And for music fans the world over that means it's time to gas up and hit the road for an awesome music festival! Some of the year's sickest fests have already come and gone, but there are plenty more on the way!
Big Blind Ben's BlueGrass Festival
Staples Parking Lot - Poolesville, Maryland
August 10-12 (3-day pass, $225 / VIP pass, $495)
This will be the fourth exciting year for the annual Big Blind Ben’s “Back to the Land Bluegrass & Old-Timey Festival.” Three days of music and fun! Enter a world completely removed from the hassles of modern-day living! Dance your way to all 24 stages, all the while soaking up hours upon hours of authentic down-homey music just like your grandmammy used to hoe-down to before she moved to Boston to die.
The Bareback Mountain Wrasslin’ Fellas, Jack and His Fleshy Beanstock (with Fly-Swattin’ Pooch, Rosco), the Toe-Cuttin’ Whittlers, the Rustic Racisms, the Jug Blowin’ Recycled-Bottle Blowers, Easy Pete & His Banjo-Strummin’ Mother-in-Law, the Yale University Whiffenpoofs (performing classic Negro spirituals), the Bearded Rich Gents from Brooklyn, Hickory Johnson’s Toe-Tappin’ Nose Pickers, and a Very Special Appearance by Klippy the Kountry Klown, 98 years old, and still making strange, spastic faces for spare change, although it’s no longer a job.
- World-Famous Professional Spitter “Railroad Ronny” attempts to break his own long-distance spittin’ record (the length of four First Aid tents)!!!
- Spastic Ol’ Style Yodeling Jams (Beginners to Advanced!)
- Nude Taffee Pullin’ with Sunbonnet Sue!!!
- Water Slidin’ with Big Bill & His Semi-Retarded Brethren!!!!
- Dyspeptic Jonni’s All-Day Jew’s Harp Jam!!! (Sorry, Advanced Only!)
- Big Blind Old Ben, Himself! As Played By a Recent Graduate of the Baltimore School of Performing Arts!!!
Food & Tickets:
Country cookin’ at its finest! Fried neck bones! Blackened Louisiana pelican and chitterlings! Hog maws and country-fried Steak-Umms! All-you-can-drink sweet tea served by the actor who played the One-Toothed Backwoods Anal Rapist in Deliverance, who will also be signing his new book, America’s Hidden Government (FreePressPublishing).
If you splurge for the VIP 3-Day pass, you will be provided with FREE access to the Exclusive Masters Club that features shade and special restroom facilities. You will also receive VIP Napkins (limited). Hey, y’all! C’mon back again this year! Y’hear?!
Beltway to Rt. 28. Take the service road leading to the Staples North-West parking lot (adjacent to the Rockville Hospice Center). Look for the middle-aged attendants dressed in old-timey overalls and floppy caps, and using Motorola Lightweight Headsets. Park next to the rented goats and styrofoam bales of hay.
About Blind Ben, our festival's mascot:
Big Blind Ben is a character that was created in 2009 by Kraft Foods to help promote its Wild Beans & Okra spice mix, and then licensed to the festival for a small fee and the responsibility to pay for all monetary settlements in which Kraft Foods is sued in any case related to racism or crimes against humanity. Never seen him? Big Blind Ben’s real easy to picture: think of Mr. Wendal from the 1990s rap group Arrested Development, but with a far sunnier outlook and with a penchant for handing out half-off coupons! He’s also the only product mascot with an unsightly harelip.
99.5 ZJAMz and Walmart present the “SUNSET ON THE VERIZON MIDNIGHT SUMMER JAM!
Gillette Stadium - Foxborough, Massachusetts
October 4-6 ($500, VIP pass, $750 [includes free on-site Wi-Fi, and $15 Applebee’s gift card])
ARE YOU READY TO JAM AND GRIND TO THE HOTTEST SMASH TUNES AND UNFORGETTABLE POP ANTHEMS?!
99.5 ZJAMz and Walmart© are packing three fun-filled stages with your favorite top-40 artists!
You won’t believe your eyes™ or your ears, at the LensCrafters© Stage:
BUCK 9, MC CHEETOS© & DJ ORANGE, MUCKA FLINTZ, KREWD, LADY LAD, SARONG, SEXKEN, KID NUGGETZ, and SSOAP.
Then step on over to the Payless© “Stomp Zone” and get down to some of the slickest acts to pump the urban beat:
MUNE CREW FEATURING H.H. SMOKEZ, THE HORNEE BOYZ, SUFFA ISTUHKATED, YUNG BABY BUNTING, CORDWOOD DIESEL & BITCH HEAD, GLORY HO, and SKRATCHEEZEY.
Finally, it’s our “New Axe Stage” sponsored by Axe Body Spray©, featuring some of the hottest up-and-coming artists EVER!!! TAKE A LOOK AT JUST A FEW:
A runner-up on America Has Things, this four-year-old rapper spits the hottest rhymes with the help of his hand puppet, Stinky Lion. These two are not afraid to tell it like it is, as evidenced in Shenanigan’s latest chart topper, “Old Lady I Smellin’ U Butt.” Go, Lil’ Shen Shen, Go!!!
A protégé of Katy Perry, Therese was discovered huddled in a Forever 21© changing room during one of Katy Perry’s after-hours closed-door shopping sprees at Cleveland’s SouthPark Mall. With perfect pitch, and a vocal range akin to a damaged roller coaster, Therese is fast on her way to pop stardom with such hits as “Gang Mouth” and “I’m In Your Kitten’s Stomach Now (Be Kind).”
Stratton Dees: After surviving a horrific chimp attack on the set of his hit show My Snow Globe Summer, Stratton endured a total of nineteen reconstructive surgeries and has nothing more to show for it than a face that resembles a rotting peach. The good news is that the damage to his vocal cords miraculously left him with the voice of an angel, and the horrible ordeal gave him lots of painful memories to draw on for lyrics! Thanks to a lightweight and very realistic-looking plastic facemask provided by Dow Chemical©, Stratton is able to perform without scaring too many of the pre-teens who flock to his concerts! Look for him to sing his hit single, “My Tongue Still Work, Bitch.”
- Record a virtual duet with a dead relative at the Sony© Holograndmatorium™!
- Buy a pair of Mario Batali Meal Crocs™ and gain entrance to the snack tent sponsored by Tim Hortons© and Long John Silver’s©!
- Free unlimited bathroom visits, thanks to Charmin© and the Neville Brothers™!
- Enter for a chance to win a day’s supply of meals from Carl’s Jr.©* (*a charge of $5 per entry will be applied)!
Type the code:
“Walmart95ZJAMzVerizonPHutSkechersFest@GiletteTimHorton” into your GARMIN© GPS, find your listed zip code, then enter: “CheetohsBataliCrocCarlsJrBurgerRDeliciousWeightWatchersGoodIdea” and follow the directions. If you do not own a GARMIN© GPS you will not be allowed entry to the festival.
The Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival
Unused portion of Rikers Island - New York, New York
September 1-3 ($250, or free for anyone wearing butterfly wings)
The Second Annual Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival is an inter-generational event built on love, energy, and a sacred pledge that all men over 40 not wear any inner or outer garments with the slightest hint of Day Glo.
More than SIX Earth-Shattering, Energy-Infused Staged Areas, all complete with separate state-of-the-art sound systems, each borrowed just for the weekend from the Promise Keepers Ministry in Dallas!
Groovy Anagalactic Beach
Lasers! Smoke machines! Slinky mimes! Liquid ice! Powdered clowns! Used sock-puppets! Colorful streamers! Non-sanctioned trapeze artists with zero health insurance! A group of gay men in Dr. Seuss hats feeding each other tapioca pudding with sustainable paper sporks!
Chill factor: Very.
The UpsideDown Freeqy Garden
Foamy fun! Glow sticks! Go-go dancers! One stoned man waving a Hannukah candle! Anything can happen at the UpsideDown Freeqy Garden, as evidenced by the Great Tent Fire of 2011!!!
Chill factor: Not much.
The Sunken Crystal Nocturnal Rainbow Emission
Join world-famous DJ "Infected Mushroom" as he spins his own unique brand of "Edgy Trance," all the while riding a mechanical bulldyke.
Chill factor: Zero.
Licorice Convergence II
Watch Miss Dubstep 2012 as she sucks on a nitrous oxide canister and goes “wee wee” in a box filled with sand shipped over from Ibiza! Observe an exhausted Crispian Mills of Kula Shaker and a bewildered Jay Kay from Jamiroquai swayin' side by side!
Chill factor: the Highest.
- Seminars on How to Make Your Own Organic Trade-Free Coffee Enemas!
- Midnight Bubble Orgy!
- Post-Orgy-Cleanup and Smoked-Fish Deli Spread!
- Observe Moby Beating a Man to Death for Attempting to Initiate a Country Line-Dance!
- Special Apps to Hone in on Disease-Free Genitalia!
2,3,4, B,Q, F or G trains to Riker’s Island front gate. Take prison jitney to concert site. Follow the miserable off-duty guards holding glow sticks and wearing neon wigs. Enter the Zone. Leave behind your inhibitions. Lock and load your libido. No bottles, no food, no job, no interest in what the rest of the world might call “acting normal and grown up.
The Freak-Your-$hit Horrorcore ClownDown (formerly the Soul Sounds by the Sea Shore Waterfront Doo-Wop Fest)
July 23rd-26th (BETA-ASS CHUMP Pass $75, NINJA DICK Pass $150)
After an incident in which four 80-year-old members of doo-wop group The Elegants broke their hips simultaneously during a choreographed spin to "Earth Angel," the long-running Soul Sounds By The Sea Shore festival pulled up stakes and disappeared In the Still of the Night! But this year, regional concert promoters Dickcheez Productions have stepped in to fill the void.
Featuring 398 hardcore “in yo’ face and out yo’ ass” clown-painted murder rappers not quite slick enough to make the cut for the officialInsane Clown Posse Gathering of the Juggalos, the four-day ClownDown promises to be some "twisted-dick bullshit," all against the backdrop of a classic New England port town!
Ever had the urge to "drop anchor" on one of Mystic's famous tall ships? You're in luck, ‘cuz that’s where they put the Port-A-Johns! Get high on kush bud and wander Olde Mistick Village (Est. 1654!), where you can visit Colonial Pewter Miniatures and touch a lot of little metal shit! Or you can just watch lonely, elderly women in 17th-century attire dip long candles that look a whole lot like donkey dicks! (You’ll see—they do!)
Confirmed acts include PROLAPZED REKTUM, THE HIGH-AS-FUCK DUCKSHIT TWINS, DOS WHISKEY DIX, DA TAINT MUNKZ, POOP SHY MANIAX, LI’L LYLE THE MIDGET WITH CROHN’S DISEASE, formerly racist South African "Zef" crew AFRIKAANUS, and RETARDED DOUGLAS.
And good news, Ninjas: the festival is scheduled entirely on weeknights to make attendance easier for the unemployed!
- Canine fuckfest featuring hundreds of the town's horniest dogs dropped into the same 15' by 15' playpen!
- A real-life Congolese war criminal gettin' smoked-up and talkin' CRAZY shit about his genocides!
- A caricature artist high on bath salts who can draw your picture all freaky, and who works free for boob flashes or sample packs of his preferred eczema cream!
- A morbidly obese man named Dillballs who swallows and regurgitates a hermit crab!
- Eight camp chairs to be shared amongst attendees in any way they see fit!
- And if all goes according to plan, the entire Mystic seaport will be made bright orange using 100,000 gallons of new Faygo brand Pineapple/Watermelon flavored Party Pop Pop!
Waterfront benches and the flatbeds of strangers’ pick-up trucks are first-come, first-served.
Attendees are advised to take the charter buses departing every 10 minutes from behind the public library downtown – the one with the good bathroom and the librarians who don’t hassle you if you use the free internet to watch your stroke flicks!
Kevin Alvir - Introduction & Final Page
Abel Macias - Big Blind Ben’s Bluegrass Festival
Nathaniel Soria - Sunset on the Verizon
Brad Jonas - The Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival
Harrison Freeman - Freak-Your-$hit Horrorcore Clowndown
This article was originally published July 2012