throw to the lions, men were chosen based on the width of their buttholes. As everyone knows, a wide butthole displeases the Gods.
Facial Hair Trends
Steps for The Perfect Sunday
Google “John Travolta Fat”
Leave Safari window open
Exit Apple Store
Breaking the Ice
“Don’t worry, she’s putting herself through stripper college.”
The Best Years of Your Life
Lost quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald: “In high school, I was voted ‘Best Masturbator.’ In retrospect, I don’t know if they were acknowledging the quality or the speed of my work. Not that it mattered. I clearly had their respect.”
Starbucks Music Recommendation
Eddie Vedder: Stares at a Ukelele for 60 Minutes
Who Am I?
I’m a former rapper turned movie star. (HINT: I’ve been in movies about space)