The Official Guide to SEXTing


SEXTing, or Sexual Texting, is a courtship technique invented by teenagers to ruin their lives.

Now adults are getting in on this hot new courtship technique. In olden times, before human rights or homosexuality, a man would find a woman that he liked, get in line behind the other men that liked her, and when it was his turn to call her Pretty Lady he would call her Pretty Lady and hopefully she would choose him for the next day’s wedding. But nowadays if you want to win that special someone’s heart and put your mouth on their mouth, u got 2 SEXT. Here is a quick and easy guide for anyone (18 and older) who wants to learn how to do this cool and sexy new trend.



SEXTing Rule #1: Get Right To The Point

When it comes to SEXTing, don’t beat around the bush. LOL. (Bush is a slang term for female genitalia. PRO-TIP: when SEXTing use fun slang like bush instead of terms like “female genitalia.”) If you want your SEXT to succeed, make it clear what you want, which should be sex. (If you don’t want sex, send a non-SEXT, also known as a text.)

Here’s an example of a bad SEXT:


Here’s an example of a good SEXT:



SEXTing Rule #2: Keep It Sexy, Stupid

This might sound obvious, but you’d be AMAZED at how many people forget this: a SEXT should be sexy! No duh, right? And yet not a day goes by where I don’t get a SEXT from someone who forgets this most basic rule. Here’s an example of a terrible SEXT I received the other day. This is absolutely real:


Would you turn off the Duck Dynasty marathon you were watching to go have fast and rude sex with someone who sent that to you? Maybe. But it could go either way. Now watch what happens when I take that same, bad SEXT and keep it sexy:



SEXTing Rule #3: Include a Photo

You don’t have to include a photo in every SEXT but it doesn’t hurt! Remember, the same rules of SEXTing also apply to a photo SEXT: get to the point and keep it sexy! Here, again, is a bad example of a SEXT photo:


See? What’s sexy about reading a newspaper? This isn’t school!

Here are a few examples of the types of SEXT photos you can send to your SEXTing partner to get them in the mood. For sex.


I’m feeling hot hot hot!


SEXTing Rule #4: NO Group SEXTs

It’s Saturday night and your penis or vagina is going CRAZY. OK, time to SEXT. But what if you SEXT someone and you don’t hear back from them? You’ve got to have sex! In certain cases, it can be smart to cast a wider net with your SEXTs, but always remember this rule: One SEXT = one vagina/penis. Here are a couple of actual examples of the trouble you can get into when you send a SEXT to multiple recipients. These are REAL stories of REAL people whose mass SEXTS went wrong!


Story 1:

Brian had just gotten home from the big game and he wanted to have sex to celebrate. He took a photo of his penis wearing a tiny top hat to show how classy he was at sex, and he SEXTed the photo to a few cheerleaders that were smart, funny, interesting, independent women who he thought would be great to have sex with. Unfortunately for Brian, one of the girls had changed her number and the old number now connected directly to the Jumbotron at the stadium. Afterwards, when his teammates and fans saw Brian they would tip an imaginary top hat towards him and say “Top of the morning, 
Mr. President.” And he never did get that sex with those vibrant, educated girls.

Story 2:

Caitlin had recently started courtship with a new beau, and she decided to get with the times and send him a SEXT. She knew he would enjoy it, and it was an exciting change of pace from the prudish and reserved relationship she’d had with Tom. She drafted a brief and sexy SEXT and sent it to the new guy, along with a photo of her butthole. Unfortunately for Caitlin, just after pressing send she realized that she’d accidentally sent the photo to her entire contact list, including her doctor, and that’s how Caitlin was diagnosed with Bad Butthole Syndrome. Obviously, it is important to detect BBS as quickly as possible, so in terms of her health it was good that she sent the SEXT to her doctor, but there are less embarrassing ways to find out and also her brother got the photo too.


Story 3:

Brian (no relation to the first Brian) wanted to spice up his marriage so he sent his wife a SEXT saying “I’ve got a one-way ticket to Pussy Town population YOU” and quickly sent it off. Harmless enough for two consenting, married adults. The only catch was that Brian had labeled every contact in his phone “My Wiiiiife” because the Borat voice always makes him laugh. To ensure that his wife got his SEXT, he sent it to the whole list, but a lot of those people weren’t his wife, and they were grossed out, including his wife, because Brian had forgotten that they’d been divorced for 10 years.

Don’t make the same mistakes that Brian and Caitlin and other Brian made!


SEXTing Rule #5: Don’t SEXT Karen Though

You should never SEXT Karen. For one thing, she doesn’t like it. But also, out of respect for us, I just would appreciate it if you didn’t. We’re working through some stuff right now and I don’t think a SEXT from you would be very helpful. Last night we got in a fight about dish towels. Dish towels! She asked if I had washed the dish towels when I did laundry on Sunday, and I said I did, but I didn’t, and OK, so it was a small lie, but I forgot, and who cares? They’re just dish towels? Then Karen starts yelling about how much bacteria collects in the kitchen, and how unsanitary it is to keep using the dish towels without washing them and how more importantly if she can’t even trust me to tell her the truth about washing the dish towels then how can she trust me that nothing happened with Victoria Jansen at the office party. I was like, look, I’m sorry about the dish towels but how many times do I have to tell you that nothing happened with Victoria at the party? I’ve said 100 times that nothing happened and that I don’t even like Victoria, she smells like glue and her face is NOT as pretty as she thinks it is. Also did Karen ever think that maybe she could have just washed the dish towels herself if she was so damned worried about the stupid towels instead of getting on my case about it? I told her, I said, I know you’re under a lot of pressure these days while Internal Investigations conducts their review of the incident at the County Fair when you discharged your weapon, but I’m sure they’re going to find your shooting of that vagrant to have been lawful. He was pointing a corn dog at you, but it was dark, how were you supposed to know that? In those situations you have to react quickly, it can mean life or death. But what about me? I said. Karen, I’ve got to get all of the folders in Mr. Larkson’s office transferred to digital copies on his computer by the end of the month. That’s a real headache! Well that set her off big time and we didn’t get to sleep until almost 3AM even though we both had to work in the morning. Now can you imagine if in the middle of that her phone dings and it’s some SEXT from a stranger? Yeah, exactly. So just don’t SEXT her thanks.


SEXTing Rule #6: If At First You Don’t Have Sex, SEXT, SEXT Again

You’ve sent your special someone a SEXT and you haven’t heard back. Precious minutes that you could be having powerful, athletic sex are slipping away and you’re starting to think you’re not even going to have sex. What do you do? You SEXT them again! Be persistent. The only thing people hate more than not having sex when they want it is quitters. Follow up your first SEXT with something even sexier. For example, if you SEXTed someone an hour ago with a message like “I want to put my hot dog in your hot dog bun” and you don’t hear anything back, send them this as a follow up message: “I REALLY want to put my hot dog in your hot dog bun RIGHT NOW!” That will express to them the urgency in your loins. Or, if you’ve simply sent them a picture of your genitals, follow it up with a video of your genitalsalong with some inspirational music, like Green Day or Pink. This is called “raising the stakes.”


SEXTing Rule #7: Send Some Practice SEXTs for Starters

You’re almost ready to SEXT! You know some of the basic concepts, and are aware of a few of the pitfalls. But practice makes perfect, even in SEXTing. I recommend finding someone you know and trust and sending them a few practice SEXTs just to make sure you’re doing it right. For example, you could send me some SEXTs. Right? I’m the perfect person topractice with, and maybe we’ll even strike up a friendship. Or a love affair! Look, I feel like 
I have to be honest with you: things with Karen are rougher than I was letting on. Between you and me, we haven’t slept together in six weeks. I spend most nights on the couch! She screams when I try to touch her. Do I hope we can get through this rough patch and back to where we used to be? Of course, but I’m also a realist. People drift apart all the time. It’s tough. Maybe a SEXT from you, even if it’s just a practice SEXT, will help take my mind off of it. And if it makes Karen jealous, that’s her problem. What is she going to DO about it? That’s what I would say to her if you SEXT me and she found out. Do YOU want to SEXT with me, Karen? Because I’ve tried and you laughed at my needs and desires as if they were embarrassing, but they’re not embarrassing, Karen. They’re HUMAN. This person gets it, Karen. This person loves me. We’re in love. Goodbye, Karen.

Or, you know, something like that haha. Anyway, my number is (860) 615-9469.


SEXTing Rule #8: There Are No Rules.

SEXTing is a lot like life. Eventually you’re going to have to get out there and figure it out for yourself. I’ve called everything here Rules but really they’re more like Guidelines, except for Rule #5, which is a Rule. Find what works for you and ignore the rest. You’ll probably make a couple mistakes along the way, but I’m confident that if you keep some of these simple ideas in mind, you’re going to be just fine. Soon enough you’ll be communicating sexually over text with that special someone about your burning hot genitals! Heck, that person might even be me (see Rule #8) although if that’s the case then please see Rule #10: Don’t Fall In Love With Me. Just kidding there is no Rule #10. Fall away. Hey! Let’s go somewhere together?! Karen hates travel. Who hates travel? Have you been to Mount Rushmore? I’ve heard it is very sexy. Let’s go just the two of us. How about this: if you’re interested just SEXT me a photo of your junk. I’ll tell Karen that I’ve got a work thing. I want you so bad right now!


This article was originally published May 2013