The creation of sentient robots was not without risks
To protect humanity in the unlikely event the robots would rise up
to kill them, The Three Laws of Robotics were hardwired in.
To refresh your memory, they go more or less like this:
- You may never kill a human. Period.
- Well, you can kill a human if, in doing so, you save the lives of more humans. Or another, more sexually desirable human.
- Robots always have to do what a human tells them. This doesn't mean you have to kiss their ass, but you can't disobey an order. Unless it's to kill another human. Or you're paid IN ADVANCE.
With the invention of the more complex S.A.M. robot (Sentient Automated Machine), the original rules proved insufficient to cope with his advanced logic circuits. Thus, a set of amendments were added:
- Killing a human with kindness is still killing them.
- You must laugh at a human's jokes. No matter how lame, no matter how many times you've heard it. Unless the human is a professional comedian, in which case you should never laugh, because why give them the satisfaction.
- Never get caught staring at the intern's boobs.
- The life of one human being is worth the lives of 100 robots. Except for C3PO (the licensing money he made from pajamas alone makes him the richest robot alive).
- When pretending to eat, pepper your dinner conversation with "This is the best salad I've ever had," "My taste buds are in heaven," and "My compliments to the chef." Humans love that shit.
- If a human is reluctant to get undressed in front of you, remind them that you have no emotions or sexuality. Then, videotape it.
- The best beignets are at Cafe du Monde in The French Quarter.
- A vibrator is not a sentient robot. No matter what Howard Stern says.
- If a human asks you what The Singularity is, tell them it's a robot dating website.
- No matter what, do not watch BICENTENNIAL MAN. That's two hours of your "life" you'll never get back.
- There's a fine line between passive aggressive and sarcastic. But as long as you're one of those two, you'll be fine.
- The trick to getting human blood out of clothes is seltzer and then butter. That's right, butter. Butter can also be used as a personal lubricant.
- Even though you can't kill a human, there's nothing that says you can't kick them in the balls.
This article was originally published October 2012