The real dirt on the Romney’s dressage mare.
"First of all, what kind of name is Rafalca? Seriously. Any self-respecting horse would have a normal name, like Uncle Vanya’s Deposit or Remembering Another Dashboard. I was introduced to her by my friend Too Many Corduroy Balloons, and I said, ‘Girl, you gotta do something about your name,’ and she was like, ‘Mummy and Papa think it sounds classy,’ and I was like, ‘Rafalca sounds like someone throwing up in the middle of saying alfalfa.’ And she got really mad and whispered, ‘I’ll pay someone to turn you into glue just to watch you die.’ That’s when I realized: It doesn’t matter what her name is. This horse is an asshole."
"Look, most of us dressage horses are pretty well off -- well, not US, exactly -- we’re still horses, after all, and we’re bred to dance around like mincing idiots for millionaires -- but our owners are pretty well off. But Rafalca’s owners are ... different. I mean, they have all this money, and yet they don’t drink? My owners spend thousands of dollars on champagne every month. What do Rafalca’s owners spend their money on? Rafalca’s always bragging that her hay is really high quality, but c’mon -- it’s hay, you know? It can only be so nice. I’m no accountant, but part of me wonders if Rafalca’s owners keep their money hidden somewhere, out of sight."
"Those Romney people spent all that money on her, and then she only placed 26th at the Olympics! We all had a good laugh over that. Her canter looked like four buckets falling off a staircase."
"As a Christ-centered horse, I was bothered by Rafalca’s Mormonism. At first she was real cagey about it -- ‘It’s not my religion, it’s my owners’ religion,’ things like that. Then one night me and some other horses were up late talking about what happens after you die and Rafalca overheard us and got all excited and started stamping her hooves and talking about how in Mormonism, when you die you go to a different planet, like on Star Trek -- she kept saying, ‘I’ll be a space horse, I’ll be a space horse!’ And we were like, ‘Chill out, already. You just knocked over a water bucket,’ and she yelled, ‘All non-Mormon horses will be cast into the Outer Darkness!’ and left."
This article was originally published October 2012