The Rob Delaney Guide to Parenting


The Twitter champ, author, and father was kind enough to shed some light on the best parenting practices.


How would you describe yourself as a father? 

Really, really good. Only because parenting kids under 3 is easy, in the sense that 
if you screw up in any substantial way, they’ll die.

Debunk this standard parenting practice: giving your children a better life than you had.

That’s mayonnaise. Which is to say: that’s ridiculous. Did Abe Lincoln have an easy life? Coco Chanel? Pol Pot? If you want your kid to be great, you give them a garbage life. 

What traits of yours do you want your kids to have? 

I want my kids to have my oaken buttocks and powerful thighs. When I see a hill or a flight of stairs, I am confident that my beef machine will carry me effortlessly to the top.

What do you not want them to have?

I don’t want them to have my deep-seated racism. Not a lot of people know I’m a racist because I play by the rules as I climb the rungs of fame’s ladder, but I hate race-mixing, racy song lyrics, foot races, you name it.

What physical attributes do you want your kids to inherit from your wife?

I hope my sons have full ample bosoms like their beautiful mother. I love my wife’s breasts and if my sons want me to love them, they will grow or otherwise acquire breasts like their mother’s. 

What sex moves will you teach your kids when they’re ready?

The “Hold the Door for the Nice Lady,” the “Did You Get Your Hair Done?”, and the “Cincinnati Shit Waffle.”


What extracurricular activity would you hope your kids do?

I’m a sportsman myself, so hopefully they’ll like sportsball, sporting around, and playing “Math Wand.”

How would you handle someone else disciplining your child?

That would be a-okay with me. My wife will tell you I’m terrified of conflict, so if a priest or SWAT team has ideas on how to keep my boys in line, 
be my guest. 



The Rob Delaney Child Achievement Goal Sheet

According to Rob, his children need to hit specific accomplishments every 10 years.

Hit start button below


Illustrated by Justin Bilicki

This article was originally published November 2013