I Loathe LA


Episode 1

Read my Screenplay 

Directed by: Bob Odenkirk



I am growing to love LA, or at least the parts of it that have burritos for sale. But when the idea of a short film "about" life in LA was suggested I had to pay homage to the seething desperation that permeates the souls of every single resident, as well as capture the eternal sunshine and all the goddamn driving. Look and see.

Video Credits:

DV DeVincentis


John Ennis
Jim Turner
Dave Ferguson
Mike Mitchell
Chris VanArtsdalen
Jeff Dutton
Matt Kowalick


Writer & Director:
Bob Odenkirk


Exec Producer & Creator:
Janet Varney
Cole Stratton


Rachel Goldenberg


Adam Silver


Nick Wiger
William Maxell


Becca Scheuer


Steve Goodloe


Igor Tochilnikov


Ray Lee


Kyle Smith


Leigh Schwartz


Andrew Grissom


Matt Sweeney
Jacob Grodnik

Soundtrack to video provided by Yo La Tengo.

Purchase in iTunes


This article was originally published July 2012


The Best Deal in Town


This article was originally published August 2013

Questions with Chelsea Peretti


What's your deal?

Depends on the comedy club but I like to have hummus in the dressing room.


What's the best?

The new direction Brian McKnight's career is taking, in which he uses his legendary voice to sing about pussy. 


What's the worst?

All radio commercials, turtlenecks, and bad quality fish.


Who do you think would be excited to meet you?

Probably Ray J, Ryan Gosling, Mark Ruffalo, Eminem, Rob Pattinson, Sawyer from LOST, and Jason Momoa would be excited due to the legend of who I am that would precede me.


How is your relationship with minorities?



Tom Hanks?

His rapper son Chet Haze is my best friend.


Sure, but what do you really think of Tom Hanks?

Close friendship with his son.


What's your favorite 90’s r&b song? Details, please.

Too hard to choose - so many cherished memories. Let's just say, at random, "Pony" by Ginuwine.


Who would you like to be best friends with?

Outside of Chet Haze? Larry David and Phil Jackson. Also Beyonce, pending scheduling issues.


If you had to rank the coolest people, who would you purposely leave off the list to teach them a lesson?

Bill Clinton because he needs to be taught a lesson (and it would be taught via teacher/student roleplay).


This article was originally published May 2012


How to Beat Up Your Dad: A Tutorial


So you’ve decided to beat up your dad. Good, he deserves it. You are a grown man, why should he be telling you how to live your life? He shouldn’t, and the best way to let your father know this is by kicking the living shit out of him. Let’s begin.


ProTip: If your dad simply isn’t the “fighting type”, that makes it all the more easy to beat him up.  


Best Songs To Listen To While Beating Up Your Dad:

  •  “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin
  • “Father and Son” by Cat Stevens
  • “Du Hast” by Rammstein
  • That Filter song that goes “Heyyyy, Daaaaadd, what do you think about your son nooowwwww?!”
  • “My Father’s Eyes” by Eric Clapton

Reasons To Beat Up Your Dad:

  • Because he’s not the boss of you
  • To prove you are better than he is
  • General anger (at him or this cold world he helped bring you into)
  • Because you can
  • Shut up, I don’t have to tell you shit

Things To Say While Beating Up Your Dad:

  • “No, YOU get YOUR hair cut!”
  • “I am Captain Phillips! I run the ship!”

Originally published November 2013

The Occasional's Guide to Summer Music Festivals


Summer's Here!

And for music fans the world over that means it's time to gas up and hit the road for an awesome music festival! Some of the year's sickest fests have already come and gone, but there are plenty more on the way!



Big Blind Ben's BlueGrass Festival

Staples Parking Lot - Poolesville, Maryland 

August 10-12 (3-day pass, $225 / VIP pass, $495)


The Festival: 

This will be the fourth exciting year for the annual Big Blind Ben’s “Back to the Land Bluegrass & Old-Timey Festival.” Three days of music and fun! Enter a world completely removed from the hassles of modern-day living! Dance your way to all 24 stages, all the while soaking up hours upon hours of authentic down-homey music just like your grandmammy used to hoe-down to before she moved to Boston to die.


Thumb-fiddlin' acts:

The Bareback Mountain Wrasslin’ Fellas, Jack and His Fleshy Beanstock (with Fly-Swattin’ Pooch, Rosco), the Toe-Cuttin’ Whittlers, the Rustic Racisms, the Jug Blowin’ Recycled-Bottle Blowers, Easy Pete & His Banjo-Strummin’ Mother-in-Law, the Yale University Whiffenpoofs (performing classic Negro spirituals), the Bearded Rich Gents from Brooklyn, Hickory Johnson’s Toe-Tappin’ Nose Pickers, and a Very Special Appearance by Klippy the Kountry Klown, 98 years old, and still making strange, spastic faces for spare change, although it’s no longer a job.


Special Events:

  • World-Famous Professional Spitter “Railroad Ronny” attempts to break his own long-distance spittin’ record (the length of four First Aid tents)!!!
  • Spastic Ol’ Style Yodeling Jams (Beginners to Advanced!)
  • Nude Taffee Pullin’ with Sunbonnet Sue!!!
  • Water Slidin’ with Big Bill & His Semi-Retarded Brethren!!!!
  • Dyspeptic Jonni’s All-Day Jew’s Harp Jam!!! (Sorry, Advanced Only!)
  • Big Blind Old Ben, Himself! As Played By a Recent Graduate of the Baltimore School of Performing Arts!!!

Food & Tickets:

Country cookin’ at its finest! Fried neck bones! Blackened Louisiana pelican and chitterlings! Hog maws and country-fried Steak-Umms! All-you-can-drink sweet tea served by the actor who played the One-Toothed Backwoods Anal Rapist in Deliverance, who will also be signing his new book, America’s Hidden Government (FreePressPublishing).

If you splurge for the VIP 3-Day pass, you will be provided with FREE access to the Exclusive Masters Club that features shade and special restroom facilities. You will also receive VIP Napkins (limited). Hey, y’all! C’mon back again this year! Y’hear?!



Beltway to Rt. 28. Take the service road leading to the Staples North-West parking lot (adjacent to the Rockville Hospice Center). Look for the middle-aged attendants dressed in old-timey overalls and floppy caps, and using Motorola Lightweight Headsets. Park next to the rented goats and styrofoam bales of hay.


About Blind Ben, our festival's mascot:

Big Blind Ben is a character that was created in 2009 by Kraft Foods to help promote its Wild Beans & Okra spice mix, and then licensed to the festival for a small fee and the responsibility to pay for all monetary settlements in which Kraft Foods is sued in any case related to racism or crimes against humanity. Never seen him? Big Blind Ben’s real easy to picture: think of Mr. Wendal from the 1990s rap group Arrested Development, but with a far sunnier outlook and with a penchant for handing out half-off coupons! He’s also the only product mascot with an unsightly harelip.



Gillette Stadium - Foxborough, Massachusetts

October 4-6 ($500, VIP pass, $750 [includes free on-site Wi-Fi, and $15 Applebee’s gift card]) 



99.5 ZJAMz and Walmart© are packing three fun-filled stages with your favorite top-40 artists! 


You won’t believe your eyes™ or your ears, at the LensCrafters© Stage: 



Then step on over to the Payless© “Stomp Zone” and get down to some of the slickest acts to pump the urban beat: 



Finally, it’s our “New Axe Stage” sponsored by Axe Body Spray©, featuring some of the hottest up-and-coming artists EVER!!! TAKE A LOOK AT JUST A FEW: 


Lil' Shenanigans:

A runner-up on America Has Things, this four-year-old rapper spits the hottest rhymes with the help of his hand puppet, Stinky Lion. These two are not afraid to tell it like it is, as evidenced in Shenanigan’s latest chart topper, “Old Lady I Smellin’ U Butt.” Go, Lil’ Shen Shen, Go!!!



A protégé of Katy Perry, Therese was discovered huddled in a Forever 21© changing room during one of Katy Perry’s after-hours closed-door shopping sprees at Cleveland’s SouthPark Mall. With perfect pitch, and a vocal range akin to a damaged roller coaster, Therese is fast on her way to pop stardom with such hits as “Gang Mouth” and “I’m In Your Kitten’s Stomach Now (Be Kind).”


Stratton Dees: After surviving a horrific chimp attack on the set of his hit show My Snow Globe Summer, Stratton endured a total of nineteen reconstructive surgeries and has nothing more to show for it than a face that resembles a rotting peach. The good news is that the damage to his vocal cords miraculously left him with the voice of an angel, and the horrible ordeal gave him lots of painful memories to draw on for lyrics! Thanks to a lightweight and very realistic-looking plastic facemask provided by Dow Chemical©, Stratton is able to perform without scaring too many of the pre-teens who flock to his concerts! Look for him to sing his hit single, “My Tongue Still Work, Bitch.”    

Special Events: 

  • Record a virtual duet with a dead relative at the Sony© Holograndmatorium™!
  • Buy a pair of Mario Batali Meal Crocs™ and gain entrance to the snack tent sponsored by Tim Hortons© and Long John Silver’s©!
  • Free unlimited bathroom visits, thanks to Charmin© and the Neville Brothers™!
  • Enter for a chance to win a day’s supply of meals from Carl’s Jr.©* (*a charge of $5 per entry will be applied)!

Type the code:

“Walmart95ZJAMzVerizonPHutSkechersFest@GiletteTimHorton” into your GARMIN© GPS, find your listed zip code, then enter: “CheetohsBataliCrocCarlsJrBurgerRDeliciousWeightWatchersGoodIdea” and follow the directions. If you do not own a GARMIN© GPS you will not be allowed entry to the festival.


The Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival

Unused portion of Rikers Island - New York, New York

September 1-3 ($250, or free for anyone wearing butterfly wings)


The Second Annual Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival is an inter-generational event built on love, energy, and a sacred pledge that all men over 40 not wear any inner or outer garments with the slightest hint of Day Glo.
More than SIX Earth-Shattering, Energy-Infused Staged Areas, all complete with separate state-of-the-art sound systems, each borrowed just for the weekend from the Promise Keepers Ministry in Dallas!


Groovy Anagalactic Beach 

Lasers! Smoke machines! Slinky mimes! Liquid ice! Powdered clowns! Used sock-puppets! Colorful streamers! Non-sanctioned trapeze artists with zero health insurance! A group of gay men in Dr. Seuss hats feeding each other tapioca pudding with sustainable paper sporks! 

Chill factor: Very.


The UpsideDown Freeqy Garden 

Foamy fun! Glow sticks! Go-go dancers! One stoned man waving a Hannukah candle! Anything can happen at the UpsideDown Freeqy Garden, as evidenced by the Great Tent Fire of 2011!!!
Chill factor: Not much.


The Sunken Crystal Nocturnal Rainbow Emission

Join world-famous DJ "Infected Mushroom" as he spins his own unique brand of "Edgy Trance," all the while riding a mechanical bulldyke. 

Chill factor: Zero. 

Licorice Convergence II 
Watch Miss Dubstep 2012 as she sucks on a nitrous oxide canister and goes “wee wee” in a box filled with sand shipped over from Ibiza! Observe an exhausted Crispian Mills of Kula Shaker and a bewildered Jay Kay from Jamiroquai swayin' side by side! 

Chill factor: the Highest.


Special Events: 

  • Seminars on How to Make Your Own Organic Trade-Free Coffee Enemas!
  • Midnight Bubble Orgy!
  • Post-Orgy-Cleanup and Smoked-Fish Deli Spread!
  • Observe Moby Beating a Man to Death for Attempting to Initiate a Country Line-Dance!
  • Special Apps to Hone in on Disease-Free Genitalia!


2,3,4, B,Q, F or G trains to Riker’s Island front gate. Take prison jitney to concert site. Follow the miserable off-duty guards holding glow sticks and wearing neon wigs. Enter the Zone. Leave behind your inhibitions. Lock and load your libido. No bottles, no food, no job, no interest in what the rest of the world might call “acting normal and grown up.


The Freak-Your-$hit Horrorcore ClownDown (formerly the Soul Sounds by the Sea Shore Waterfront Doo-Wop Fest)

Mystic, Connecticut

July 23rd-26th (BETA-ASS CHUMP Pass $75, NINJA DICK Pass $150)


After an incident in which four 80-year-old members of doo-wop group The Elegants broke their hips simultaneously during a choreographed spin to "Earth Angel," the long-running Soul Sounds By The Sea Shore festival pulled up stakes and disappeared In the Still of the Night! But this year, regional concert promoters Dickcheez Productions have stepped in to fill the void.
Featuring 398 hardcore “in yo’ face and out yo’ ass” clown-painted murder rappers not quite slick enough to make the cut for the officialInsane Clown Posse Gathering of the Juggalos, the four-day ClownDown promises to be some "twisted-dick bullshit," all against the backdrop of a classic New England port town!
Ever had the urge to "drop anchor" on one of Mystic's famous tall ships? You're in luck, ‘cuz that’s where they put the Port-A-Johns! Get high on kush bud and wander Olde Mistick Village (Est. 1654!), where you can visit Colonial Pewter Miniatures and touch a lot of little metal shit! Or you can just watch lonely, elderly women in 17th-century attire dip long candles that look a whole lot like donkey dicks! (You’ll see—they do!)
And good news, Ninjas: the festival is scheduled entirely on weeknights to make attendance easier for the unemployed!     


Special Events:

  • Canine fuckfest featuring hundreds of the town's horniest dogs dropped into the same 15' by 15' playpen!
  • A real-life Congolese war criminal gettin' smoked-up and talkin' CRAZY shit about his genocides!
  • A caricature artist high on bath salts who can draw your picture all freaky, and who works free for boob flashes or sample packs of his preferred eczema cream!
  • A morbidly obese man named Dillballs who swallows and regurgitates a hermit crab!
  • Eight camp chairs to be shared amongst attendees in any way they see fit!
  • And if all goes according to plan, the entire Mystic seaport will be made bright orange using 100,000 gallons of new Faygo brand Pineapple/Watermelon flavored Party Pop Pop!


Camping information:

Waterfront benches and the flatbeds of strangers’ pick-up trucks are first-come, first-served.



Attendees are advised to take the charter buses departing every 10 minutes from behind the public library downtown – the one with the good bathroom and the librarians who don’t hassle you if you use the free internet to watch your stroke flicks!


Art By:

Kevin Alvir - Introduction & Final Page

Abel Macias - Big Blind Ben’s Bluegrass Festival

Nathaniel Soria - Sunset on the Verizon

Brad Jonas - The Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival

Harrison Freeman - Freak-Your-$hit Horrorcore Clowndown


This article was originally published July 2012


Hollywood Hot List


Who was the best at being famous this month?


   Ashton informs Lea Michele of the girth of his penis.

Ashton informs Lea Michele of the girth of his penis.


1. Aston Kutcher

Look who didn't get the message that coloring your face a different color is often seen as racist! Ashton makes headlines again for offensively portraying a Bollywood producer in a new campaign spot for Pop Chips. What does the character have to do with Pop Chips? Nothing! It was just a terrible idea for the sake of terrible ideas. That's the kind of decision making that will send him to the top!


   Kim and Kanye head off to a leather pants party.

Kim and Kanye head off to a leather pants party.


2. Kim and Kanye

Talk about a power couple. He's at the top of the rap game and she's at the top of the, well, whatever-- they're both very famous! And that, and that alone, is the only criteria needed for Hollywood love connections. Best of luck to these two on their meaningful relationship. 


   Chris looking shocked that he hasn't punched this man yet.   

Chris looking shocked that he hasn't punched this man yet. 


3. Chris Brown

When you think of Chris Brown, what comes to mind? Angry outbursts, yes. Violence towards women, yes. A new line of toys? No. But that is exactly what we have here. Chris Brown attempts to brainwash the youth of America into thinking he is a good guy by selling them toys. Will it work? Let's hope so. He can be the domestic abuse Santa Claus we've always wanted.


   Jessica storing up for the long winter.   

Jessica storing up for the long winter. 


4. Jessica Simpson

As everyone knows, the easiest way for celebrities to have children is to collect them from third-world countries. And that's why we were so impressed with Jessica, who did it the old fashioned way: getting pregnant and letting her third trimester last for 14 years, making sure everyone knew how ready she was to celebrate the gift of life. Congrats Jessica on giving birth to a fully grown adult.


   Mel's all smiles at the Holocaust museum.

Mel's all smiles at the Holocaust museum.


5. Mel Gibson

Looks who's topping the anti-Semitic charts with his hot new single! A new recording by the sugar-tit enthusiast details his updated thoughts on the chosen people. The best part? He laid down the track while working on his latest film - one intended to mend his relationship with the Jews. While we love his enthusiastic disregard for others - we always do - this is old news for Gibson and he'll need to throw in some domestic violence to rise up our ranks!


   Amanda signs autographs for fans she hasn't mowed down yet.

Amanda signs autographs for fans she hasn't mowed down yet.


6. Amanda Bynes

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, it's just as nice! Amanda didn't have enough fun with her DUI a mere few weeks ago, so she came back with a hit and run. Even better, she played dumb and wasn't even cited. Amanda is quickly gaining a reputation as a menace to the road and a star of the tabloids. You're doing it right!


   Brian out on the town with his wife, seen here wearing her water-resistant pants.

Brian out on the town with his wife, seen here wearing her water-resistant pants.


7. Brian McKnight

R&B sensation from your middle school years, Brian McKnight, has resurfaced in a big way. His new track is a how-to-use instructional song for your vaginas (sorry guys, no penis version yet). McKnight touched a nerve (or thousands of nerves i.e. the clitoris) at Funny or Die and shot his music video with us. (LINK) So...guess that's all there is to say about that!




   If there's anything Ted knows, it's subtlety. 

If there's anything Ted knows, it's subtlety. 


8. Ted Nugent

Our hats (made from endangered species that he likely slaughtered on stage) are off to Nugent this month. Nothing frees a washed-up celebrity from obscurity faster than hinting he'll kill the President. All celebs looking to make a comeback should keep this in mind. It's pretty much that, or Dancing With the Stars. We couldn't be more thrilled with Ted's choice!


This article was originally published May 2012


Newt Gingrich's Campaign Journal



Money’s getting tight. Just finished a campaign meeting with Callista at Miami Subs. I had the “Nacho Ordinary” sub and she had the “Naked Wings” (we laughed about that for a good 20 minutes – I mean chickens already are naked – NOTE TO SELF – ADD “NAKED WINGS” TO “FUTURE STANDUP” FILE). 

photo 2 copy.JPG


I’m tired of the road. I think too much when I’m on the road. And in my office. I’m pretty much thinking of shit all the fucking time. I’m like the Lebarron James of thinking. Damn, that’s good. Need to save that for my next NAACP speech.


I found Callista under the floorboards again, rooting around for what she called “Earth protein.” She’s such a cutup.



Working on my concession speech. I thought I’d start with the story about how me and Reagan used to josh around in the West Wing. Even he knew I’d be President one day. He said, “Newt, what do you want to do?” And I said, “I’m going to be leader of the free world, colonize the moon, and invent a conservative breakfast cereal for patriots who love their country but can’t stand that fucking Marxist, Tony the Tiger.” We had fun.

And just when they think I’m bowing out–BAM–I hit them with the whammy: CO-PRESIDENT NEWT. Pretty boy Mitt can give the speeches and shake babies or whatever, but I’ll be the brain meat. The Cheney to his Bush. The Dakota Fanning to his Elle Fanning. I WILL RULE NARNIA (that’s my secret code name for America). God, I’m so hard right now.


Took a drive to clear my head. Callista was going to join me, but her tail was infected so she stayed home to nurse the hatchlings.


Officially suspended campaign today in a speech that will go down in history as a speech that occurred on this date.

I talked the shit out of all sorts of stuff like space and Islam and America and how awesome America is. I called Mitt afterwards so we can work out a deal. I don’t get to be Co-President, but I do get to be in charge of hookers at the convention in September.


Things are finally getting back to normal. I started working on another novel about America kicking ass and how Obama’s just like Chairman Mao for trying to raise the marginal tax rate 3%. Callista says she’s happy to finally have some privacy so she can focus on her inner strength and repairing the Plytox Plasma Energy Core that was damaged in the crash. 

Maybe I’ll take up bowling.


OK, so the convention got a little out of hand. Apparently, Mitt meant “bookers,” as in “booking speakers.” Not “hookers.” Boy, did I have egg on my face. And several hookers.

In my defense, who the hell wants to hear Ron Paul ranting about the Fed WITHOUT a stage full of tits? Also, I made sure that the ratio of white hookers to ethnic hookers was nearly even. WE HIT EVERY MAJOR HOOKER DEMOGRAPHIC. Best RNC ever.


Of course the typical lamestream leftist gay Muslim media is in attack mode with their typical unfunny headlines: “Newt Bling-Bitch,” and “Newt’s G-HO-P,” and even “Newt Arrested For Live Web Cam Sex With Hookers On Convention Floor.” It’s like, enough with the puns, media. Get a life!

Anyway, Callista is totally cool with it. We have this “deal.” But she’s been under the weather lately so I’m just going to go ahead and divorce her and marry Nyomi Banxx.


Guess who made bail, beeotch! But I do owe the RNC $3 million dollars. That’s a lot of scratch, so I think I’ll write another book about how Reagan and I used to jam on Zeppelin tunes together at Camp David and then go horseback riding with Margaret Thatcher and David Bowie. A lot of personal discovery that summer.


Tried meth today. Not bad.


Seriously, how do you lose to Obama? If the Presidency was a free piece of ass with a sign on it that said, “For Romney” he would pass it up because he’s a lame-o and also because he’s probably pretty faithful to his wife, who by the way, is a class act who I would totally bone.


Sold the last of Callista’s human masks to a collector in Nevada. 



I was going through some old scrapbooks and I found this article with one of my quotes: “A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about.” Damn, I was so high. Good times.


My 99 weeks of unemployment benefits are up? Since when did they run out after 99 weeks? Did the GOP push that limit through? Because that doesn’t seem right. It’s just so heartless. No, that couldn’t have been us. Fucking Obama.


Nyomi split.

It’s kind of a strange feeling having someone just up and leave you with no warning. I really think I’m beginning to understand what it’s like to harm someone that loved you, that trusted you, that---ah, I’m just fucking with you. That whore was nothing but a money pit. SHE MADE ME SO ANGRY. She was always, “I can’t have dinner tonight, I’ve a three-way in the morning,” or “I can’t have sex tonight, I’ve a three-way in the afternoon,” or “Can I borrow the car to have a three-way in.” UGGGGG. It’s like, I get so wound up I can feel a pain in my chest. It’s really hard to describe. Also, my left arm is numb.


On the mend! It’s been a crazy couple of months. Paying for this stint in my heart was trickier than I thought. I canceled my insurance after the Supreme Court threw out Obamacare – you can’t force me to buy something I don’t need, Nazis! And while I’m a little short on funds at the moment, at least the safety net of going to the emergency room and running up an enormous debt was still in place. Free market, people. Look it up.


Success! I got myself an excellent new education position in our local award-eligible high school. And while I’m not quite teaching, I can honestly say that I’m truly learning. The proud American workforce in this custodial maintenance department has treated me like one of their own. Well, I can only assume, because they don’t speak much English around me. But, in three more years, they say I can move up to brooms.

Sure, the urban blacks youths joke around with me, and call me “pumpkin head,” and “welfare case” and “douchebag who wanted to make us do your shitty job,” but it’s all in good fun. Even when they throw things at me. Because I’m the one who has to pick it up. That’s my job. I pick up after children who throw things at me. 



NEWT 2016!


This article was originally published May 2012


What's a People


HELLO. Since 2036, people have become scarce. Former rulers of the earth, The People once resided in the foolishly organized cities and towns, and wasted enormous amounts of earth’s natural construction space on trees and plants and water. You might think that since cities and plants and water are gone, people would be, too! They’re not. They can be difficult to identify, however. For robots assembled after 2029, it’s sometimes hard to tell what’s a people and what is dog or chair. With this in mind, Robot Government the Second has produced the following guide to what’s a people. Whether you are looking for people to be a friend, or hunting people for sport, or just interested in seeing people before they’re all gone (why aren’t they making more?), this guide is for you.

How can people be identified when no two look alike? Some have one eye, some have two. Some wear clothes; some are small and crush easily. They can have up to ten fingers (though very unlikely, as people are always losing fingers and hair). Perhaps the best way to determine what is a people is by the sound they make; a characteristic noise called a scream. 





Robots should be able to tell what’s a people with a basic visual scan. The following quiz will help you learn what’s a people!








You have finished the Robot’s Guide to What’s a People. Now that you know, you will never forget. Enjoy the people while they last! The next time you see one, take a moment to say HELLO. If red comes out of their ears, it means they heard you!


This article was originally published May 2012


Film School


Kumail Nanjiani rates movies based on how educational he found them.


The Five Year engagement

Two life lessons

  1. When you get into a relationship with someone, make sure it’s somebody who allows you to grow and accomplish the things you want to accomplish, and that you allow them the same. The strongest relationships are the ones that allow each individual to become the best they can be.
  2. Don’t leave a loaded crossbow in the kitchen.

The Hunger Games

Four life lessons

  1. Don’t run for the major weapons right in the beginning of the match. It’s a fucking bloodbath. 
  2. When in a contest to the death in a giant booby-trapped field controlled by the Capitol as a way to subjugate the districts, remember to hydrate. 
  3. Be really really great at bow and arrow.
  4. Purple hair & weird curvy beards are all the rage in the future. (I know it’s not the future. I know it’s a different planet. Don’t be a nerd. SEE: Bully.)


One life lessons

  1. Don’t be a nerd so you won’t get bullied. Didn’t watch it, but pretty sure that’s the message. 


The Avengers

Three life lessons

  1. Don’t get Bruce Banner angry. You won’t like him blah blah blah I’ll go fuck myself now.
  2. Bruce Banner always refers to The Hulk as “the other guy.” This is good strategy in real life. Someone cut in front of you in line at Starbucks? Just say “It’s fine with me, but (pointing creepily at your own head) the other guy really doesn’t like this.” They’ll move to the end of the line. 
  3. When fighting an intergalactic army of flying space serpents and skull zombies, you don’t need the bow & arrow guy on your team. It’s like trying to kill a bear with a tooth pick. Or like trying to defeat an intergalactic army of flying space serpents and skull zombies with a slightly big toothpick. Hawkeye’s specialty is a weapon that can fire one shot at a time, is cumbersome to reload, and is useless against armor of any sort. Also, you can only ever carry about 15 “bullets.” Maybe he should watch this one from home. The SHIELD guy should bring Hawkeye into his office. “Hey, you’re great, but we already have the guy who turns into a rage-monster, the genetically enhanced super soldier who defeated the Nazis, the billionaire in an indestructible mech suit, and a fucking demigod. Kinda don’t need a guy who (reading resume) is really great at bow & arrow. Maybe sit this one out? Or, actually, you would do really great over at Hunger Games. It’s two screens over.” Also, get Captain America a better weapon than a shield that is very easy to knock down.

This article was originally published May 2012


Politics 2012: Rick Santorum's Simple Steps to Making Love to Your Wife


Hey America! It's Rick Santorum, your next President. Not only do I know how to capture the hearts of conservatives, but I know how to capture the heart of my wife. How you ask? By making sure she's satisfied in all parts of her life, especially the bedroom. So if you want to please your best gal, just follow these easy steps on your special night. 


  1. Wait for her to finish whatever women do in the bathroom with the door locked for an hour and a half. 
  2. Ask why her mascara is smeared. Women love to be asked questions. 
  3. Put on your favorite scene from Deliverance to set the mood.
  4. Insist that she take a shower before any physical contact is made.
  5. After she showers and reapplies her makeup, tell her to lay flat on the bed and not move or look you directly in the eye. 
  6. Begin pumping until a baby is growing in her womb. 
  7. If you're having trouble reaching orgasm, tell your wife to leave the room and continue watching Deliverance. 
  8. Retire to your separate beds. 
  9. Wake up the next day and continue fighting for justice. 

This article was originally published March 2012


Hollywood Hot List

  Here's Chris with the one man who can't read the news.

Here's Chris with the one man who can't read the news.

1. Chris Brown

Look who's topping the list! Chris Brown stays consistently angry this month by aggressively tweeted profanity post-Grammy wins, securing not one, but two threats from MMA fighters, and stealing an iPhone from a fan trying to take his picture. When you're as rich and young as Brown, you do what you want. And he sure is. Keep ignoring the rules the rest of us have to follow! 


  MIA seen rebelling against authority/the chance to perform with her idol.

MIA seen rebelling against authority/the chance to perform with her idol.

2. MIA

Being a star means you have the power to reach millions of millions of people because you are a better person than them. During the Super Bowl, MIA articulated her feelings about being super rich and getting the chance of a lifetime by flipping off the camera! You just got burrrrned, loyal fans and supporters!

  Matt Lauer congratulates Sheen on not dying.

Matt Lauer congratulates Sheen on not dying.

3. Charlie Sheen

If there's one thing that drugs didn't destroy in Charlie Sheen's brain it's his bluntness. Earlier this month, Charlie declared his former TV show "Two and a Half Men" and its new star, Ashton Kutcher to both suck. While that may be true, Sheen had a change of heart and apologized on Twitter to Kutcher. Nothing is more sincere in celebrity land than a Twitter apology. 

  Kourtney and Kim step on some apple boxes to take a photo with their sister.

Kourtney and Kim step on some apple boxes to take a photo with their sister.

4. Khloe Kardashian

One of the perks of celebrity is sharing your sex life with the world. This month, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom tried out a sex swing on their reality show and broke it. What an adventurous couple and aren't we lucky they wanted to share their spicy bedroom tricks with us?! More sex talk, please!


  Demi lets her ex out for for a nigh of paying strippers for sex.

Demi lets her ex out for for a nigh of paying strippers for sex.

5. Demi Moore

A high-profile divorce and seeking professional help? Double-whammy! Yup, after Ashton split, the former Mrs. Kutcher landed herself in rehab. For being too fabulous, we hope! Get well soon, Demi! We've already sent photographers to greet you when you're ready to move on with your life!!!!!!


  Miley performs to a room full of children.

Miley performs to a room full of children.

6. Miley Cyrus

Miley knows that the key to longevity in this town is evolving as an artist and one of the best ways to do that is permanently inking poignant words of wisdom on your body. Miley's new tat says "Love never dies." It certainly doesn't. Nor will your shining light, Miley.


  Zac and noted film critic Gene Shalit attend The Lorax premiere.

Zac and noted film critic Gene Shalit attend The Lorax premiere.

7. Zac Efron

Yikes. While attending The Lorax premiere, Zac Efron dropped a condom on the red carpet. Embarrassing! Or was it? Our sources say Efron was using the children's movie as an opportunity to promote safe sex. While we applaud the efforts, it's going to take a sex tape that kids can see to bump him up the list. 


  Here's Kim doing charity work/giving an old man an erection.

Here's Kim doing charity work/giving an old man an erection.

8. Kim kardashian

She didn't do anything spectacular this month, but who cares? Go Kim!


This article was originally published March 2012


Celebrity Psychiatrist Blind Items


his B-list actress used to be A-list until a few bad career moves and a pesky little cocaine habit. She’s been clean for years but she and her hubby, everyone’s favorite hunk from that cheesy 90s cop show, had a deformed son. Now she’s spending three days a week in therapy sessions and is clearly flirting with me to get additional pain killers to help with the hardship. Thing of it is? It’s working.  So next time you see her making the rounds for her charity devoted to raising awareness of her son’s illness, she’s most likely high as a kite. 


This up and coming sitcom star needs a break. His last show was supposedly destined to be the next Friends but stalled at the gates. He was just the goofy best friend but he stole the show (for the hot minute it was on.) Now with that buzz he’s trying to rebrand himself as a leading man. Little does he know that from what he’s told me about his inability to connect with women, his father’s admitted homosexual dalliances, and his intermittent problems with impotence, this might be psychologically overwhelming and ultimately crush his ego if this new route doesn’t work out. The good news? I can always up his Lithium. 


This article was originally published March 2012




Christopher Walken killing with Walken impression.

Tom Hanks overheard counting his friends.

Guy from Dave seen picking up dry cleaning by himself.


This article was originally published March 2012


K&A: Harris Wittels


Julie Klausner chats with Harris Wittels, a standup comic, a TV writer, and the inventor of #humblebrag. He's also Julie Klausner's interview subject.


Julie Klausner: We've never met in real life. Is it weird that I've seen a photo of your penis?

Harris Wittels: It’d be weirder if you hadn’t seen a photo of my penis. There’s a ton of ‘em floating around out there.

JK: Pictures? Tee hee. Anyway, I must mention—I was so flattered that you read my book and you had the kindest thing to say about one of the smaller jokes in it. What prompted you to pick it up? I'm not fishing for a compliment (though if one falls in the boat, I wouldn't throw it back)—I'm just bemused you read it since you're not exactly the target audience? The target audience is ladies.

HW: I think growing up with an older sister made me a de facto lady at heart. I have seen every Sex and the City episode (was profoundly disappointed when Berger turned out to be a jerk). I had heard a lady friend of mine talk about how good the book was and I was in. It was a biography about someone loosely connected to me AND it was all about relationships?? Where do I sign!? … oh at the bottom of the receipt. Of course. Anyway, I completely enjoyed every dang word of it. So fun/sad/hilarious/real. I know you weren’t fishing, but you reeled in a marlin.

JK: Thank you, Harris Wittels. Now, enough about me—back to you! Were you a fan of Eastbound and Down before you began writing for it? What is that writers' room like?

HW: Eastbound was my all-time favorite show before I got to write on it for season 3. It was one of those shows that I hated as a writer because of how jealous I was and how it was everything I wanted to do. The writer’s room is every bit as fun as you’d think. It was Danny, Jody, a couple of other new writers and me. The first day I heard Danny pitch a joke for himself as Kenny Powers it blew my fucking mind. What was also great, was that nothing in the whole world was off limits to joke about in that writer’s room. (Was that lame? Like I’m trying to sound hardcore?)

JK: No, it's fine! So, Harris. You do a lot of different things—you're a standup, a TV writer, you act, you dance, you have a beautiful singing voice. Tell me: what did you do today? A "day in the life," if you will.

HW: My day to day life varies wildly depending on if I’m on a staff or not. When I am at Parks and Rec, I am up at 8am everyday and at work until about 9pm. However, during our three month hiatuses, I am a disgusting piece of garbage. I drank a ton last night, chased that with some vicodin, slept til one today and woke up only to fry some chicken. Though I did write for about two hours after that, so it wasn’t completely tragic.

JK: Mazel Tov! You play the part of "Harris" in the Sarah Silverman pilot. Did other actors audition for that role, even though it was (I assume) written for you? Do you think that must have been weird for them?

HW: This is impossible to not answer in Humblebrag form, but fuck it. I’m not sure if it was weird for the actors auditioning to play me, but it was definitely weird for me to audition to play me. I was getting notes on how to act more like myself, and the notes were correct is the weird part. I don’t know who I am evidently. Also, we did end up changing the name from Harris to Lloyd for the pilot, so that it at least sort of seems like I am actually acting.

JK: Do you have a favorite Humblebrag of all time? What makes it perfect?

HW: I’m not sure if I have an all-time favorite at this point. There have been thousands. I can say that my most recent favorite is this Steve Nash one: “1 of my fears is that my children's privileged life won't allow them to feel the same triumphs I've felt. And I wasn't poor. Hmmm.” A bit of a two-fer here. He asserts that not only is he privileged now, but that he grew up with money as well.

JK: Who do you hate following on Twitter but continue to follow, for guilt or out of obligation or for other reasons?

HW: Way too many political ramifications to mention. But, yeah, a ton. Everyone always talks about this “mute” function on Twitter, but I cant seem to find it. It’s like dry land in Waterworld.

JK: Is Facebook the worst? What about Instagram, what the fuck is that? Tumblr? Any thoughts?

HW: Facebook is great in terms of dating because you can see things you might not have discovered until date number 5. Like if their quote is by Jack Kerouac or the bible or something. Bullet dodged! Tumblr and Instagram feel like work to me. Count me out. 

I was a slightly rebellious type who didn’t think school mattered much. And I was right. And that is what I would tell a teenager today: school does not matter.


JK: Have you ever seen a ghost?

HW: Never seen a ghost, but I have accidentally sent an email before I was done writing it, which is equally as terrifying.


JK: Do you like Jewish girls?

HW: Very much so. I went to a Jewish sleepover camp for all of my prepubescent years, so most of my earliest sexual feelings were about summer camp Jewish girls. That shit sticks with you. That being said, I’m also into the girls of other religions (looking at you, Rastafarians).


JK: Are you going to continue writing for Parks & Recreation? What are some of the things you learned writing for that show? It was your first sitcom writing gig, is that correct? Or am I a fat dumb liar?

HW: I don’t think you are fat or dumb, but you are a liar.


JK: Thank you!!!!

HW: My first staff job was for The Sarah Silverman Program. So I learned so much at Sarah’s show, like how to write for TV. Then on Parks we were doing 22 episodes a season and learning under Greg Daniels and Mike Schur so that was like comedy writing school/boot camp. I learned so much about story and arcs and character development. Them dudes mad smart!


JK: What TV shows do you watch?

HW: I watch the obvious ones: your Mad Mens, your Game of Thrones, your Breaking Bads. Then I watch most reality stuffs. I’ll fuck with some Bachelor, House Wives (Jersey and Bev Hills predominately), Jersey Shore (not the new Pauly D spin-off. That shit is straight up boring). I just finished rewatching Six Feet Under for the second time. I’m not a huge sports guy, but I do love falling asleep to Sportscenter. It’s comforting.


JK: Was there a point during your comedic journey when you realized that you were more of a standup/writer than a "Character guy"? Or did I just insult you by not calling you a character guy? Is it worthwhile to make that distinction and to decide what you're good at and focus on it? Or to do everything you can?

HW: I’m not insulted. I am profoundly lazy, and doing characters and stuff takes so much effort. It’s way easier to just go be myself. On the flipside of that, I did do a lot of sketch stuff for many years, so I don’t think I’m like, the worst character guy. I can do a southern accent!


JK: Ooh! I know you are a fan of the band Phish. Did you ever like The Spin Doctors? Do you like them now?

HW: Why, do Phish sound like the Spin Doctors to you?  


JK: They seem to be in the same crunchy family.

HW: Frillz, my jamband in high school called “Pralines and Dik” (Wayne’s World ref) covered the song Two Princes by the Spin Doctors. That should tell you about all you need to know. And yes I still like that song. It’s catchy! Everyone else is wrong. Not me.


JK: Why don't you have a podcast? Is it legal for you not to have a podcast? It's like James Cromwell not being British, which my friend Alex pointed out was fucked up.

HW: James Cromwell isn’t British?!?? This interview is over. Okay, fine I’ll stay. I kind of sort do have a podcast actually. It’s called Analyze Phish where I attempt to get Scott Aukerman to like the band Phish. We only did 4 episodes, so I guess I don’t have that podcast anymore. Now, I don’t have one because I just found out James Cromwell isn’t British. 


JK: I'm sorry I had to break that news to you. Anyway, please describe the first time you did acid.

HW: I was at a high school dance sophomore year. My friends and I left the dance early and drove around in my friend’s station wagon listening to Weezer’s Pinkerton album all night (our sober friend was driving. Chill out). I sat in the way back in the hatch staring at traffic lights and having epiphanies about Pat Wilson’s drums on that album. Also, when the acid first came on in the school parking lot, I had what was probably the hardest 45 minute giggle fit I have ever had in my life. The entire world was funny to me. Truly magical. 


JK: What were you like as a teenager? What advice would you give teenagers today?

HW: I was a slightly rebellious type who didn’t think school mattered much. And I was right. And that is what I would tell a teenager today: school does not matter.


JK: Are you dating anybody right now? Please describe your dream date to me.

HW: I am not dating anyone, but I’m certainly not opposed to it. In the meantime I’m down to clown. My dream date definitely involves some degree of clowning.  Do you know anyone?


JK: Oh, yeah-- just this one clown, but she's not your type.


This article was originally published May 2012