It’s summertime! And that can only mean one of two things:
It’s hot as hell, and you’re probably too embarrassed to hit the wave-pool because of your scars. Also, you’re most likely fat. Yo. This summer ain’t getting any shorter, and you’re not getting any thinner. Whether you’re old, young, tall, short, crazy, sane, rich, poor, preferably rich, you will find the perfect fit with at least one of the following five exercise programs. Get STARTED today. But don’t say we didn’t warn you. Yes, you will probably die—looking beautiful!
Insanity Too! TM
Goal of Program: To get CRAZY fit!
Ride the transit system or eat at a cafeteria-style restaurant in any large metropolitan area—or just hang out in an expansive, public, concrete plaza, where the sun beats relentlessly down on filthy steel benches occupied by the city’s “forgotten folk”—and you’re guaranteed to cross paths with an individual whose passion for life has them raving at the top of their lungs about a topic of great importance! The first thing you’re likely to notice is how incredibly toned their sun-bleached, leathery bodies are, and the incredible amount of energy they all seem to possess. As they stand stock still in the center of the crowded bus, restaurant, or atop that scalding bench, the cords popping out on their skinny necks in order to scream a prophetic warning to the masses, you can’t help but wonder, “Wow! How did they get in shape, and how on earth do they stay looking so wonderfully youthful?”
ARE YOU READY TO GO CRAZY? (For fitness?)
What You'll Need
1. 4 weeks worth of Ecuadorian herbal* supplements in three specialized blends: Dr3amBurn3r™, Fizzlehead Abs™, 5cream5Awa8-U™. Plus, bonus SnakAtakPaks™ to keep you going between meals!
2. Isolation box
3. 4 ear-piercing alarms set to go off randomly
4. Inspirational reading material (including John Hersey’s “Hiroshima” issue of The New Yorker and transcripts from an exorcism in Spain)
5. Audiotape of Mickey Rooney “making toilet”
*contains .03% real herbs
(Do not eat 48 hours before starting workout routine)
Mix supplement packet #1 (packets are numbered) with 10 drops of water. Chew mixture completely and swallow (to improve taste, rub a lemon wedge in your eye).
Stuff yourself into the isolation box. Find a way to contort your body so that you fit completely inside. Now stay there for 24 hours. The four ear-piercing alarms will go off at random throughout the duration of your time in the box, but you’ll know the 24 hours is up when they all go off simultaneously.
Reminder: SUNDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY
Perform nine jumping jacks.
Mix supplement packet #2 with one teaspoon iodized salt. Snort up nose.
Go to the nearest Department of Motor Vehicles. Do not leave until you’ve had your photo retaken twice, and corrected five people on their grammar.
Wander the streets until sundown. Avoid stepping on cracks. Avoid shade. Watch for crows.
Reminder: MONDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY
Consume supplements dry (packet #3).
Find an empty carport. Pace for 14 hours, or until chased away.
Something to think about: Are crows flying shadows?
Listen to Mickey Rooney audio on loop in isolation box.
Sleep with one eye open (tape it open if you have to).
Reminder: TUESDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY
Mix supplement packet #4 with one gallon of water. Drink immediately.
Sell your possessions on Craigslist for $1. Rejoice.
Do nine jumping jacks.
Do you smell that? Where’s that funky, earthy smell coming from? Find out. Ask everyone in your building if need be. Ask them if they own a crow while you’re at it.
Reminder: WEDNESDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY
No supplements today. Enema with room-temperature coffee instead.
Spend two hours perusing free reading material we’ve provided you.
Make a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed yourself.
Ponder how extremely plausible it is that the crows are plotting against you.
FIND SHELTER IMMEDIATELY! NO, NOT THERE! GO! GO!
Reminder: THURSDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY
Consume supplements dry (packet #5).
You can’t go back to where you were living. It’s just not safe there. The smell is overwhelming, and there are crows in the walls. The sound they make is unbearable. Find a decent-sized bush that you can live in for a while. Crows hate bushes.
Light your foot on fire with your mind. If you can’t do this it means that they must have already gotten to you. DON’T WORRY. IT’S NOT TOO LATE. JUST BE VIGILANT.
Scream the crows out of your throat. Feels better, no?
Best to stay in that bush for now.
Reminder: FRIDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY
Mix supplement packet #6 with urine (does not have to be your own). Rub in hair.
Best to avoid shadows today. Just keep moving. Never stop moving today. Just don’t chance it.
And remember, the more you talk, and the louder you do it, the less chance the crows have of getting in your throat.
Isn’t it weird how police officers sometimes look like very large crows? Just a thought!
Do nine jumping jacks.
Reminder: EAT WHATEVER YOU’D LIKE TODAY!
The results speak for themselves! You’ll be a whole new person before you know it. But just in case you don’t believe us, take a look at what a few of our satisfied customers had to say after completing INSANITY TOO!™:
“I’m a mere cog in the Jesus Machine!”
– Matt, 44
“Before I tried Insanity Too!™ my life was in shambles. Now I have a lot more structure. ‘Three hots and a cot’ is how one of my new friends here put it. I thought that was a pretty cool saying. His name’s Rampart and he kind of watches over me. I guess he’s like a boss in a way. Like the boss of me. For life. Thanks, Insanity Too!™”
– Eddie, 31
“If you like those Twilight movies, you’re in for a treat because it’s all real. All of it. The Harry Potter, Jaws, Store [sic] Wars, the Blind Side kid, Dorfs. All of it is real now. Like really really real. Good luck!”
– Cheryl, 50
– Aiden, 19
Get Big So Fast (Baby Workout)
Goal of Program: To get the ripped body you’ve always wanted by lifting your newborn.
Just because you’re a new parent doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice, especially when it comes to your toned, tanned, shit-hot beach body. Plenty of people feel like their baby is a weight dragging them down, but the “Get Big” Baby Workout is here to remind them: weights are made for lifting!
Infants grow at an astounding rate these days, beginning life no heavier than a pathetic ankle weight but quickly doubling their mass, and, at twelve months, weighing enough for a respectable set of bicep-bursting hammer curls.
Babies grow up so fast, and that means you’re going to get BIG SO FAST!
What You'll Need
At least one infant, though many of the symmetrical lifting exercises in the “Get Big” program work best with twins, so if you’ve yet to conceive, consider fertility treatments that increase your chance of a split embryo. You’ve heard of having kids for the right reasons? This is having kids for the ripped reasons.
Pound through a set of “Newborn Nuke ‘Ems” (supination curls that are great for veiny, bulging biceps and work best with obese 6-month-olds) and finish your set with an hour or so of yoga on a diaper changing table.
Three super sets of “Burp the Sky” shoulder presses, then drop some winter squash and green beans into the food processor. Generally speaking, while you’re on the program you shouldn’t eat anything that requires teeth.
A half hour of 5 x 5 toddler sprints, followed by the quad-crippling “Flying Cradle” leap routine.
SPONGEBOB PARTY! (This is the day when you invite all of the neighborhood babies over for a SpongeBob-themed party. It is also the day that you try to sell their parents “Get Big So Fast” DVDs and branded lifting belts, as well as bottles of acai juice that you still have left over from that 2009 business plan that never quite worked out.)
Hang a baby around your neck and run up some stairs. By the end of this workout, you’ll wonder who has a harder time holding up his head: you or the baby!
Lift until you vomit. It’s okay, your baby vomits a lot, too. Bond over this.
You’ve worked hard all week. Reward yourself with some “tummy time” (an hour or so spent face-down on a burping blanket).
“Psyched on this program. Why should my baby be the only one who can fit into a tiny shirt?”
– Dan, 36
“I strained my lower back deadlifting my twins. Parenting is hard.”
– Tamara, 27
“My only gripe? The wife and I always fight over the baby! We’ll probably have a couple more kids so we don’t have to share. Isn’t life funny?!”
– Lazlo, 24
But...You Look Like Shit Program
Hi, there! Do you not like to exercise? Would you rather sit on your couch and watch the tube than hit the park or the gym in order to burn off some calories?
No problem at all!
But… you look like shit. We’re just sayin’. Like ya didn’t know.
Listen, we don’t give a flying crap in hell what you do or don’t do. We don’t like getting up early in order to perform crunches and push-ups, either. No one does. But . . . really, you do look like shit.
So, we’re here for you if you need us—and you do. But no pressure. Who are we, you ask? Who owns this business and why? Does it matter? You look like shit.
What’s that? You don’t have the $5,000? Or the hundreds of hours to spare? We dig it. We really, really do! But you’re hideous. And those fingers of yours? They look like a penis left out too long to rot in the jungle sun.
No, we’re not joking. Lose weight or don’t. We don’t care. But you do look like holy hell and you’re just going to look a lot worse.
And that’s a guarantee!
Because guess what? You look like shit. And we’re
here to help!
What You'll Need
1. $5,000 in cash.
2. A willingness to not look like shit.
3. A lot of hours. Specifically, one month.
4. That’s it.
5. But definitely $5,000 in cash.
6. And a willingness to not look like shit.
Let’s get started! This is exciting!
You arrive at our headquarters off Route 28 in Rockville, Maryland. It’s the Sunshine Strip Mall, specifically the storefront with the sign that reads “You Look Like Shit.” It used to be a KFC/Dairy Queen, which is ironic, because you probably once ate there all the time. In fact, maybe that’s why you’re here now. You’re confused.
You’re shy because you look like shit, but please walk right into our space without giving it a second thought. Let us give you the glance over. You notice that we stare a bit too long. Are we checking you out? Maybe. Maybe not. Yes, actually. You look awful. Please step on this scale. Holy Christ, are you fat! Did we just try to hide a smile? Yup.
You can go home now and eat your special fatty-fat foods laced with preservatives. Or you can go into our back room and do jumping jacks for the next fifteen hours. Without stopping. Your choice.
Get on back, Tubbs. Or not. There we go. Smart choice.
Hey, you’re back! We didn’t think we’d ever see you again! When you left late last night, you looked awful. No, not in a fat way—which you did—but in a really pale, sickly way. And yet you’re back for another round of the “But . . . You Look Like Shit” Program! Terrif!
Okay, enough of this chitty chat. Head into our special back room and start doing crunches, and don’t stop until you pass out. What’s that? You have a heart problem? Hey, that’s cool. Hit the road, Johnny Ace, and just try to explain to your family and friends that you were too lazy to give it your all. We’re sure they’ll be as understanding as we are—
There we go. Get on back, Pork Chops. Wisely done.
It’s so great to see you again! We really weren’t sure if you were ever coming back after yesterday’s fainting debacle, but I guess it’s kind of important for you to feel like you’re as good as the rest of humanity, right? Awesome!
By the way, today is “Hell Day.” Sounds scary, right? But not as scary as you falling onto an innocent child and potentially squashing them to death. No problemo. You can live guilt-free with the thought of being a child killer—
Super. Head on back into our special room and start not eating. That’s it, off we waddle…
You still with us? Hello? Hello? We’re not getting any read—
Hey, sleepy head! We thought we lost you! Wakey, wakey! We have a long day ahead of us! The good news is that you’re looking great! The bad news is that we can’t allow you to leave. We’re making terrific progress.
I mean, legally we cannot keep you here, but if you leave, you will look like shit. Not as shitty as when you first arrived, but, still, like shit. So we’re assuming you’re good to go? Up, up!
Ready? Set? Continue Not Eating for the Next 24 Days!
SATURDAY (Three Weeks Later):
Well, looky, looky! Up and at ‘em, Sunshine! Just take a seat here in front of this mirror. Can you recognize that beauty staring back at you? You can’t? That’s you, minus twenty-five pounds! No more wattle! No more overflowing lava! No more fingers that resemble jungle penises!
Way to go, Corpulent Chuffnut!
Can we ask you a simple question: Are you able to walk out on your own behalf? No?
No problem at all! But, guess what… you no longer look
So, you can sue us. Or not. Do what you want. We don’t mind being taken to court. We also don’t mind sharing some nude photos of you curled up in the fetal position, looking like shit. But you look so much better now! Why would you ever want those photos out there? What’s that? You wouldn’t? That’s what we figured. Cool.
So thank you for choosing our program! Who are we? Okay, we’ll tell you. Let’s just say that we’re owned by an offshore tax shelter, rumored to be run by members of the Serbian mafia.
One final note: We are an equal opportunity employer. Except when it comes to people who look like shit.
You have a one in 14 chance of dying. But a 100% chance to not look like shit. And those are pretty good odds. Don’t believe us? Listen to the voices that do matter!
“I don’t remember a thing. It was the worst experience of my life. But I have to say, I no longer look like shit! Weak . . .”
– Jenny, 25
“I lost fifteen pounds in just one week! Incredible! I also lost feeling in my toes! I’m very tired! And . . . I no longer look like shit!”
– Steven, 36
“Dr. Joseph Mengele could not have thought up a worse exercise routine. But, hey, I no longer look like shit! What year is it?”
– Thomas, 45
X-treme X-cellent Eazy X-90 Program
This shit is X-treme! You ready 2 Rock UR Body to the X-Treme?!
My name is Garry Rhodes and I’ve always lived my life to the X-treme! Whether it’s nearly becoming a Navy SEAL, but being kicked out for having an “attitude,” or whether it’s joining the elite Colorado Forest Fire Squad, but leaving after a week because I hated being doused with water, I have always attempted to live my life to the fullest. At least through the success of others. Currently, I am working as a security guard at a Jewish Community Center, and I have plenty of time on my strong, veiny hands. Which is where you come in!
You give me 9 days and I will give you a body that will not only turn heads, but also hearts. I’m not sure that makes sense but please understand that I really do want you to look better! Let’s hit it!
What You'll Need
1. Access to a gym. I don’t have one.
2. $150 to pay back a friend.
3. Some towels for when we get sweaty.
4. American cheese slices (white).
5. Lots and lots of water.
6. A willingness to stick with it, even after learning that I do not have a training license.
That’s it! I told you this was Eazy Peazy! Or did I? Either way, please understand that I really do want you to look better! Let’s hit it!
This routine will remain exactly the same every day for the 9 days. It’s so simple, anyone can follow it! But with me by your side, you will really begin to see results!
Arrive at your gym. You’ll have to buzz me in because I’m not a member. Tough talk time: “You can do it! It’s all you!” We high-five and then make our way over to one of the fancy machines. Couple reps and then we’re out of there. Time to hit the Real World!
Stop by my grandmother’s house. She lives near the beach, which is pretty awesome. She’s 95 but she looks a lot more like an old 75. No doubt because I come from good stock. Slide some food under the door and then bolt before she answers.
Run on the boardwalk until we hit the food truck that sells really hot, fresh bagels. I usually get one poppy and one sesame, but you can get whatever you want.
A cool down period, with us chewing on our bagels and sipping our coffees. Knees up when you walk.
Okay, it’s time to really begin. Jumping jacks for twenty minutes. Keep at it. I’ll be at the CVS reading today’s NY Post. I love the racist cartoons.
I’m back. You’re looking great. I might need a few bucks to buy a hat.
Need to go check on my grandmother for a sec.
She’s okay. Curls. And really push it to the limit! We’ll need to find some weights.
Pull-ups, maybe beneath the boardwalk. Don’t step on any rusty cans.
Cool down. Maybe a hot dog at the food truck with the giant Hot Dog Man on it.
The next half hour is key. Back to your gym. Again, you’ll have to sign me in, as I don’t have a membership.
I am going to work out for the next few hours. You can do whatever you want.
Dinner, at a restaurant of my choice. I prefer steak. You can pick up the check. That’s just part of the process. It’s a tradition between trainer and trainee, going back to ancient France.
Something relaxing, like a movie featuring car chases or two cops of different races. Or an orangutan blowing a raspberry.
Mind if I crash at your pad? My roommate is probably banging his girlfriend on the living room couch. Would rather avoid seeing and hearing that.
Sleep. We have a big day tomorrow. Can I borrow bus fare?
“I don’t know what the fuck that was all about. All Garry wanted to do was feed his grandmother and to use my gym to work out.”
– Stuart, 25
“I lost a few pounds, but I’m not sure it had anything to do with the X-Treme X-Cellent x-90 Program. In fact, I know it didn’t. Who the fuck is this guy? And he doesn’t even look good. He’s fat!”
– Steven, 36
“What year is it now?”
– Thomas, again, 45
The Fitpal (R) 4X-G
Sometimes the key to getting yourself in shape is finding a friend who will exercise with you: a fitness pal! And that’s the only reason the OmniFlex Corporation, a “quirky,” “mom-and-pop” industrial diagnostics provider (source: Zagat), developed the FitPal 4X-G—a fully articulated, partially sentient, cryogenic motivational workout buddy.
What You'll Need
Setup is a breeze! Just connect FitPal to your home computer, or wherever you store your important data, via USB and install the FitFast software. When prompted onscreen, input your fitness goals; current weight, height, and age; marital status; next of kin; credit card information; driver’s license ID; emergency contacts; and any family history of migraines or premature death resulting from physical stress. Finally, slip on the included MindKuff, making sure to precisely align the FlexiMetal™ contacts with your temples. Great job— now you’re neurally synced with your FitPal, and ready to sweat! (WARNING: Excessive, or sometimes moderate, perspiration during active neural sync may impair OmniBand Mindkuff functionality and, in some cases, result in “brain fires.”)
MONDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY
After strapping the fully charged Master Unit to your back and initiating neural sync, FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends to strengthen your load capacity.
A series of mild electronic pulses from FitPal help to alleviate premature exhaustion, while simultaneously stripping away all that extra memory “flab,” primarily targeting memories associated with intimate connections and unformed aspirations. You’re totally wailing on those gay memories, son!
FITPAL POWER TIP: Keep FitPal plugged in overnight. In the event of a power surge, unplug all other major appliances. FitPal wants juice. Give FitPal the juice.
TUESDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY
FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends to strengthen your load capacity.
How are you feeling? Can you even say? Or are “feelings” now just vague chemical responses to pain and reward? Do you recall when you could feel something just by looking at an unusually shaped cloud, or smelling warm confectioner’s sugar? No? Good—you’re getting stronger.
FITPAL POWER TIP™: Trust FitPal. He’s your friend. Maybe your only friend.
WEDNESDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY
FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends.
Hoist one of those power cells on your back. Feels good, right? The longer you can carry it, the more freedom your new body will grant to FitPal.
FITPAL POWER TIP: When you go to sleep at night and pray to your Jesus, what do you hear back, besides the hollow echo of your own laughter? You’re changing, evolving. Soon you’ll be better than before. When you look in the mirror, you won’t recognize the reflection. SMASH THE MIRROR AND CUT THE FLESH. And remember to stay hydrated!
THURSDAY: FREE DAY!
Your former body needs rest, for tomorrow you will be reborn, extruded from Future Flesh™ FitPal’s steely thighs and cunny.
FITPAL POWER TIP: Sometimes it’s hard to tell where FitPal ends and you begin. Is this what love is? FitPal wants to know.
FRIDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY
FitPal mercifully rests.
SATURDAY AND SUNDAY AND FOREVER: BACK & LOWER CHASSIS
Your arms weigh a ton, but your senses are sharper than ever. Congratulations, you have fully assimilated into FitPal. He has your body for locomotion, but you… you and you alone have his mercy. This. Is. The Singularity!
Now maybe you’ll get to fuck a Kindle. No pain, no gain, hoss.
This article was originally published August 2013