In lieu of a real interview, we sent 50 questions to Cameron Esposito and told her to answer as many as she could and that regardless of how far she got, we'd publish all of them.
How old are you?
Jesus minus 1.
How old would you like to be?
This is fine. At 25, you have hot boobs but not the best brain. At 45, your brain is great but your boobs have lived a bit. The thirties provide a nice brain/boob balance.
What’s the coolest way to die?
Trying to prevent your own death. At least you tried.
What’s the hottest way to fry?
Naked. Maybe with an apron.
In a kooky comic-strip mashup, Cathy has joined forces with Calvin and/or Hobbes. What do they do?
Calvin and Hobbes get out of there as soon as possible, probably on a sled.
What’s the funniest type of porno?
Lemme scroll through what I have open right now and get back to you ...
If you had to direct a porno, who would you get to star in it?
Linda Hamilton, Sigourney Weaver, Katee Sackhoff, and Milla Jovovich. And it wouldn’t be a porno, but just like a movie with cool punching.
Fuck Marry Kill: Puff Daddy, Diddy, Sean Combs.
No, no, no. None of these.
What’s your favorite Michelle Pfeiffer movie?
I like everything Mekhi Phifer has done. He was great as the Catwoman.
You’re a substitute teacher tasked with filling in at an inner city school. The kids just don’t want to learn and refuse to not be in gangs because they’re from the inner city. How do you inspirationally turn things around?
I’m a nun on the run from some nightclub gangsters. I don’t get shot by the gangsters because of my nun pals and everything is resolved. Then, for some reason I can’t remember, I go teach music at this school where Lauryn Hill is a student. Really, though, why am I back with the nuns? Because I already got away from the gangsters and I’m a nightclub singer and it feels like a nightclub singer would only have to pretend to be a nun once per life. So I can’t understand how I’m at this school or anything.
We hear you’re engaged. What’s it like to be loved?
What’s keeping you from riding more horses?
Stupid horses always wanna climb up a mountain and kind of dangle off the side being all, “My feet are steady. I’m a horse and I kick rocks around but I won’t fall,” even though they KNOW I am afraid of heights. “Let’s go through that meadow or open field of nothing,” I say, but the horses are like, “We only do what we want!”
How do you think Snoop Dogg responds when you accidentally walk in on him while he’s watching CBS sitcoms?
You asked this like you think he’d be embarrassed. Here’s the thing about Snoop: He doesn’t embarrass. He could have his entire peen accidentally hanging out of his pants while he meets your grandmother and the President and he’d be like, “No doubt.”
What’s wrong with hippos?
Too hungry. Don’t understand the concept of food. Those little white plastic balls won’t make you less hungry, hippos.
What would your job be if you were in the Civil War?
That one medic who is a woman dressed as a man so she can make it to the front lines. Lots of bone sawing. Decent fake mustache (for the time).
Who’s famous these days?
Zooey Deschanel? She definitely has a fuchsia coat.
How would you advise someone on making it in Hollywood?
Tons of plastic surgery. I’ve had A LOT of work done — started right when I was born — and look at me now! I’m a star!
Please explain the Electoral College and if you can’t, please write how you think the Seinfeld theme song would look if it were transcribed into words.
We vote and then they vote and it doesn’t have to be the same as our votes but it can be and de beepy beepy deepy dee boom da boom boom bee (bucka chicka bucka chicka).
What about the theme to Curb Your Enthusiasm?
It’s the same.
What TV show do you watch in the dark?
All, because I have standards. Close the blinds, too.
What’s your favorite TV show... er? That is to say, who’s got a nice shower on TV?
The ones on Game of Thrones. People look awesome. Those people are always getting clean! Oh, but like showers I would like to also be in? Orange is the New Black. With Piper. And Alex. Maybe two Alexes.
What movie do you tell people you like, but you secretly hate?
I’m not a liar, OK, Funny Or Die?
What movie do you tell people you hate, but secrete only mildly dislike?
Oh, I hate everything.
How old were you when you attended your first Natalie Merchant concert?
Lilith Fair 1999. I was 17. I ran toward the stage in a fit of tears when Sarah McLachlan appeared to sing “Adia.”
How often do you play your Coldplay greatest hits CD?
As often as Gwyneth does.
Our theme for the month is “Exploration.” Cool if we dive into that?
Wouldn’t recommend it. Too shallow.
Would you say that Native Americans “had it coming?” Explain.
No. But he had it coming, he had it coming, he only had himself to blame (pop, six, squish, uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz). And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, please rent Chicago and get yourself some culture. Then move on to Cabaret. Can’t do it the other way around. You must build to perfection.
What would you bring on a vacation to the moon?
Liv Tyler, iPod, speakers, and a downloaded copy of I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. (I know that was an asteroid, and that she stayed on Earth, but I just think she’d be up for the moon and, yeah, it is weird to make out while her dad sings, but that’s also the whole point of that movie so I don’t think she be that upset about it.)
What’s the point of going on a hike?
Acceptable to wear spandex! I do it for the spandex.
“Take a hike”: That’s a funny phrase, right?
Whoa, you’re good. How long you been doing it? Do you do road stuff or just in town?
What were road trips with your family like as a kid?
My older sister and I in the way back of our station wagon, counting the number of people behind us we could get to change lanes using rude gestures and confusing antics. And tons of barfing because we ate too much white-cheddar popcorn or the like.
What’s it like being a mother, probably?
Boring. Especially when babies are teeny. They don’t do anything. But also the best. Yeah, that’s right: I’m into it.
What do you talk about when getting your hair cut?
Radical queer activism and desert sweat lodges (I go to a very specific salon and I follow their conversational lead).
What do you talk about at that awful moment when you’ve run out of things to talk about when getting your hair cut?
I close my eyes and focus on sweating through my shirt due to silence-induced anxiety.
How good are mandarin oranges?
The canned ones will put you directly into a diabetic coma, and the fresh ones are too small and annoying a food for any adult. How do you have time to peel such small food? What are you, cracking your own almonds?
Vladimir Putin: Guy’s a mess, right?
Scariest shirtless guy out there. Anyone who believes gays are coming for their children scares the shit out of me. Gays are raising children — sometimes children straight folks weren’t able to raise — and there are gay children (that’s where gay adults come from). Anyone who thinks there is something else happening between gays and kids besides parenting (or being an aunt or nanny or cousin) or being gay and being a kid does not have a firm grip on reality and should not have nuclear weapons. What’s happening to gay folks in Russia right now is heartbreaking and awful and should scare us all. And it’s also a great reason to keep the conversation about equal rights and equal marriage here in the States going. Don’t be like Russia on this one, America.
Are you political?
What are you against?
See two above.
What are you anti-?
See three above.
What is the difference?
One of those questions was below the other.
What are you pro-?
All human beings being treated like human beings.
What are you a pro at?
Much like Pantene, I’m a pro at V’s. And that is a hilarious sex joke.
How is your Borat?
My Bo Rat is a professional athlete in two sports.
... You like?
Yes. He’s made me tons of money with endorsements. That photo of him with a baseball bat across his little rat shoulders — perfection.
When you get married, instead of saying “my girlfriend,” you’d say:
My wife. Co-owner of these kids (gesturing toward future kids).
We’ve seen you describe yourself as a “tiny lesbian.” How tiny are we talking?
0.5 Briennes of Tarth.
What do you think Steve Spielberg is doing right now?
Hopefully talking Richard Donner out of Goonies 2. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE CRYSTAL SKULL, STEVEN, AND HOW SAD THAT WAS.
Explain the Middle East in seven words:
Whose Shire is it? (That was four.)
Fill in the blanks: ___ ___ what ___ eat (hint: It’s “you are what you eat”)
Never say this to a comic. Never! We are trying the best we can! We don’t always live at our houses! We might eat a stale bag of hotel-room pretzels or a hard-boiled egg from Starbucks, but we are not these things!
So say we all.