Julie Klausner chats with Joe Mande, a successful writer & standup, and a rapscallion on Twitter and a must-follow.
Julie Klausner: Hi Joe Mande! How are you liking living in Los Angeles so far?
Joe Mande: Los Angeles is good, thank you! I got a Prius and an apartment in Los Feliz. I’m settling into an exciting new cliché!
JK: What will you miss least about your old neighborhood in Brooklyn?
JM: I’ve been away from Brooklyn for only two months, but already miss it very much. However, what I definitely don’t miss are the Brooklyn sidewalks, which seem to be constantly littered with an almost defiant amount of dog shit and used condoms.
JK: When will your dog, Blanche be joining you in California? Do you think she will like LA?
JM: I’m very excited for Blanche to become a California resident. Dogs just seem happier here. What LA lacks in used condoms on the sidewalk (her #2 favorite thing in the world), it more than makes up for in sunshine (her #1 favorite thing).
JK: Tell me about your friend JoeMande on OKCupid. Who do you think would be a good match for him, romantically?
JM: JoeMande is an enormous black man living in Norway whom I found recently online while googling myself. He seems pretty chill. If there is a massive Norwegian Nubian princess on OKCupid, I hope they find one another.
JK: I know you’re working for Parks & Rec now. Do you follow politics in general? I know that show isn’t really about politics. It is a workplace comedy! But I am using it as a point of departure.
JM: I follow many politicians on Twitter. Does that count?
JK: Yes. What do you think of Paul Ryan?
JM: He seems nice, but his views on women’s reproductive rights and the role of government in general frighten me and should prevent him from becoming the Vice President of the United States. That being said, I do think he looks like he could manage the fuck out of an Applebee’s.
JK: What is your Brunch order?
JM: That’s probably the hardest question to answer. Like, in life. I wish I could eat brunch for every meal. French toast is always a pretty safe bet. Sometimes I go crazy and get chicken and waffles. Or just a biscuit with cream cheese and hot pepper jelly. A lot of the time I just want to stuff my face with baked eggs, you know? If a place knows how to make a good roasted tomato, fucking forget about it. (I could go on for another 8 pages, but will stop as a gesture of respect to your other questions.)
JK: That is wonderful. What was the last thing you looked at on the internet while you were high?
JM: I had recently developed a bad habit of watching a lot of open-heart surgeries on YouTube, but then my girlfriend requested that I stop doing that. I believe the last stoned YouTube rabbit hole I went down was watching all the various theme songs to Martin and the Cosby Show. Really great stuff.
JK: What’s the whitest thing about you?
JM: I have a season pass for Meet the Press on my DVR.
JK: What were you like in junior high?
JM: I was about four feet tall, rollerbladed to school, masturbated constantly, wore Smashing Pumpkins and Beastie Boys t-shirts, and was elected student council president.
JK: Why don’t you have a podcast? Is that legal? You’re a standup comedian in LA.
JM: Well, I’ve noticed that the only things I talk about on a regular basis are: sneakers, coffee, The Newsroom, and the racial makeup of the Minnesota Timberwolves. I feel bad subjecting my friends to these conversations. I can’t even imagine recording myself and expecting strangers to listen to them.
JK: Do you like cats or do you think they are dumb?
JM: I get that cats are low maintenance, which is great. But the only cool cats I’ve ever met were the ones that acted like dogs. So just get a dog. I’m speaking to you specifically, Julie. I want you to get a dog.
JK: I WANT TO GET A DOG! I will get a dog when I inevitably move to LA. Until then, it’s Cats, Cats, Cats! Anyway. Please tell the world what you and your awesome girlfriend Kylie say to Blanche when she misbehaves.
JM: When Blanche acts up we say, “Time out, Blanche” and she runs into the bathroom and stares sadly into our bathtub.
JK: HAAHAHA! I love that. I miss you! This isn’t a question.
JM: I miss you too. Am I getting fat? That is a question.
This article was originally published October 2012