This article was originally published August 2013
The Best Deal in Town
Camp Brochure: Monilauke, a Co-Educational Camp
Originally published October 2013
The Ultimate Dick and Fart Joke
Audio Engineer: Jason Flowers
Originally published October 2013
QUIZ: Are You Sexually Attracted to Your Cousin
Choose the options below that best describe your feelings toward your cousin.
The Comedian's Orgy, Featuring James Adomian, Matt Braunger, Ali Wong, Brent Weinbach, and Ron Funches
How would these comics handle themselves at sex party?
Scroll horizontally & click for essential orgy stats →
Photography by Mandee Johnson
Also Featuring: Andy Peters, JC Coccoli, Barbara Gray, and David Cope
Originally Published October 2013
Fuck Marry Kill: Guy Fieri, Paul Dean, & Padma Lakshmi
ILLUSTRATIONS BY James Olstein
Originally Published September 2013
More FMK:
Glendale Herald Obituary
Lou Kalunksy
L
ou Kalunksy died last night at the age of 68. He worked at this newspaper for over forty years, where he served as the Obituaries Editor. Despite Kalunksy's decades of hard work, he was never given a shred of respect by anybody. His editors paid him terribly and his colleagues made fun of his weight and speaking voice, which happened to be high-pitched.
During his tenure at the Herald, Kalunsky wrote over 10,000 obituaries. He also masturbated in every single room of the bureau, including his editor's office (twice). He was never caught, even though he masturbated at work a minimum of once a day.
In addition to masturbating everywhere, Kalunksy often took pencils off his colleague's desks, went into the third floor bathroom, and put the pencils inside of his butt. Later, when nobody was looking, he would put these pencils back on people's desks. Everyone at the newspaper used pencils that had been inside of his butt.
Once a week, Kalunsky went to work early and spat in all the water coolers. Everyone drank his spit all the time.
Kalunksy is survived by his coworkers at the Herald, including Sheryl (who ate his special dietary yogurts without asking) and Paul (who called Kalunsky "Ka-lumpy" behind his back.) Both colleagues drank his spit and used pencils from his butt. One night, Kalunsky took Paul's ruler, which he uses all the time for layout, and jammed it really deep inside of his butt. The next day, he saw Paul using the ruler and laughed so hard that he started to cry. People asked him what was so funny and he said "Jeff's political cartoon," but really it was the fact that Paul was using a ruler that had been incredibly deep inside of his unwashed butt.
In lieu of flowers, please send bags of shit to the offices of the Glendale Herald.
This article was originally published October 2013
Yelp Review: adultfriendfinder.com
WARNING! FALSE ADVERTISING!!!
I recently logged on to this website because I needed help finding an adult friend. His name is Tom, he is 31 years old, and he has been missing since August 29th, 2013. After spending $19.95 on this bogus service, my adult friend has STILL not been found!
With the police investigation producing no leads and zero witnesses coming forward with information, I was at a serious loss for how to locate my adult friend. It seems that in today’s “Amber Alert” culture, with so much attention focused on finding our missing child friends, adult-friend-finding has largely been pushed to the back burner (thanks, Obama). So you can imagine my pleasant surprise when I stumbled across a website called “AdultFriendFinder.com.” I thought to myself “finally, a service catering to my specific needs.” Boy, was I ever wrong.
Despite my situation meeting ALL of the criteria laid out in this website’s incredibly misleading name (Tom is a full-grown adult, a true friend, and in serious need of finding), Adult Friend Finder was completely unhelpful in locating him. And this was through no lack of trying on my part. I was as specific as possible within the confines of their strangely lighthearted and randy search terms. Since I am also a man, I selected “man seeking man” for “casual fun” (figuring that a casual, fun night in with his loved ones could be quite helpful to Tom’s most-likely-shattered psyche). I clicked “search” and waited.
At this point, I became VERY confused. The results were nothing but photos of men in various states of undress AND arousal. How is this relevant to locating missing adults?! I found it very odd that the families of these men would provide such racy, downright pornographic photos of their missing loved ones, but there was no time to sit in judgment. I had an adult friend to find.
I soon received a message from a “HungYoungWolf_44” asking if I wanted to “party.” I obliged, assuming that meant organizing a search party. I told Hung Young (who, based on his name, I assumed to be of Japanese and German descent – he wasn’t) to meet me that evening at the men’s room in the park (the site of Tom’s disappearance) and to bring a flashlight, rope and whatever other tools he’d need to get the job done. He arrived with a sack full of devices alright, but they all seemed better suited for searching in a person than for a person. The two of us had sex and it was great, but this did NOT bring me any closer to finding my adult friend, Tom.
I would recommend this site for the sex ONLY. For missing persons cases, definitely go to the police or at least HornyPolice.com.
[2.5 stars because of the sex]
This article was originally published October 2013
Hot Erotic Fiction
Chapter 6
A
lexander had locked the door behind him and was walking toward Samantha. She suddenly tensed. He had never locked the door before. Yet, he’d just done it, as if he’d done nothing at all. As if he’d done it a thousand times.
His jawline shown in the candlelight, his eyes gleaming with desire. He’d come into her room with a purpose.
“Come here, Samantha,” he said in a low voice.
She obeyed, fearing he’d be angry with her if I dawdled even an instant. I mean if she dawdled even an instant, sorry.
And there they were. Face to face, heat emanating from their bodies with every beat of their hearts. Their pelvises suddenly equipped with powerful magnets, drawing closer and closer to each other. It was almost about to happen. She would be deflowered.
“Oh my god,” groaned the author. “This is really hot. This is about to get really, really hot.”
He quickly began to undress her. His fingers untied the sash, and briskly, with one movement, pulled her dress over her head. Removing her dress was easy enough, but he could see that the rest would be a little bit trickier.
“Dammit,” he said through smiling lips. “You’ve made it harder than I thought.”
She giggled at his clever double entendre. “I can make it harder.” She reached back, tying her corset strings in an impossible double knot.
Come on! Just let him undress you, you idiot.
“You’re being a bad girl,” he said, unsheathing his knife without hesitation.
There we go! Now we’re talking. Next thing he “unsheathes” will be his dick. I guarantee it.
She inhaled sharply, anticipating punishment. She’d pushed him too far. He was, after all, a warrior above all else. What was to stop him from carving her up like a turkey?
Blah Blah Blah, we get it, you think he’s going to punish you first or whatever. Come on! Do it!
“And you will be punished,” he breathed, cutting her corset strings free. “But not how you think.”
BINGO! DING! DING! DING! Here we go. Now I’m cooking with grease!
With that, he scooped her up and carried her to her bed, taking no care as he pulled back the sheets, dropping Samantha underneath them. (How is she still dressed GODDAMMIT?!?!!) He yanked open Samantha’s corset, releasing her ample breasts (OH BOY, of course they’re huge, right? Perf nips. There they are.), and furiously began unbuckling his breechesssssss (Oooops sorry! I just knocked my fucking tea over into the keyboard I was so Goddamned aroused. Hang on. Let me mop this up real quick and.... okay, done. Sorry.) When his throbbing member was finally freed, he didn’t hesitate to throw up her skirt (remember, she’s a VIRGIN GUYS, here it comes) and enter her for the first time*&dal;!!oke!jf (SHIT. I just shattered the screen of my laptop when I kicked it off of my desk. It’s REALLY HARD to rub one out in your office chair with your legs up and also keep writing a fucking romance novel, okay fellas!!!!?? Oh well, I’ll write off my laptop anyway.). He quickly began pummeling her pulsating sex at a steady, but forceful pace. There we go. Yep, that’s it. Mommy’s happy. Finally. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh yeah. Yep. There we go. Ohhhhh mmmm....
Ummm... then Samantha and Alexander just laid there for a minute as the author opened up a few tabs in pornhub.com, chose from a variety of Scandinavian bondage pornography, and feverishly masturbated until completion four times.
And then Samantha and Alexander got dressed and went about their business because I already came a bunch of times and I’m tired. Goodnight.
This article was originally published October 2013
MORPHS: You Won’t Believe What These Sex Symbols Looked Like When They Were Young
A look back and a look forward at the those who changed the face of sex throughout history.
Slide the pegs below to watch the sex symbols become younger.
John Travolta
Madonna
Jack Nicholson
Sophia Lauren
Johnny Depp
Pamela Anderson
Mickey Rourke
Denzel Washington
SEE MORE MORPHS:
Get The Look: Nicki Minaj!
Breaking down Nicki Minaj’s effortless style
HAIR
Woah. Okay.
MAKEUP
Lots.
EYELASHES
Aack.
EARRINGS
Good God, woman.
NECKLACE
Yeesh.
TOP
Is that what that is?
BRACELETS
Holy mackerel.
SPARKLY THINGS
Not even sure… what…
those are.
LEGGINGS
Aye caramba.
TATTOOS
Uh… cool?
FINGERNAILS
Really?
LIPSTICK
Ooooooooookay.
SHOES
Just… just stop.
This article was originally published October 2013
Around Town: Justin's Unbelieberble Bod!
CELEBS ARE HITTING THE TOWN AND MAKING A SCENE!
Yum yum! Fans of Justin Bieber got a tasty treat this week when the pop mega-star went shirtless for an Us Weekly photo shoot, showing off his delicious little boy body!
Justin’s lithe little muscles and smooth, hairless boy chest were on full display last Thursday as he posed for the cameras while talking about his sold-out “Believe” tour with his full, moist mouth. “I’m excited to see all my fans,” said the little filthy tease. “We have a lot of cool things planned for the show.”
The “One Time” singer has recently gotten into trouble for speeding in residential areas like a naughty little dirty boy who needs to be spanked, hard, but refused to comment on the issue. “I’m just focused on my tour and my fans right now,” said Bieber while coyly running his fingers down his lickably tight belly as though he didn’t know exactly goddamn well what he was doing.
Justin Bieber’s smooth little boy cock was not on display during the photo shoot, though fans can vividly imagine how it would feel to fondle it with their sweaty, trembling hands.
This article was originally published October 2013
The Gauntlet: 50 Questions with Maria Bamford
Photography by Piper Ferguson
In lieu of a real interview, we sent over 50 questions to Maria Bamford and told her to answer as many as she could and that regardless of how far she got, we'd publish all of them.
So you incorporate a lot of characters and voices into your act, right?
(IN HIGH LADY) Yes, (LOW LADY), I do. (MEDIUM LADY)
How many do you do?
About 4 voices.
Can you do one right now?
OK!
How’d it go?
Well, I did an impersonation of me doing an impersonation of myself doing an impersonation of me because I am in a hotel business center and I feel self-conscious. I said “hello” to myself in the mirror. It was pretty accurate.
What person would you say has the best speaking voice in the world?
Barack Obama has a very warm palate of tones.
How about the best peaking voice?
The voice of Everest has been silent, but as it is trampled by millions seeking its summit, I believe it will rise up. (What are we talking about?)
Who needs to stop talking all together?
I’m often caught in the middle of my own monologue to a stranger and wonder— what’s that high-pitched beeping— “Oh! I’m still talking!”
What was the best conversation you had in the past week?
My boyfriend doing impersonations of our dogs.
If you’re in a group conversation, what’s your role?
Listener, laugher (Lady).
You’re buying a picture frame and notice that the stock photo in the frame is YOU. What do you do?
Call my manager to celebrate!
How do you stay in such tip top shape?
Tremoring!
What’s your favorite exercise?
Elliptical while Netflixing.
How much can you bench?
25.
What’s your relationship like with your parents?
Casual, sexy.
What do you wish it was like?
Intense, confusing.
What’s something you wish you could say to your parents but never would?
You guys, I’m going back to school in Library Science.
Do you think they’ll read this interview?
My Mom had me on Google-Alert –so I assume, yes. Hi, Mom!
How old is too old to start doing stand-up?
With technology, I think hospice care, or late 50’s-90’s, is the best time to start! Free time, great perspective on some edgy topics— death, chronic pain, loss, bedsores. The Internet is a 24 hour international open mic and the AARP membership is a growing, untapped audience. I can’t wait to see what my parents’ generation is going to come up with. They’re cra-zay.
What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever heard told by a child?
I like a fart noise.
What’s the least funny joke you’ve ever heard told by a child?
Hitting me on the head with a plastic baseball bat.
Do you know anyone you would consider a “hack”?
I certainly have the characteristics of what I’ve heard a “hack” is— heterosexual relationships, food, airport references. And there’s always
a new generation of “hack”— so, I’m sure whatever’s edgy now will become the norm and then, the people will rise up.
Do you know anyone you would consider a “hacker”?
I am in a commune of artistes. We do not speak of technology.
Angelina Jolie was in Hackers. How would you describe her whole “deal”?
She’s pretty great and all.
Since this is a sex-themed issue, do you mind if we ask you a few sex related questions?
Of course. I want to be obliging.
Sex: Overrated? Underrated?
UNDER! It’s so fun and funny.
What sex advice would you give to someone having sex for the first time?
HAVE SOME!
What sex advice would you give to someone having sex for the last time?
Give it your 20%!
Pornography: what does the word mean to you?
Cash cow, harder than waitressing.
What’s a good outfit someone can wear during sex?
V-neck trousers.
Who’s sexier? Steve Jobs or Steve Spielberg?
I can’t choose. They both have their sensual energies. Especially since Steve Jobs would be a ghost.
What’s your favorite Steve Spielberg movie?
ET. It reminds me of how I feel living in Los Angeles. Surviving off of Reese’s Pieces in a closet.
Ol’ Steve Spielberg is getting a little full of himself, no?
He has a lot to be proud of. He’s been able to do a lot despite being a tiny little man with girl hands.
When would you say Steve Spielberg jumped the shark?
This is where I mention Jaws.
Did you say Jaws? You know, because of the shark that’s in that movie?
Ha-ha!
Who directed Jaws 2?
I don’t know and I won’t check.
Did you even see Jaws 2?
No, I didn’t and I won’t. I simply will not watch JAWS 2.
Explain yourself.
A typical day for me involves approximately four hours of upright consciousness— all activities must be contained between 12 noon and 4 and then I fall into a heap of pugs. There is no room—with all of my snacking and responsibilities—to attend to all of pop culture.
Do you watch House of Cards?
Negatory, but my parents keep me up to date on Kevin Spacey’s shenanigans.
What is your favorite TV show, not including House of Cards?
DEREK!!!!!! And Suze Orman (available on iTunes!).
Which is more fun to play, House or Cards?
House is much more fun— especially grocery shop miming.
Do you care about the Beatles?
We keep in touch.
Who’s tall these days?
Is Manute Bol still a reference?
What do you do when you see someone over seven feet tall?
I enunciate clearly and loudly.
It’s like where do they even get off?
Well, they get off at whatever stop they want to but if they go to the end of the line— then, that’s their beeswax.
If you were a betting woman, what would be the name of the horse you’d bet on?
Braindead Megaphone – title of one of my favorite books – or Bert.
Are you a betting woman?
Sure.
Have you ever stolen anything?
I have stolen food. And when I say stolen—I mean—relieved friends of old candy corn in a cupboard while they weren’t watching. Who is the victim?
Are you currently in possession of anything that doesn’t belong to you?
As a middle-class white woman, I’m sure there are a few things I’ve appropriated that I should return. I should probably give back reggae.
What is the quickest and easiest way to express disapproval?
Grimace and downcast eyes.
Boxers or brief...cases?
I’m going with Boxers. Petting dogs lowers your blood pressure, and business luggage is still evolving.
This article was originally published October 2013
READ MORE Gauntlet: 50 Questions:
Women Holding Their Wieners, Featuring Katie Lowes, Sarah Baker, & Regina Hall
↓ CLICK TO ENLARGE THE PHOTOS ↓
Photography by Katrina Marcinowski & Lara Solanki
Originally published October 2013
Reader Suggestions
Instead of the usual smattering of blurbs that readers have sent us, this month we're highlighting just one.
We received the following letter in the mail, packed tightly in a padded envelope along with multiple VHS tapes:
Tape #1, Titled:
“Here is where I show the best part of waking up”
Tape #2, Titled:
“This is so raven for sex”
Tape #3, Titled:
“This sex move is what to expect when your expecting”
Tape #4, Titled:
“A good one for dealing with in-laws”
Originally published October 2013