STDs (Super Toned Deltoids)
We all want them, but only those willing to put in the time and dedication will contract them...and consequently, get the attention of the fairer sex! And trust us, guys, if you’re looking to stand out from the pack, STDs are a sure thing.
- Be proactive! Accept that not everyone is born with STDs and that there’s no shame in not having them. But you can’t just sit around waiting for them to consume your body!
- Don’t use protection. We all walk around guarded, protecting ourselves from new experiences and challenges. These limit our STD potential. So throw caution to the wind and join the gym you were once skeptical about; it may just surprise you.
- Hire a personal trainer. Before beginning any actual workouts, tell your trainer you would like to sit down with him/her for a consultation. Look them in the eye and say things like “I need you to give me STDs.” Hold eye contact for at least 30 seconds to show them you mean business. Trainers respect when you’re forthright about your goals.
- On the off-chance your trainer doesn’t believe in you, and responds with a quizzical look before slowly backing away: grab them by the collar, pull them close, and mouth, “Give me an STD.” It may seem unorthodox, but they’ll feel how untoned your deltoids are by your weak pull and know it is their duty to help.
- Start your regiment and feel the burn of STDs! But don’t let it burn too much. The key to toning muscles is lighter reps, but more of them. If you spend too much energy seeking out STDs, you’ll likely end up with AIDs (Awesomely Immense Deltoids), a look that is out-of-fashion and undesirable. Sorry beefcakes! Times have changed and women no longer find men with AIDs attractive.
**This is not to discriminate against those with AIDs. Most gyms have a quarantined room with free-weights, often in the basement, where people with AIDs can exercise, separate from everyone else.
- Share needles. We don’t condone the use of steroids, but if you must, used needles are a great way to save some scratch.
- Congratulations! By now your body should be teeming with STDs!
- Tell everyone you know! Start with all your former sexual partners. It may seem childish and immature, but informing all your previous lovers that you have STDs is therapeutic and lets them know how far you’ve come. Most likely they’ll want to know if they have STDs, too. Tell them: “Who do you think gave them to me?” This time, hold eye contact for a full minute and try not to blink; it is a direct way of informing them that their rejection of your untoned body gave you the motivation to improve your health.
- You may have noticed that you’re living the life you always dreamed of! Now what? Time to pay it forward and spread STDs. Quit your job and become a personal trainer. Your boss will understand. Hell, maybe he can even be your first client! Give him your business card as an olive branch and tell him, “It would be my honor to give you STDs.” If he acts surprised (and he may even ask you to “leave at once”), it’s only because he never thought he could ever contract them. Hey, we’ve all been there!
This article was originally published August 2013