Here's Some Shit We Didn't Know What To Do With
Who Am I?
I'm a world-famous dog who helped a group of hippies solve mysteries involving supernatural creatures.
"Me and those teens and some other, forgettable dog sure had some wild adventures!"
Upcoming Issue of National Geographic:
Upcoming Issue of National Geographic:
Issue #007 Retractions
Article: "Apple: The End of an Era?"
Was meant to read "Apple: The Ned of An Era", a profile of infamous Apple employee Ned Hessel who once pants'd Steve Jobs.
Kanye's Korner
YO I WAS PLANNING A TRIP TO IRELAND THE OTHER DAY AND WANTED ME AND MY FAM TO STAY AT SOME HOT B AND B'S. YE LOVE THE B AND B'S!!! BUT FOR REAL, EVERY B AND B I MADE A RESERVATION AT WAS OWNED BY SOME WHITE LADY NAMED MARY AND THERE AIN'T NO WAY THAT EVERY B AND B OWNED BY A MARY!!! THAT'S SOME REAL WHITE TOURIST TRAP SHIT. YE CAN'T STAND FOR THAT TRICKERY!
TURN DOWN SERVICE BE MAD DOPE THO!!!!!
Life Tips!
Hold eye contact with the person you're talking to while you slowly apply chapstick. Total power move.
Starbucks Music Recommendation of the Month
"Slowhand returns with a collection of easy-listening, blues rock songs he clearly wrote while trying on new socks."
A Welcome Message from the Devil
"Hi, everyone. It's a pleasure to meet you here in Hell, where you'll have the same conversation about Lena Dunham every five minutes for all of eternity."
Hi, I'm Howie Mandel
-I'm Howie Mandel! You've been caught on hidden cameras for my new game show!
-Where are the cameras?
-If you knew where they were, how would they be hidden? That's part of the fun!
-There are no cameras, are there?
-Wonderful!
-Do you even have a new show?
-It's a deal!
-I don't understa--
-No deal!
-Tell you what, I have a camera on my phone and we can take a picture of us. Let's just say those were the cameras.
[Howie Mandel wakes up from his fever dream in a pool of his own sweat and washes himself for five weeks]
Famous Chairs, Ranked in Order of Times People Fucked on Them
Betsy Ross's Chair: 3 FUCKS
Archie Bunker's Easy Chair: 11 FUCKS
Ted Bundy's Electric Chair: 20.5 FUCKS
FDR's Wheelchair: 93 FUCKS*
*None by FDR. Truman used to take this chair out for a spin to cruise for pussy.