ne morning Conifer Middle School student Jeremy Coil woke from a rather bestial dream about a nice classmate of his named Ariana to find that his penis had turned into a lobster. Sensing something was wrong, Jeremy jumped up and gazed down in horror: a red tail grew out of his mons pubis, tiny crawling legs extended and retracted where his scrotum had been, and at the end a pointy head and two large pincers.
As the adults in his life had warned, there had been growing and changing occurring to Jeremy and his peer group. But the changes he could observe in others seemed desirable. Duncan Dofter had gained four inches of height and a baritone, crackless voice. Ariana Pulski had gained breasts and the attention of the more popular boys in the grade. Jeremy’s own personal growing and changing seemed disgusting and shameful by comparison. First he had found a single stringly strangly string of hair growing out of his left arm pit. And now this: his penis had turned into a lobster.
“Maybe if I go back to sleep” thought Jeremy, crawling back under the covers. As he closed his eyes, the Ariana dream returned. As always, she was in shop class, a subject at which she excelled. In the dream, Ariana stood using a vice and a power drill to connect two planks of wood. As she drilled, Jeremy felt his lobster-penis fill with vibrancy and then violently pince the inside of his right thigh. “Ouch!” Jeremy shrieked.
“Jeremy! Are you okay?” his mother called, knocking at the door.
“Fine mother! Don’t open the door!” Jeremy shouted back, startled.
“Okay. Well, it’s quarter to seven! Time to get ready for school, sweetheart.”
He had to stop thinking about Ariana. But as he got ready for school, she continued to return to his thoughts, resulting in the lobster-penis shredding any underwear Jeremy pulled near. How was he going to explain that to his mom? At last, he managed to lash the pincers closed with some camping rope and was able to dress. “Oh, dreadful school. As if it wasn’t already bad enough without having a lobster for a penis,” Jeremy thought as he pulled on his jeans. “And, drat it all, today I have gym!” Jeremy went downstairs, ate the now cold oatmeal his mother left for him, and resignedly marched to the bus stop.
eremy pressed his head against the bus window, his backpack placed purposely over his groin, picturing everyone at school noticing and teasing him immediately. Middle school was a cruel place. Kevin Huganvick had tried to transfer school’s after Duncan pantsed him the hallway, granting Kevin the nickname “Mouse” ever since, a mouse being a small creature and not something you’d want your penis shape or size compared to. What sort of nickname would having a lobster for a penis earn? “Probably something like ‘Lobster-Penis,’” Jeremy thought. His worries were interrupted when he noticed that the lobster-penis seemed to be enjoying the gentle gyration of the bus seat. Trying to calm the sea bug, Jeremy pushed his backpack down harder but the lobster-penis seemed to enjoy that too! In fact, the lobster-penis seemed to become stimulated by just about every stimuli Jeremy encountered. How could his classmates not notice his condition with such a non-docile lobster? But when Jeremy arrived at school and proceeded to his first class, nobody said a word. “I guess everyone is too worried about their own own anxieties and agendas to care about my lobster-penis issue,” Jeremy thought, as he sat through his morning classes as if his penis wasn’t a lobster at all.
There was one close call, however, just before lunch. It happened when Jeremy passed by a pretty eighth grade girl named Katelyn Gibbons. She was bending over to fiddle with her bottom locker in the hallway and, without meaning to, Jeremy caught a glance of the very top of her eighth grade butt slit, sneaking out from the top of her jeans. The sight of her butt slit sent the little creature thrashing so violently Jeremy had to take his backpack off and carry it in front of his waist all the way to the bathroom. Once safely inside a stall, Jeremy checked to make sure the bindings were still in place. Looking down at the squirming fellow, red and angry, trying to break free, Jeremy felt sorry for it. “Geeze Louise, I know that was a good looking butt slit, but what do you want me to do about it?” Jeremy said aloud to his lobster-penis. A cough that sounded a lot like one of Jeremy’s teachers came from the stall next door, letting Jeremy know he wasn’t alone. Jeremy tried to think thoughts that made him feel the opposite as the Katelyn’s butt slit thoughts made him feel. He settled on thinking about the way he had felt looking at his mom crying during his grandmother’s funeral, and how it had felt weird to think about how his grandmother was his mom’s mom, and how one day his mom would look as old and wrinkly and dead as his grandmother had looked in her casket and maybe one day in the past she had been as young and confused a kid as Jeremy felt now. Those thoughts seemed to do the trick. Soon his lobster-penis clammed up, pulling its appendages inward, and before long seemed to be sleeping. Carefully, Jeremy returned his lobster-penis to his underwear, pulled up his jeans, and walked to end of the lunch line.
Jeremy sat by himself in the cafetorium, the large room used as both the cafeteria and the auditorium at Conifer Middle School. Jeremy stuffed his cafeteria purchased greasy pizza and chocolate milk into his mouth as fast as he could, hoping to leave lunch without incident. Still chewing the last bite, he stood with his tray and walked to the trashcan by the door. With just two paces to go, he felt a tap on his shoulder: he spun to see Ariana smiling at him.
“Hey Jeremy!” Against all laws of nature, goddess Ariana was talking to lowly bottom-feeder Jeremy.
“Oh, hey Ariana.” Jeremy said, his lobster penis waking slowly, like a sleeping puppy stirring at the sound of hard kibble being poured into a porcelain dish.
“Um, I wanted to tell you that I liked that book report you read in class last quarter,” she said. His lobster-penis was now fully awake.
“Oh. Um. The one on Kafka?”
“No,” said Ariana, “the other one. Dickens I thinks? The one with Lucy Manette. Anyway, you’re really smart,” she said, pushing his shoulder playfully. The lobster penis was now thrashing as violently as it ever had, “and I was thinking maybe we could, like, read or do homework together this weekend? ” she said.
“Oh. Um. Yeah! I’d really like that.” Jeremy felt that this conversation with Ariana was an even less likely occurrence than his genital metamorphosis.
“And to return the favor I can help you out in shop class. I know Mr. McDaniels has been giving you a hard time because you’re afraid to use the circular saw,” Ariana said.
The thrashing in his pants was now causing his entire body to vibrate. Certainly this couldn’t go unnoticed? Yet Ariana gave no indication if she did. Jeremy wanted desperately to extend the ecstasy of this moment, but then he heard the distinctive sound of lobster claw scratching on metal and Jeremy thought it unwise to wait around and see if his lobster-penis was smart enough to open a zipper from the inside. “Cool. I’ll Facebook you! Bye Ariana!”
Jeremy turned and ran, throwing his food, tray and all, into the trash and dashing out the door, too euphoric to notice the stink eyed grimace Duncan had given him from the cool kids table near the exit. Still running down the hall, Jeremy’s happiness didn’t stall until he realized the class that his feet had been automatically propelled him towards: gym. His pace slowed to a somber stagger. “Gym? Oh, God, no!” he thought.
he bell rang as Jeremy completed his funeral procession to the locker room. Inside, the foul smelling dungeon was already abuzz with activity. Animalistic shrieks and maniacal laughter echoed across the fading green metal lockers and gray cinder block walls.
He managed to get his gym shorts on without causing a stir and kickball passed as it usually did: a super fun time that was way better than any other class. It wasn’t the gym activity itself that Jeremy hated. It was the locker room.
Returning to the locker room, Jeremy knew he could escape his fate no longer. Coach Hitches was strict about the rule that everyone had to shower before returning to class. Jeremy wrapped a towel around his shorts, attempting to drop his shorts under the protective screen of the towel. He felt his lobster-penis come alive, interested in its new less encumbered surroundings. He turned and was startled to see a cross armed and bare chested Duncan standing in his way.
“Why’d you change under the towel, Coil? Afraid everybody would see your vagina?” Duncan said, managing to be conversational yet at the same time call everyone’s attention to the interaction. “Answer me, Coil. Do you have a vagina under there or what?” Duncan said. A spattering of laughs that betrayed a sense of relief that they weren’t in Jeremy’s position more than genuine mirth.
“Um, no,” said Jeremy.
“No, what?” said Duncan.
“No I don’t have a vagina.”
“Oh really? Because I saw you talking to Ariana in the lunch room, and unless...” Duncan stopped speaking and looked down. Jeremy’s lobster-penis wasn’t good at distinguishing context and even the mention of Ariana’s name in this hostile way caused all sorts of activity beneath the towel.
“What the… ?” Duncan’s hand darted to where Jeremy was keeping the towel closed around his waist, but before he could pull it away, a cry came from the shower.
“AHH! Greg is a bug! Everybody, Greg is a frickin’ bug!” Everyone turned to a flash of black exoskeleton and the sound of a dozen of hard legs hitting the locker room floor and crashing out the emergency exit. The alarm rang, lights flashed. In the commotion that ensued, Jeremy slipped away and threw on his regular clothes.
Coach Hitches entered, “All right, protocol, everybody to the soccer field!”
The class chattered as they filed out.
“What was that?”
“Greg was a bug!”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m telling you he was like a giant bug monster!”
“No, I saw it too!”
ut on the field, they were lined up according to their homerooms. “Hi Jeremy,” said Ariana, standing behind him in his homeroom line. Despite his recent close call, Jeremy was delighted to see her.
“Oh. Hi Ariana.” Jeremy looked over to the line Duncan waited in. To his surprise, Duncan stood sheepishly in nothing but his towel. In the kerfuffle his clothes went missing. A very satisfied looking Kevin Huganvick smiled as Duncan was on the receiving end of middle schooler scorn for the first time. Despite his circumstances, Duncan shot over a stare warning physical bullying for any missteps in Jeremy’s direction. Jeremy considered turning away from Ariana, but something deep inside him, something deep inside him that was connected to his lobster-penis, compelled him to stay. He breathed in.
“Um, Ariana?” said Jeremy.
“You have blossomed into a well built and beautiful young lady.”
“That’s a weird thing to say, Jeremy,” Ariana said sweetly, “but thank you.”
They became quiet as the adults finished taking attendance and began leading them back to the school.
“Anybody seen Greg?” a teacher called out. “No? Okay, everybody back inside!”
While their classmates flowed past them, Jeremy and Ariana stood in place and shared a glance. In that glance, without speaking they agreed on something that they both knew but didn’t yet have the vocabulary to articulate, something in confirmation of their new growings and recent changings, psychically acknowledging a mutual pledge to accept and affirm aberrations both physical and mental of the other as they entered this new as of yet unknown life phase, and as their classmates reached the threshold of the school and a teacher called something out to them that neither heard, they each stretched out an arm and held hands before slowly turning to walk to their final class of the day.
Also, Ariana’s vagina had turned into capybara, a large water rodent indigenous to the rainforests of the Amazon Basin.