Here's Some Shit We Didn't Know What To Do With

Breaking the Ice

“Don’t worry, she’s putting herself through stripper college.”

The Best Years of Your Life

Lost quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald: “In high school, I was voted ‘Best Masturbator.’ In retrospect, I don’t know if they were acknowledging the quality or the speed of my work. Not that it mattered. I clearly had their respect.”

Starbucks Music Recommendation

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Eddie Vedder:
Stares at a Ukelele for 60 Minutes

Who Am I?

I’m a former rapper turned movie star. (HINT: I’ve been in movies about space)

Life Tips!

When emailing someone, it’s best to avoid coming off too serious by adding an exclamation point to your opening. Examples: “Hey!,” “My Jew Landlord is Trying to Raise My Rent!,” “A hoy hoy!”

Kanye's Korner

YO I WAS AT OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE THE OTHER DAY GETTIN' MINE WHEN A BABY IN THE NEXT BOOTH JUST STARTED STARING AT ME. IT'S LIKE COME ON DO I HAVE TO ENTERTAIN YOU BABY? HOW COME YOUR PARENTS AINT TEACH YOU NO MANNERS YET? IT'S MAD RUDE TO STARE AT SOMEONE. I AM NOT YOUR CLOWN, BABY. I AM NOT HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOU. 

BUT FOR REAL, KANYE IS EASY ON THE EYES!!!!!!

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Getting a Handjob Versus Hanging a Shelf

Were the quotes said while someone was hanging a shelf or getting a handjob?

  • "Try tightening it."
  • "Here, put a towel down."
  • "I think you should stand on that ladder."
  • "Looks like it's hanging a little to the left."
  • "I should have just gotten the man outside Home Depot to do it."
  • "I'm serious about the ladder idea."
  • "Don't stand underneath me while I finish."
  • "Sorry."
  • "I know you'd rather be out with your friends right now, but your father really appreciates the help."
  • "I swear I've done this before."
  • "Just add a little screw to the end."
  • "Good thing I wore this old shirt."
  • "Use your other hand."
  • "Now use both hands."
  • "Just think, when it's done, you won't ever have to do it again."
  • "I think I'm bleeding."

They're all from getting a handjob.

Reading Too Much Into Things

At one point in an alternate 1985, while Marty McFly's busy making out with his mom and interrupting the space-time continuum, his brother is walking around without a head.

Strange But True!

In Ireland, due to an archaic law, it's illegal to have daughters with long vaginas.

Biggest Perverts of 2012

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