Hollywood Hot List

 

Who was the best at being famous this month?

 

 
   Ashton informs Lea Michele of the girth of his penis.

Ashton informs Lea Michele of the girth of his penis.

 

1. Aston Kutcher

Look who didn't get the message that coloring your face a different color is often seen as racist! Ashton makes headlines again for offensively portraying a Bollywood producer in a new campaign spot for Pop Chips. What does the character have to do with Pop Chips? Nothing! It was just a terrible idea for the sake of terrible ideas. That's the kind of decision making that will send him to the top!

 

   Kim and Kanye head off to a leather pants party.

Kim and Kanye head off to a leather pants party.

 

2. Kim and Kanye

Talk about a power couple. He's at the top of the rap game and she's at the top of the, well, whatever-- they're both very famous! And that, and that alone, is the only criteria needed for Hollywood love connections. Best of luck to these two on their meaningful relationship. 

 

   Chris looking shocked that he hasn't punched this man yet.   

Chris looking shocked that he hasn't punched this man yet. 

 

3. Chris Brown

When you think of Chris Brown, what comes to mind? Angry outbursts, yes. Violence towards women, yes. A new line of toys? No. But that is exactly what we have here. Chris Brown attempts to brainwash the youth of America into thinking he is a good guy by selling them toys. Will it work? Let's hope so. He can be the domestic abuse Santa Claus we've always wanted.

 

   Jessica storing up for the long winter.   

Jessica storing up for the long winter. 

 

4. Jessica Simpson

As everyone knows, the easiest way for celebrities to have children is to collect them from third-world countries. And that's why we were so impressed with Jessica, who did it the old fashioned way: getting pregnant and letting her third trimester last for 14 years, making sure everyone knew how ready she was to celebrate the gift of life. Congrats Jessica on giving birth to a fully grown adult.

 

   Mel's all smiles at the Holocaust museum.

Mel's all smiles at the Holocaust museum.

 

5. Mel Gibson

Looks who's topping the anti-Semitic charts with his hot new single! A new recording by the sugar-tit enthusiast details his updated thoughts on the chosen people. The best part? He laid down the track while working on his latest film - one intended to mend his relationship with the Jews. While we love his enthusiastic disregard for others - we always do - this is old news for Gibson and he'll need to throw in some domestic violence to rise up our ranks!

 

   Amanda signs autographs for fans she hasn't mowed down yet.

Amanda signs autographs for fans she hasn't mowed down yet.

 

6. Amanda Bynes

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, it's just as nice! Amanda didn't have enough fun with her DUI a mere few weeks ago, so she came back with a hit and run. Even better, she played dumb and wasn't even cited. Amanda is quickly gaining a reputation as a menace to the road and a star of the tabloids. You're doing it right!

 

   Brian out on the town with his wife, seen here wearing her water-resistant pants.

Brian out on the town with his wife, seen here wearing her water-resistant pants.

 

7. Brian McKnight

R&B sensation from your middle school years, Brian McKnight, has resurfaced in a big way. His new track is a how-to-use instructional song for your vaginas (sorry guys, no penis version yet). McKnight touched a nerve (or thousands of nerves i.e. the clitoris) at Funny or Die and shot his music video with us. (LINK) So...guess that's all there is to say about that!

 

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/cf82ab2ab2/how-your-p-ssy-works

 

   If there's anything Ted knows, it's subtlety. 

If there's anything Ted knows, it's subtlety. 

 

8. Ted Nugent

Our hats (made from endangered species that he likely slaughtered on stage) are off to Nugent this month. Nothing frees a washed-up celebrity from obscurity faster than hinting he'll kill the President. All celebs looking to make a comeback should keep this in mind. It's pretty much that, or Dancing With the Stars. We couldn't be more thrilled with Ted's choice!

 
 

This article was originally published May 2012