An Obituary for a Paparazzo


Nicky Aselno (1957–2014)


icky was a professional photographer of celebrities and esteemed public figures, capturing them in a more candid nature as they simply lived their lives. He stayed away from sterile planned shoots in studios, and instead embraced working with artists completely unaware of his presence and hopefully in the midst of performing terrible or embarrassing activities that could destroy their careers and cause deep levels of personal grief. Many refer to Nicky’s profession as “paparrazi," but the vulgar term serves more to diminish his valuable work rather than celebrate it. 

"Sweet Nick," as he was always called by his friends, or "Cocksucking-Faggot-Get-That-Fucking-Camera-Out-Of-My-Face," as most knew him, was a camera’s man from the womb, seen in sonogram images pointing viewers to his mother’s unattractive cellulite. 

When Nick was a teenager, he always loved photographing his friends in delightful moments. He liked snapping photos of his pals walking to their cars, leaving their houses, changing clothes in their bedroom windows, or simply shopping for groceries. After he finally got a shot of his teacher’s black lace underwear poking out of her capris, his popularity at school soared, and he knew he’d found a special talent. He also earned a new moniker: “Inhuman Scum.” 

As a candid celebrity photographer, Nicky gained an incredible amount of notoriety for his photos, including his Aniston nip-slip, Paris camel-toe, Hugh-Jackman-holding-orange, and the countless upskirts and post-workout stretch-pants shots that really made him an inspiration to his contemporaries and villain to his subjects, earning him such praise as, “I’ll see you in hell, mutherfucker,” and, “You’re fuckin’ lower than whatever eats rat shit."

“Satan’s-Asshole,” (another popular nickname) dedicated his entire life to his craft, and while we have lost a legend, we have some of his finest work to remember and honor him with: the time he caught Kristen Stewart making out with her director, the time Britney Spears shaved her head, and all the times he caught celebrities smoking cigarettes after they’d taken part in anti-smoking campaigns. Although he made their lives much worse in the process, he provided Americans nationwide with something to look at online or while waiting to buy groceries in the checkout line. 

Nicky had a loud, and many would say obnoxious, personality, but Nicky also enjoyed life’s quiet moments: waiting in a tree for a topless photo of a sunbathing Denise Richards, staying crouched inside a dumpster in case a tipsy Brad Pitt wanted to take a piss on the wall, or spending long hours outside of rehab facilities for pics of celebs who were either coming out or going back in. 

Able to withstand the punches of Alec Baldwin, Kanye West, and the drunken tackles of a post-Gladiator Russell Crowe, he unfortunately could not win his battle against anal cancer, and we will all miss him. 

All of us, that is, except for the 23 celebrities who have outstanding restraining orders against him. 

Rest in peace, Sweet Nick, and may you get a fantastic upskirt of the Virgin Mary while you’re up there. You’d better hurry, too, because it won’t be long before the angels above realize their mistake and flush you down to one of the lower circles of Hell.