Night Night with Ron Funches

June 26, 2014 The Occasional

Who says a talk show needs to be an hour? That’s way too long. We’ve got everything you need, in less than five minutes.

BestieXBestie: Episode 4

August 1, 2013 Gabe Liedman & Jenny Slate

Gabe and Jenny are Besties who love to chit-chat. They're very unique individuals. Press play, thank you!

Directed by Dean Fleischer-Camp

This video was originally published August 2013

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Letter from the Guest Editor: Terry Crews

August 1, 2013 Terry Crews

es. I’m guest editor of The Occasional’s Health and Fitness Issue. It has nothing to do with being big, strong, muscular, or extremely intimidating. Nope, I was chosen because I’m funny. After roaming the halls of Funny Or Die for the past few months, peeking in offices, surprising staffers with classic comedic routines like, “Angry Black Man” or “Really Pissed Off Black Dude,” I finally convinced them I needed a shot. Sometimes I’d sit in the lobby, glistening with sweat right after a workout and stare angrily into the eyes of everyone who walked in the front door until security asked me to leave. But you better believe I’d come back… because comedy is all about commitment.

Getting arrested is a lot like bombing on stage. You just keep going until they get the joke. I’ve dedicated years of blood, sweat and tears into making you laugh. Especially blood. Not mine of course… but whoever gets in my way. Ha-ha. That’s funny. Tell me that’s not funny. That was a good joke, Terry.

See, I have a lot of pain in my life, and comedy helps me deal with it. It’s funny to see the people who told you ‘no’ in the past, stumbling along, trying to get their bearings as their blinding pain is accompanied by the soundtrack of my raucous laughter. I know I’m funny because the others in the office laugh too, simply when I look at them. It’s really strange how funny and scary are two sides of the same coin. A coin I’m constantly twirling in my giant, black fingertips.

So let me be your guide. I want you to think of me as your gigantic, unnerving, special black friend who will harm anyone but you-- until it’s too late. Nervous laughter is still laughter, ain’t it? Yeah, I thought so. Because I’m downright hilarious, dammit.

Terry Crews

Large Black Man/Magazine Editor

Oh, as guest editor, I get to do some shameless plugs, because I have a family and they like to eat. My business venture TERRYCO is prominently featured in this issue, providing health and fitness lifestyle products to help you live a better life, because you can’t laugh when you’re dead. So, anytime you see that TERRYCO brand, you better pay attention to what’s on that page. As for everything else, you’re on your own - hell, I didn’t even read that trash. And neither should you.

Originally published August 2013

TerryCo: The Terrystick

August 1, 2013 Terry Crews

Watch The Videos Below To See TerryStick Examples

Run

Jump

Sleep

Originally published August 2013

Julia Louis-Dreyfus presents "The Celebrity Internet"

May 1, 2013 Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Sure, you've been on the Internet. But chances are you've never been on the second Internet... The Celebrity Internet.

It's an alternate online experience reserved for the elite. And since you, a normal, will never have the chance to experience all it has to offer, let celebrated actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus show you around. So take a gander at sites like YouTube.famous and Facebook.famous, and get a taste for what life is like online for Julia and her very famous friends.

A Video Introduction to the Celebrity Internet with Julia Louis-Dreyfus:

Take a look at some of Julia’s favorite celebrity internet destinations:

As a celebrity, I'm very busy and often need a place where I just can log on and chat with my celebrity pals. Google.famous is perfect for this, and unlike on normal Internet, Google hangouts are widely used and quite fun.

You know how when regular people get emails from Nigerian princes, it's a scam? Not the case on the Celebrity Internet. Meet Prince Adayemi. I've been sending money to his village since he started emailing me in 2005. Every month, he shows up at my home with a return for my investment.

Another perk? Comment threads are reliable sources of positive feedback and healthy dialogue.

It should go without saying that we celebrities also have access to the latest gadgets and toys. On Apple.famous, I was able to order the iPhone 10 -- though I'm sure the iPhone 11 will come out any day now and this one might as well be the iPhone 8, which is embarrassingly passé. And oh yeah, they fixed Apple Maps. And it's perfect.

3D printers come standard with every home when you're famous. Want to recreate Multiplicity with your best friends? Go right ahead! Anything goes when you have access to Celebrity Internet.

Photography by Scott Garrison

This article was originally published May 2013

The One Man Affected by Y2K

May 1, 2013 Funny Or Die

In 1999, Alan White had everything: a house, a wife, a life full of promise. But when the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2000, that all changed.

n retrospect, the Y2K scare was trivial. Predictions of a worldwide shutdown caused by our reliance on computers were exaggerated and the population as a whole survived unscathed.

But one man had his life erased. His name is Alan White. More accurately, his name was Alan White. There’s no record of him ever having existed.

At midnight on January 1, 2000, his computer exploded, the first of many dominoes to fall as Y2K wielded its power: his electricity went out, his bank account vanished, and in the fire caused by the explosion, he lost valuable paperwork including his marriage and birth certificates.

Less than a month later, penniless and determined to live off the grid, his wife would leave him. Since then, he’s squatted in his two bedroom apartment in Kansas City, Missouri.

White in front of his ill-fated computer, which sits atop a desk still covered in soot. "Not a day goes by that I don't unplug it and plug it back in, hoping it will restart," White confided. "Alas, that wasn't in Y2K's plans."

With no functioning VCR to play his home videos, White resorts to pulling out the actual film and holding it up to the light to relive the memories of his estranged wife. It's all he has left. She took her possessions with her and he burned all of her remaining clothes to stay warm long ago.

A look at White's bank statement on December 31st, 1999 shows he had a stable financial life ahead of him. The following day his life's savings had been depleted. "Could have been even more. Just two weeks earlier I'd thrown down a few hundo for a Sony MiniDisc player for the missus…Somehow that was the only electronic that didn't mysteriously break that night. Granted, she took it with her when she left." White keeps a closet filled with unplayable Soundgarden minidiscs.

White calls his beanie baby collection his cash cow, unaware that they're essentially worthless in today's economy.

White shows off a photograph of him and his wife. They were never officially divorced. "She tried to file the paperwork. Hired an attorney and everything. But every time she mailed any files I needed to sign, the post office would return to sender. I know this because from 2002 to 2004, she would stand out in the street screaming 'Just come out and show yourself, you coward! You can't live like this forever!' I'd like to think I showed her."

That’s where I met him. It looked like a war zone: no power, no gas, no heat. White compared it to the scene at the riotous Woodstock ‘99. When I asked his age, he admitted he’s lost track of time and doesn’t know what day it is, never mind the year. He claimed to be born in 1967, though there’s no way to substantiate this.

“If I had a social security number, you could probably do a quick Infoseek search to find out I’m 43 years old,” White told me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that not only was his math incorrect, but that his favorite search engine was long gone. At one point I’d mentioned Google and he nodded along awkwardly, afraid to admit he’d never heard that word.

Chalk it up to the close to thirteen years living in solitude, but White was quick to welcome me and my camera crew into his house to document his life. He kept patting us on the back and muttering something about a museum. I surmised that he thought our coverage would be some sort of free marketing for what he referred to as “The Y2K Experience,” but I didn’t care. Our tour of his home was fascinating, a glimpse into a life that no longer is.

Below you’ll find the footage from our visit. And click through the gallery above for a photographic journey of a life destroyed by Y2K.

Alan was gracious enough to give us a tour: